


Helplessness Blues

by TheShinySword



Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: (Slowish burn), Afterglow being teens, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, But it's gonna be hard getting there, F/F, Love Triangle, Moca Aoba: Professional Troll, Rated T for Teen Hormones, Slow Burn, Tags to be added, Tsugucentric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:02:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 59,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21763438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheShinySword/pseuds/TheShinySword
Summary: "I wanna hear your love song.”With one unusual request Hina turns Tsugumi's life upside down. Tsugumi finds herself torn between the Hikawa twins as she searches for a sound she can call her own.
Relationships: Aoba Moca & Hazawa Tsugumi, Aoba Moca/Shirasagi Chisato, Hazawa Tsugumi/Hikawa Hina, Hazawa Tsugumi/Hikawa Sayo, Hikawa Hina & Hikawa Sayo, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Udagawa Tomoe/Uehara Himari
Comments: 173
Kudos: 308





	1. A Functioning Cog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No one was giving me the SayoTsugu-HinaTsugu love triangle drama I desire so I guess I'll feed myself. 
> 
> This story does take place in the same continuity as my previous story Voices Carry but you don't need to read that one to get anything but a couple of jokes in this one (you should read it though, I, an totally unbiased source, think it's great!)

If nothing else, Tsugumi Hazawa remembered her grandfather’s back. He’d been tall, so tall where his whole family was so short that he must have jinxed the rest of them. Everyday he wore the same sort of starched white shirt with a crisp, pressed collar underneath his clean (always clean) brown apron. The sixeen year old second year high schooler couldn’t picture his face anymore but if she closed her eyes she could still perfectly see the criss-cross of apron strings across his rigid back.

Every day Hayao Hazawa would open the shop before dawn and every night he would close it long after sunset. There were some days he only ever saw the sun through Hazawa Coffee’s plate glass windows. Tsugumi must have seen him out of the shop but try as she might she couldn’t picture him away from it. He’d prep the coffee beans, ready the pastries, chat with his customers, clean the tables, repair the equipment and all the other hundreds of little tasks that came up when running a shop. If his son asked him to take a break he’d shake his head and remind Tsugumi’s father of the closet thing the Hazawas had to a family crest: “There’s always a Hazawa in Hazawa Coffee.” Her father would insist that he was a Hazawa too but according to family lore his dad never let him man the shop on his own until Hayao broke his hip, right as her parents were leaving for their honeymoon. They didn’t go the trip.

Her grandfather had been built out of the hardship of the immediate post-war Showa era and never let anyone forget that economic prosperity was only ever temporary. On the few occasions he addressed his only granddaughter directly he tried to impart a lifetime of wisdom. Tsugumi wished she hadn’t been six when he did since most everything passed cleanly through the ears of even the most dutiful small child. But there was one lesson he’d taught her that she managed to etch onto her heart. With his back turned to her at the counter, while he measured out ground coffee on instinct and poured boiling water in a beautiful arc, he said, “There two kinds of people in the world: Those with talent and those who work hard.”

And then he turned around with Tsugumi’s first cup of coffee in his hands, “Hazawas work hard.”

Black coffee was a bit much for a six year old but she drank the whole cup anyway.

Tsugumi thought about her grandfather a lot during the long hours she spent after school in the student council room forging Hina Hikawa’s signature. To be fair, Hina was the one who taught her how mimic the swooping characters after a long day of signing paperwork left her normally sparkling green eyes dulled. Besides, the Student Council Vice President didn’t mind the work. Tsugumi had always excelled at tasks no one wanted to do and certainly no one else wanted to bother with page after page of budget approvals and event submissions and every other sort of minutia that demanded the attention of the student council.

Besides, Hina had other strengths, countless other strengths actually. For one thing, she had a way with people. Hina could deliver a nearly incomprehensible speech to the student body and every single student would interpret it to mean exactly what they wanted to hear. She could take two warring clubs bickering over this or that and throw them into a room together and they’d always exit as one club excited to work together. President Hikawa’s ideas exploded in sudden bursts of inspiration but even the most ridiculous of them always played out perfectly.

Hina had the sort of effortless talent that could only be called genius. Tsugumi had only ever known one other genius and at least Moca Aoba showed some weakness. To be honest, Hina scared Tsugumi, just a little. She was wholly unknowable. Whatever played out in Hina’s head, it wasn’t in any language Tsugumi could speak.

But that was alright, Tsugumi liked supporting geniuses. Hina could lean her chair back, far past the point of no return, fiddling with a pen wedged between her upper lip and her nose, and Tsugumi would dutifully pour over papers until Hina returned to Earth with a loud clang and some great big idea.

CUHLANK!

Tsugumi didn’t even flinch anymore when Hina smashed down her chair and slammed her hands on the table. Instead, she just patiently waited to find out what had caught the president’s fancy.

“Afterglow’s songs are pretty mature right?” Hina’s eyes wandered to the setting sun out the window.

“Some people say that,” Tsugumi looked up at the red light playing over Hina’s sea foam green hair like a traffic light flashing go and stop at once. “I don’t think I can really judge though.”

“Have you ever sung a love song?” Was that you Afterglow or Tsugumi? Before she could ask for clarification, Hina continued. “I wonder what it would sound like.”

Afterglow’s songs were kind of love songs, Tsugumi mused to herself. At least, they were love songs to each other. The band played for themselves, it just so happened Afterglow let other people listen in too. Tsugumi was about to tell Hina as much when the president spoke again.

“I wanna hear your love song.”

Tsugumi’s fond thoughts of her friends vanished. Hina turned to her with spotlight eyes and a guile smile that seemed to curl around the ends. The vice president wasn’t sure she liked the attention. “Pardon?”

“I think it’d be— no it’d definitely be pretty boppin’ if Tsugu-chan played a love song.”

“We do covers sometimes?” Tsugumi wracked her brain. Had they ever covered a love song? Romance hadn’t really been a part of their lives until recently. Tsugumi had always enjoyed a good love story but it wasn’t something she thought about often. Her limited experience wasn’t something she could draw on.

“No, no, it has to be your love song.” Hina laughed at some secret joke, “Write me a love song Tsugu-chan!”

“Why me?”

Hina shook her head like it was the most obvious thing in the world, “it’d be like badaboom yeah~ Ya know?”

Tsugumi didn’t even attempt to know. “I’ve never written a song before.”

“That’ll just make it more raw!”

“I’ve never been in love before either.”

Hina shooed Tsugumi’s concerns away with a few flicks of her wrist, “you’ll figure it out!”

Tsugumi could think of a dozen more excuses: she didn’t have any talent for music, people didn’t write love songs for no reason, she never sang anything but backup. But what was the point? They both knew if the president wanted to hear Tsugumi’s love song, Tsugumi would write a love song.

“I’ll do my best.”

Even if she had no idea where to start.

* * *

“I’m calling Hina-senpai immediately,” Ran reached for the phone she’d foolishly left lying on family diner table between her and—

“Now, now Ran,” Moca swiped the phone out from under Ran’s hand. She foisted it just out of reach, “I am as concerned for our Tsugu as you are but let’s avoid punching above our weight. Last time you tried to fight the president I ended up in a different band.”

Ran struggled, trying to claw her way around Moca. Her elbow smacked the emaciated guitarist in the chin but Moca held firm. “Fine. Have your way. But if Tsugu ends up in the hospital again, I’m putting you in there with her.”

“So scary~ Moca-chan’s gotta enter witness protection.”

“Guys, I’ll be fine. It’s just a silly song,” Tsugumi munched one of their collective fries from across the table. “I’m just not sure how to write a love song. I got a bunch of books from the library though!” Tsugumi patted her book bag, stuffed past the bursting point. She’d gone straight from the student council room to the school library where she’d pulled every songwriting book off the shelf before meeting up with her friends at their usual snacking spot.

“Tsugu,” Moca gasped, “love can’t be learned from a book!”

“I’m more worried about learning song writing,” Tsugumi said wistfully, hoping a certain red striped singer-songwriter would pick up on her implication.

“If you want to learn about love you can just look to your left,” Unfortunately, Ran was occupied with glaring at the space beside Tsugumi.

“I would prefer not to,” Tsugumi’s eyes involuntarily shifted anyway, just in time to catch Himari feeding Tomoe as sensuously as could be managed with a diner fry.

Ran made a noise somewhere between a groan and a growl, “Seriously, should we get you guys your own booth or what?”

“S-Sorry!” Himari stammered as she peeled herself off Tomoe.

Tomoe shrugged with a lazy grin, popping the rest of the french fry in Himari’s mouth, “For the record, I’m not sorry.”

“Noted and hated,” Ran sunk down against the beige linoleum booth with a glower.

Tsugumi was happy Tomoe and Himari had finally cleared up their increasingly complicated feelings for one another. The whole band was genuinely happy for the new couple. But their traditional seating arrangement was Ran and Moca on one side, and Tsugumi, Tomoe and Himari on the other and Tsugumi’s side was starting to get particularly uncomfortable. Their public displays were VERY affectionate. But again, Tsugumi was very happy for them.

“To.Mo.Chin. Hii.Chan.” Moca clapped at her friends between syllables, “Do you have any opinions on Tsugu’s love song?”

“Tsugu’s in love?” Tomoe’s head lifted from the back of the booth and she swiveled over her girlfriend to Tsugumi. “Congrats!”

“Woah!” Himari’s attention pivoted to Tsugumi, “Who is she?! We never talk about love and Tsugu!”

Tsugumi looked between her friends, she should have known they’d all get the wrong idea. Ran tried to look disinterested in the subject but Tsugumi knew her better than that. Moca’s grin twitched but if she had something to say she kept it to herself.

“Excuse me.” Thankfully their waitress, an exhausted looking woman with her hair in a bun and her eyes narrowed behind thin glasses, approached, eyeing their basket of fries and single soda before Tsugumi could be forced to disappoint them with her ordinariness. “Can I get you _all_ anything else?”

The group coughed uncomfortably before Moca sidled up to her newest best friend, “My soda could use a refill.”

“We have a soda fountain.”

“Then we’re all good,” Moca winked. The waitress was not charmed but she did leave so the battle was half won.

Tomoe reached for the communal and mostly empty soda, “How long ‘til she kicks us out?”

Ran swiped the soda back. “I bet fifteen minutes after Moca’s display there.”

“Who cares about that! Tsugu’s in love!” Himari attention had only intensified on Tsugumi and now she forced her friend into the edge of their bench. “I need to hear every single thing about this.”

“Himari-chan,” Tsugumi tried to draw away but Himari was nothing if not persistent, “It’s not like that I promise.”

“Hii-chan~ Hii-chan~. It’s not nice to tease our sweet little Tsugu like that,” Moca leaned across the table and lightly bopped Himari with a discarded menu.

“I’m sorry did Moca just scold ME over TEASING!”

Tomoe comforted her seething girlfriend. “She has a point Moca. I can’t believe you’re missing out on this primo teasing opportunity.”

“Wow, Moca-chan is hurt,” Moca grabbed her heart like Tomoe had shot her through it, “I always do my _breast_ to tease all my beloved friends equally and this is the thanks I get.”

“MOCA!” Himari slammed the table and blushed, Moca’s words having replaced her interest in Tsugumi with the memory of a very specific incident.

“I’ll get us a refill!” Tsugumi took the opportunity to jump up and grab the empty glass as she shot a silent thank you to Moca. She darted off for the soda fountain before anyone could hypothesize about her love life further.

The most embarrassing was that there wasn’t anything to discuss. She was sixteen years old with absolutely nothing to show for it but four incredible friends, a weirdly successful band, a coveted spot on the student council— okay Tsugumi had a lot to be grateful for, but none of it was particularly romantic.

It was a short walk to the neon soda machine on the side wall of their usual family diner. The owners really were too lenient on them. Tsugumi silently promised to come back and buy two meals at a time when she had the money. But meanwhile in this year, Tsugumi had a soda to choose. Himari preferred diet soda. Well, Himari always said she wanted diet and then drank everyone else soda instead. Ran and Tomoe both preferred plain cola over anything fancy. Of course Moca swore by an odd mix of cola, orange soda and fruit punch. Tsugumi swished her index finger over her many options before settling on cola. It was almost full when she quickly changed course and let loose a squirt of orange soda. Moca wasn’t totally crazy.

“So are you in love?”

Tsugumi thanked years of working at the coffee shop for helping her keep the plastic cup from clattering to the ground, “Ran-chan!”

Ran squinted, staring Tsugumi over with narrowed eyes as she leaned on the counter. “I’m not mad if you are.”

“You look a little mad.”

“That’s just my face,” Ran tried to lighten her expression. It didn’t work but Tsugumi appreciated the effort.

Tsugumi giggled, “I’m not in love, promise.” They walked back to the table, elbows bumping. “For one thing, I think I need a person to be in love with first.”

“You’ve never talked about it before so...” Ran was trying her best, “I dunno if you’ve ever even had a crush.”

Tsugumi wracked her brain for someone she’d had feelings for but all she could find were people from TV or movies. Except—

“Don’t stress over it Tsugu.”

“D-Did I look stressed?”

Ran reached over and tapped Tsugumi between the eyes, “You get a wrinkle right there. When you think too hard. Moca pointed it out once.”

Tsugumi sighed as they approached their table, “Now I’m going to be aware of that forever...”

“Hmm, why don’t you come back? I’ll definitely be ready by then,” Moca smiled somewhat charmingly over a menu at their poor waitress.

“…fine.” The waitress walked off with a distant look in her eyes.

“Why don’t you just order something else?” Ran said as she forced Moca to scoot into the booth. “You all have part-time jobs.”

“But it’s Ran’s treat today~ We couldn’t put our poor jobless Ran in the poor house,” Moca collapsed against Ran’s shoulder, giving Ran a deeply pitiful look.

“Since when is it my treat?!”

“Wow, Ran can’t even afford fries and a soda? The flower business must be hard these days.”

“I can afford that much!”

“Yay! Ran’s treating!”

“Hold on Moca!” Before Ran could deny Moca’s decision Tomoe stole her attention, “Hey! Hey! No touching!”

“It’s just my arm!” Tomoe protested as she gestured to the arm chastely draped over Himari’s shoulders.

“Hands where I can see them.”

Tomoe rolled her eyes but still raised her hands in front of her chest.

“Hey~ Hey~ Tsugu,” Moca waved to draw Tsugumi away from the saga next to her. She gestured at the soda in front of her. “You were paying attention to Moca-chan-sensei’s mixology lesson, weren’t you?”

“I just put some orange soda in it.” Tsugumi could feel the next thing Moca was going to say coming, no matter how much she’d prefer Moca didn’t say it.

“Wow, how Tsuguriffic!”

Scccrt!

Before Tsugumi knew what was happening the table was thrust forward painfully into her chest as Ran erupted up from her seat. Moca narrowly scooped up the glass before it spilled over all of them. Himari was similarly trapped by the table as Ran yelled:

“You want to take this outside!

Tomoe shoved the table back towards Ran, jabbing her in the stomach and trapping Moca in place. “I’m already outside!”

“No you’re not!”

“I am in my mind Ran!”

Their waitress materialized from the ether beside them. “Have you decided on your order?” She droned.

Moca, pinned under the edge of the table, barely managed to squeak out an answer, “just the check please.”

* * *

By the time they made it outside Tomoe and Ran had forgotten what they were arguing about in the first place. Himari tried to lecture them on the art of the inside voice but Tomoe looped an arm around her waist and then even Ran had to admire how cute it was that Himari had an off switch now. They wandered their way towards their homes in no hurry. It had been a weirdly warm beginning of winter, more a lackadaisical extension of fall than a new season, and the friends relished in the comfortable walk while they still could.

It wasn’t long before they settled into familiar patterns: Moca-Ran, Tomoe-Himari and in the rear, Tsugumi watching their backs. Their keyboardist knew the way her friends stood so well that it was all she saw when she closed her eyes. Moca perpetually slouched, Tomoe’s shoulders set square, Himari never stood quite still, and Ran letting her shoulders finally relax after holding them tense while they were all separated. Tsugumi had no doubt her friends were the most incredible people in the world. It was really a mystery why they let Tsugumi—

That wasn’t fair. Her friends loved her. They _loved_ her.

The band paused while Moca chased after something interesting she’d found on the ground. Ran grumbled about Moca rolling around in the dirt but the almost blonde insisted it was very important but also totally refused to tell them what it was for. Himari was deeply suspicious but not enough to let go of Tomoe’s hand and check it out. And anyway, in a few feet Moca’s detour was mostly forgotten by everyone but Tsugumi.

As the others chatted about this or that, Moca looked back at Tsugumi with a conspiratorial wink. Slowly, she reached into the pocket of her jacket and pulled out dark red Japanese Maple leaf with five perfect points.

They loved _her._

Tsugumi could remember that.

Afterglow parted ways at the corner entrance of the shopping district. For their whole lives Tomoe had split off there with Tsugumi but now she almost always followed Himari all the way to her house. Tsugumi didn’t take it personally, even if it still felt odd to end a ten year habit so quickly. It did make her feel a little lonely. It wasn’t really an uncomfortable sort of loneliness, it was more like the kind that settles in after after a party, when it’s time togo home.

Tsugumi’s house was already silent by the time she arrived. She slipped off her shoes without a fuss and tiptoed into the kitchen. The Hazawa family home was split neatly into two sides with the living room and kitchen at the center. On one branch was her parent’s bedroom, cordoned off into their own suite and on the other was Tsugumi’s room and a spare bedroom her dad used occasionally as an office. It wasn’t unusual to go days without seeing her parents outside of their coffeeshop, communicating mostly through post-it notes on leftovers. Tsugumi smiled at the smiley face doodled over a homemade rice bowl in the fridge. Some busy days her dad wandered from bed to the shop and back again without sidetracking or properly seeing the sun. The trials of living in back of the family business.

Tsugumi didn’t mind the quiet, she thought to herself as chewed her reheated dinner. Though sometimes she imagined what it would be like to live in a more lively home. Tomoe and Ako’s home bustled with activity, Himari and her older sister were infamous for their blowout fights and subsequent indulgent apologies, and despite her protests to the contrary Ran had a good relationship with her parents. They ate dinner together every night Ran wasn’t with Afterglow. Moca’s family was just her and her mom and even their house always exploded with energy. But there were downsides to that too, her friends were always complaining about their lack of privacy and Tsugumi had that in abundance.

She cleaned her dishes and retreated to her dark side of the house. Tsugumi’s room was revealed with a flick of the switch. Exactly as she left it: Her comforter neatly spread over her bed, her desk clean and ready to be covered in papers, the small but growing burnet she’d been nurturing greeted her from the window and her keyboard sat perpendicular from her desk ready to be played once more.

Tsugumi emptied her book bag’s contents into a careful pile on her desk. The tower of songwriting books loomed over her as she sat down at the keyboard and flicked it on. Her friends’ instruments required careful tuning each time they played but Tsugumi’s keyboard only required a simple button press and a power supply. She almost resented the instrument’s simple maintenance, and almost envied the devotion required for the other instruments. Almost.

Tsugumi sighed. Where did a love song start? Where did any song start?

She eyed the piled of books, ‘Songwriting for Absolute Morons’ was looking pretty good but she couldn’t shake a deep want to do it on her own.

She could start with a note.

And then another note.

Maybe a chord and—

Chord. Chord. Another choord. Chordchordchord. Chornkdls.

The tired girl pulled her fingers from the keyboard. That was ‘Tied to the Skies’. Tsugumi was just playing the opening of ‘Tied to the Skies’. There was nothing wrong with it. She had arranged it! But there was a wide gap between arranging and composing.

Tsugumi started in a different octave.

Note.

Note. Note. Note notenotenote—

And that was the jaunty little bit in ‘Comic Panic’. To be fair that was basically the most notable part she was allowed to pl— the most notable part she was skilled enough to keep up with.

The keys felt foreign to her fingers. Tsugumi tried to will her short and stubby fingers to move because surely there was some song inside of her waiting to burst out.

Only silence emerged. Tsugumi almost laughed. Just like her part in ‘On Your Mark’. Of course, there was no keyboard in ‘On Your Mark’ and why wasn’t there a keyboard in ‘On Your Mark’? Because Tsugumi said it was totally fine if she just sang back up on ‘On Your Mark’, because Tsugumi never advocated for herself and one day she was just going to fall into a ditch and die without ever asking for help and no one would ever remember her because THERE WAS NO KEYBOARD IN ‘ON YOUR MARK’!

KUHDANDUNDUN.

Tsugumi let her head fall forward into the keys. She couldn’t do this. What was she thinking? Ran and Moca wrote songs. Tomoe and Himari filled in all the gaps. And Tsugumi—

Tsugumi supported _her_ geniuses. She played to suit their needs. She didn’t need to have her own style. Her own sound.

But she wanted one.

* * *

The frustration still lingered when she woke up the next day, so Tsugumi did what any normal daughter of a coffee shop family would do: she tried to baked out her frustration. Emotional baking was a family tradition. More than half the unique Hazawa Coffee treats were the product her mother’s stress baking. Baking was excellent way to not think about the thing you didn’t want to think about.

Tsugumi could mix her troubles into a nine inch cake pan, bake them at 180 degrees delicious and serve them up with a raspberry drizzle. And when her first cake didn’t turn out how she liked, it turned out she had enough troubles for a second one. And a third.

By the forth cake everything tasted like mush on her tongue. Not bad, not good, just an incomprehensible pile of something she’d tasted too often to note the quality of. She needed another tongue for her troubles cake. The amateur baker poked her head out of the kitchen to survey the cafe’s crowd. Himari wasn’t in, Eve didn’t have work that day and out of all her customers there was only one she knew well enough to ask for a favor.

Thank goodness for Sayo Hikawa.

Tsugumi carefully cut a slice of chocolate cake and slid it onto their cutest plate. Maybe she should have used something more neutral for a taste test but Tsugumi still had her pride. With nervous hands on an unsteady tray she stepped out onto the floor.

“Sayo-san,” the barista called out a little too early, forcing herself to quickly scuttle closer as Sayo turned her stern green eyes towards Tsugumi.

The chill shooting up Tsugumi’s spine warmed up as Sayo’s expression softened, “Hazawa-san, can I help you?”

“I have this new cake, would you mind trying it? I can’t tell if it’s any good.” Tsugumi set the plate down on the table.

“You can’t tell?”

“It’s like…” she wracked her brain, “when you play a song over and over and each time just starts to sound the same.”

Sayo nodded with a hum of agreement, “I see.”

They stared at each other for a beat too long. “So, if you wouldn’t mind?” Tsugumi pointed at the cake.

“Of course. It’s the least I can do.” Sayo picked up the fork in her long elegant fingers. Tsugumi clung to her tray as Sayo brought a bite of cake to her mouth. Sayo’s pleased reaction was almost instant. Her eyes widened, “Interesting, there’s something in here I don’t recognize.”

“That’s probably the espresso!”

“Espresso? But I don’t taste coffee. It’s more...” She trailed off.

“More what?” Tsugumi asked.

“It’s not a particularly useful description, but it’s as if the chocolate is _more_ chocolate.”

“That’s exactly it!” Tsugumi agreed excitedly, “when you bake with espresso it makes chocolate way more chocolatey!”

“I don’t really understand it but it’s a good flavor. And a good cake,” Sayo added with a small smile.

Tsugumi couldn’t keep from beaming as pride welled in her chest. Her friends weren’t shy about praising her but she got the feeling they would praise anything she did. With Sayo, a compliment always felt earned.

“I wonder if you could use espresso in a cookie,” Sayo said.

“For sure! You can make amazing chocolate chip cookies with it.” It’d been a year or so since Sayo had taken that cooking class at the shop. They’d tried to make plans to bake together again but with their bands and respective student councils it’d been too tricky to find the time. Still from time to time Sayo would pass along her latest attempt. The quality was, admittedly, mixed but Sayo’s cookies always had an earnest flavor.

“I’ll bring it up to Imai-san,” Sayo sipped her coffee. She took her coffee black, which was terribly intimidating. Tsugumi didn’t even drink coffee black and it was her coffee blend! But black coffee suited Sayo’s mature style. She was almost like someone’s world weary older sister— technically she was someone’s world weary older sister, wasn’t she? Moca liked to joke that Roselia’s guitarist had a cold heart but Tsugumi had always found Sayo very warm. In some ways, Tsugumi felt she could ask Sayo anything at all—

“Have you ever written a love song Sayo-san?”

Hold on, hold on. Not that. Why did she ask that out loud?!

Sayo’s eyebrows rose so high they threatened to launch off her forehead and head for the moon, “I’m sorry?”

“Oh god, oh no, that is so not what I meant to say,” Tsugumi’s mouth flattened to a straight line as she clenched her teeth. “I’m sorry,” her mouth got her into this mess might as well let it spill its way out, “Hina-senpai asked me to write a love song and it’s been on my mind and—”

Sayo’s face fell at her sister’s name, “What did Hina do?”

“She said she wants to hear a love song by me… so I’m trying to… write one?” Saying it out loud to Sayo made it sound as ridiculous as it definitely was.

One moment Sayo was sitting up looking at Tsugumi, the next she was bowed as low as she could while still sitting. Her head brushed the edge of the table. “Hazawa-san, please let me apologize for any inconvenience my little sister has caused you. I take full responsibility for her behavior.”

Tsugumi floundered. Having someone like Sayo bow to her as a guest in her of coffee shop was, for lack of a better term, a lot, “It’s fine! I want to!”

Sayo lifted her head up with an intense look. She seemed to study Tsugumi for… something. Permission? A sign of weakness? Roselia’s guitarist was as unknowable as her twin. Finally, the intensity faded. “I understand. I apologize, I have to confess I’m not experienced with song writing or love.”

“No, no it’s fine. I’m sorry I put you on the spot,” Tsugumi let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding.

“Hazawa-san, may I ask you a question?”

“Of course you can.”

Sayo hesitated, “why do you want to write a love song for my sister?”

“Because she asked me to?” Tsugumi broke every rule of cafe management (rules that she had made up) and sat down across from Sayo. “Or maybe it’s because no one’s ever asked me to write a song before?”

Sayo seemed to be waiting for Tsugumi to continue, so she did, “I don’t really know where to start. I tried on my own but…” she shook out the memory. “I want to make a sound that’s mine. So I can’t really ask my friends for help. It’s something I need to do without them. But I’m not the sort of person who can do this on my own.” Tsugumi focused her eyes anywhere but Sayo’s face. The coffee cup had gone still, “I’m sorry, I’m talking your ear off and your coffee went cold, let me get you another.”

As the barista reached for the cup her customer pulled it away, “there’s no need to apologize.”

Before Tsugumi could insist otherwise Sayo flipped the world around.

“Hazawa-san. If you can’t practice with your friends, would you like to play with me instead?”

And once again Tsugumi’s mouth beat her brain to the punch, “Yeah, I really would.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title for the story and the chapter taken from the Fleet Fox song Helplessness Blues off the same titled album. I think the reasoning will become clear with time. 
> 
> For my first multichapter story I sort of obsessively checked all the card stories to make sure I wasn’t totally contradicting any canon, but this story’s only one chapter in and I’m already inventing relatives and getting rid of Moca’s dad (does Moca have a dad? I couldn’t find one, but her mom has actual dialog where she dunks on Moca and that explains a lot). Such is life, such is life. I can always call it a very specific AU (Moca Aoba + Gilmore Girls AU).
> 
> I listened to On Your Mark like twelve times and I swear there is no keyboard part in that song. That song is everyone playing their heart out and Tsugumi in the back like a hypeman. 
> 
> Finally, the number of chapters is 100% a rough guess. It will definitely change.


	2. Some Great Machinery

Life was much simpler when the only emotion Sayo Hikawa embraced was frustration. Frustration at her old band, frustration at her sister, and, most of all, frustration at herself. There was a sort of admirable single mindedness to the way she used to live to play guitar, not out of love for the instrument but spite. It was hardly the way to become a great musician (or a decent human) but it was probably a shortcut to becoming a functional one. Simplicity aside it hardly mattered now. Perhaps, there were some fundamental similarities between the person she was then and the person she was now, but the differences were so radical Sayo was certain she wouldn’t recognize herself if she met the feeble pile of misery she used to be.

The changes were for the best. Still, Roselia’s guitarist found herself, from time to time, overwhelmed with the emotional catchup she had to play after spending the first half of her teens an unrepentant jerk. She’d had an off and on stomach ache for the better part of the year and the heavy pang of guilt in her chest never quite left. Sayo had never put much thought into the philosophy of morality but if at the bare minimum she owed loyalty to the loyal and kindness to the kind then she had many debts to repay.

Mostly to her twin sister.

Sayo was better now, perhaps not perfect, perhaps not good, but she absolutely was better. She could wrestle her jealousy into a box when it threatened to override her mind and she could speak that mind without screaming when she needed to. Certainly, she wasn’t 100% open and honest, and perhaps she’d never be 100% open and honest, but Sayo was trying.

And yet the debt remained to be paid down.

Sayo wanted do something unquestionably kind for her sister. The problem was Sayo had to work around herself. If she did anything too obvious for Hina, her sister would joyously overreact and Sayo would get embarrassed and when Sayo got embarrassed she got irritated and that would defeat the entire point of the entire project. Any acts of kindness would have to be performed secretly but Sayo found herself at a loss for what she could possibly do for the girl who could do anything.

Until Tsugumi Hazawa laid an opportunity at Sayo’s feet.

Upon hearing about Hina ridiculous request, Sayo’s first instinct had been to apologize profusely and her second instinct had been to apologize again. Yet, when she really looked at Tsugumi, the younger student’s body language gave away her feelings. Sayo noticed how the tips of Tsugumi’s fingers curled tighter around the edge of her protective tray. Sayo saw how subtle redness in her cheeks blossomed like flowers from the stems of her mouth. Sayo heard how Tsugumi’s voice tittered around the syllables of Hina’s name. Of course. Sayo’s expression had relaxed with the realization. It made perfect sense that Tsugumi would join the long line of people in love with Sayo’s little sister.

The love letters had started in middle school. Sayo used to look pointedly away from Hina’s shoe locker as she left school everyday so she wouldn’t feel that much worse than she already did. It was a stupid jealousy, more so than all the other stupid jealousies she felt. What would Sayo do with so much affection anyway? Hina’s sudden stardom made everything extraordinarily worse. Even Hanasakigawa students fell for Hina now. Girls tried to use Sayo as a deliveryman to ferry their love letters to Hina’s door. Those requests stopped after Sayo crushed one of the letters in front of its sender. Another memory to feel guilty about.

Sayo silently resolved to help Tsugumi on the spot. Tsugumi would be good for Hina. Afterglow’s most gentle member had a calming effect on everyone around her and Hina could certainly use calming. Tsugumi’s sweet nature made her tolerant to and even reciprocal of Hina’s absurdities and she was good humored enough to laugh away Hina’s accidental cruelties. She was also very attractive. Hina probably cared about that sort of thing. They suited each other.

At least Sayo told herself that as she hesitated at the door of her bedroom.

It was possible if Sayo helped Tsugumi with her love song the rest would sort itself out. Hina was many things but none of them were dense. A pointed love song would be a better confession then the dozens of letters she’d callously discarded. But the callous discarding was what made Sayo hesitate. It wouldn’t do for Hina to treat Tsugumi as she had her many would be suitors over the years. The undue cruelty would undo any good will Sayo tried to build. Hina would have to be warmed up to the idea of romance.

This was not the sort of thing Sayo was good at. This was Lisa’s domain. Lisa would know how to introduce the idea so subtly to Hina she’d be in love with Tsugumi before the conversation was done. However, Lisa was apparently off doing something very important on a Sunday morning before band practice because she hadn’t responded to any of Sayo’s messages seeking advice.

Discussing potential romantic partners was a normal sisterly topic, Sayo assured herself as she turned the door knob and crept into the living room where Hina lounged on the couch and watched some morning comedy, patiently pretending to not notice Sayo enter.

The world was an infinitely complex machine that only needed one wrench to ruin it. Sayo could only strive to not be that wrench.

“Hina.”

“Sis!” Hina whirled around, a spring finally permitted to burst. She bounced to one side the couch, slapping the cushion next to her for Sayo join in. “What’s up?”

The older twin begrudgingly sat beside her sister, “I visited Hazawa coffee yesterday.” Sayo just had to keep the conversation casual and assess Hina’s interest level in a subtle manner. “What do you think of Hazawa-san?” Incorrect. Distinctly unsubtle. Retreat. “Never mind, I should go to practi—”

“What do you mean?” Hina ignored Sayo’s attempt at a swift exit.

Sayo wrestled down her instincts and attempted to correct course, “Well, you see I… I only know her outside of school. I wanted to know what she’s like… inside of school?”

If Hina thought Sayo sounded like a lunatic, she mercifully did not show it. “I don’t think Tsugu-chan’s the kind of person who’s super different inside and outside of school. But,” Hina tapped her right pointer finger against her brow, “I guess if I had to describe her, I’d say she’s like the Big Buddha.”

“She’s like the Big Buddha,” Sayo repeated slowly as if it would give the sentence a reasonable meaning.

“Mmm!” Hina stretched from the tip of her toes to her shoulders like a cat waking from a nap, “Remember when mom and dad took us to see the one in Kamakura? It was like boppin’ big, ya know?”

“Vaguely.” If she tried, Sayo could picture the bronze icon of the tourist town sitting nearly fifty feet tall in her mind. He sat in a meditative position, hands as long as her body folded together in his lap. But like most of their shared memories, Sayo mostly remembered getting angry when Hina climbed around the hollow inside of the statue like a hyperactive green monkey.

Hina grinned, “That’s her!”

Old Sayo would have grumbled or even yelled about the ridiculousness of the base premise. But current Sayo merely struggled to see the resemblance. “I see.”

“Actually, maybe she’s more like the one in Nara? What do you think? Is Tsugu-chan more of a Todai-Ji Big Buddha or a Kotoku-In Big Buddha?”

Which one was which? How did Hina even know all of this? Their parents’ were hardly devote buddhists. “Todai-Ji,” Sayo chose.

Hina seemed surprised by Sayo’s completely random choice. “Interesting, interesting. I bet Tsugu-chan would like the deer.”

The deer? Then Todai-Ji was the Buddhist temple in the middle of Nara Deer Park. Relief filled Sayo’s chest. She’d finally caught up to her sister, even if she still didn’t understand how they’d gotten there. “I’m sure she would.”

“Why’d you pick that one?”

“It seemed more gentle.” By name alone.

“Oh is that how you think of her?”

The image of Tsugumi hugging her tray and smiling lightly floated through Sayo’s mind. “It’s apt enough.” Sayo flustered at Hina’s intense, shining stare.

“I think she’s more Kotoku-In. It’s just more...” Hina let her head roll from one shoulder to the other. “Immovable.”

Sayo resigned herself to the fact she would never really understand her twin sister. At least she was pretty sure ‘immovable’ was meant as a compliment.

* * *

There was a bit of a walk between CiRCLE and her home and yet Sayo was still early to practice. It was preferable that way, she could check in to Roselia’s practice room, lay out their equipment and ensure her guitar was perfectly in tune before anyone else arrived. Her low e string had been causing problems recently and needed the extra attention. By the time she finally got it tuned into shape the others started to join. First Yukina and Lisa entered, Lisa chatting idly about something she’d seen on TV, then Ako and Rinko, Ako talking loudly about the lasted NFO event that Sayo definitely knew absolutely nothing about and wasn’t at all interested in. They almost always came in pairs on their weekend sessions.

The members of Roselia exchanged mid-morning pleasantries and caught up on any outstanding business: a small live show they’d been invited to in two weeks, and the shadow of Future World Fes hovering over them as always in the nearer than comfortable future. Then, once all their instruments were tuned and their fingers readied, they played.

Several hours later they wrapped. Sayo wiped her forehead with the back of her hand and brought it down to her eyes. Some light perspiration, not unusual for a practice of that length but not as heavy as she’d expected.

“Another excellent practice,” Yukina smiled more to herself than the rest of them, but her effort was appreciated. Sayo knew exactly how many times she’d made a mistake (three), and she knew Yukina knew too, but somewhere along the line they’d stopped mentioning the specifics for small errors.

“It was more than excellent,” the tiny purple tornado that was Ako Udagawa threatened to burst into the air over her drum set, “We were five princes riding the elevator of our destiny to the battleground where we fight for our Rose Bride and the power to—Rin-Rin help??”

“Revolutionize the worl—”

“REVOLUTIONIZE THE WORLD! Ohmygod that is so COOL!” Ako’s voice rose into a mouse’s squeak halfway through.

“Ako-chan~,” Lisa sang, “If we’re the five princes, who’s the Rose Bride?”

“Uh… um…” Ako floundered and turned desperately to Rinko, who was trying to mouth out a hint. “R-Roselia, of course! Roselia is the Rose Bride we’re going to use to revolutionize the world o-on the battleground of Future World FES!”

“Ding! Ding! Correct,” Lisa handed Ako a cookie and gently tossed one underhand to Rinko. The pianist let out a small squawk and just managed to catch it with the tips of her fingers. “Who’s next?” The bassist looked to Yukina with a mischievous smile.

“Lisa,” Yukina said with warning in her voice.

“If you want the cookie, you’ll have to answer a little trivia,” Lisa winked.

“If I must.”

“What… is the name of the band who invited us to join the live show we’re playing in two weeks?”

Technically, Yukina’s face didn’t move, but every single person in that room could see plain as day she was internally scrambling for an answer. Sayo was simply grateful she wasn’t asked. The singer’s stone face finally cracked, “G-girl’s B and Party.”

“Bzzt. Looks like you’ll have to get the punishment,” Lisa pulled a ginger snap from her bag of treats. “Say ‘Ah’.”

There was a long pause where the (assumed) ice cold rose of Roselia stared down the warm gooey center of Roselia until finally, “Ah.”

Lisa instantly doubled over, shaking with her own snickers, “I didn’t—HAH—think—hehe—you’d actually do it—SNORT!”

Yukina snatched the cookie from her best friend’s hand and nibbled it facing the wall, pretending nothing had happened. Sayo turned away to hide her growing smile in her guitar case. If Roselia could stay like this forever… well, thinking like that was absurd. Roselia had ever greater heights to reach and time always marched forward.

When Lisa finally regained herself she turned to Sayo, in the middle of zipping her guitar shut. “As for Sayo...”

Sayo readied herself.

“Do you want a cookie?”

“That was anti-climatic.”

“You just look like you could use a cookie,” Lisa looped her arm around Sayo’s shoulders and steered her towards the exit, “We’ll be just outside okay?”

Ako posed, “We shall prepare the citadel for the next ritual.”

“She means… we’ll clean up Imai-san…”

Once they were outside Lisa finally slipped a cookie into Sayo’s hand. It would have been a lie to say the guitarist wasn’t looking forward to it. A quick nip revealed it had the perfect snap, a flavor that was almost more biscuit than cookie but a texture that was perfectly crisp. “Excellent as always, Imai-san.”

“You think? It’s a new recipe,” Lisa’s lips remained curved in her usual playful smile but the edges didn’t quite curl the way they usually did. Sayo could tell their was something on her friend’s mind but that didn’t mean she knew what do say. What was appropriate in this sort of situation? Normally Sayo was the one with the long face and the nosy friends. Was she supposed to ask about it? The reserved girl had never been any good at that. Wait for Lisa to speak? As she waited by default the silence between them stretched out like tar.

Sayo filled the spaced by chewing the cookie. It had a familiar taste. If Lisa couldn’t speak and Sayo couldn’t ask she could at least distract, “Is there espresso in these?”

Lisa eyebrows wriggled up in surprise, “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“I heard about using espresso in baking from a friend the other day.”

“Was it Tsugumi-chan?” Lisa grinned with a wink and a nudge that Sayo ignored.

“Yes, it was from Hazawa-san.”

“You’re no fun to tease Sayo,” despite Lisa’s complaint she smiled easily again, whatever she’d wanted to say she’d already packed up in her mind for later.

“Some things aren’t secrets, Imai-san.”

“Have another cookie,” Lisa forced one into Sayo’s closed hands before turning back to their practice room, “I should help them finish up, go on without me!”

There’d always be another chance for Lisa to get whatever it was off her chest. For now, it was almost time to meet up with Tsugumi.

* * *

It was almost exactly time to meet up with Sayo. Of course it wasn’t quite time to meet up which made Tsugumi early. So Tsugumi waited outside the entrance to CiRCLE getting chillier and chillier instead of waiting inside where it was warm because she foolishly hadn’t established where to meet Sayo and—

“Oh ho~ Tsugu, Tsugu~.” Moca appeared behind Tsugumi. She had always been able to appear from nowhere with no warning. The languid guitarist curled around Tsugumi’s shoulder like a friendly snake, munching a Yamabuki bakery speciality. She continued on with her oven warmed voice, “What are you doing here this comfy Sunday on your lonesome?”

“Moca-chan!” Tsugumi’s face looked surprised but she still laughed, “Where’d you come from?”

“A complicated question,” Moca shrugged, “Some say many years ago my sweet childless Mama opened up an extra large melon bun and found baby me curled up inside.” She made jazz hands around Tsugumi’s ears. “Others say the great and power Moca-chan has always been here at CiRCLE, waiting for her long lost true love to return from the battle of the bands. If you listen close you can still hear her stomach growl.”

Grrugle.

“How’d you time that?”

Moca peeled herself off of Tsugumi, “the great and powerful Moca-chan never reveals her secrets.”

“Is the great and powerful Moca-chan getting in some extra practice too?”

“They say you can’t exceed perfection, but Moca-chan will try her best,” Moca bowed. “Wanna join?”

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m actually meeting up with someone.”

Moca’s mouth and eyes formed three near perfect circles, “Who could this Tsuguriffic mystery partner be?”

Tsugumi tried to keep her wince invisible, “Moca—”

“Hazawa-san.” The sliding doors to CiRCLE opened and Sayo exited. “Are you ready?”

“No way!” Moca actually gasped.

“Aoba-san,” Sayo nodded, “how do you do?”

“Tsugu, you’re breaking Moca-chan’s tender heart. You’re sneaking off to practice with my greatest rival?”

“Are we still rivals?”

“Rivalry doesn’t die so easily. Here I thought you were the hot-blooded rival meant to push me to my next form, but were you actually a love interest the whole time?!”

“Have I offended you, Aoba-san?” Sayo shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

“She’s just joking Sayo-san,” Tsugumi hurried to explain one friend to the other.

“I see.”

“Non, Non,” Moca waggled her finger. “This is such a grave insult. I don’t think I can bequeath my dear Tsugu to someone so cruel.”

Whatever Moca was talking about, it was definitely embarrassing. Tsugumi took the initiative, “S-Sayo-san! Our reservation has started, we should get going.”

“Of course, goodbye Aoba-san.”

Moca called after them as they disappeared into the building, “Don’t do anything I would do!”

They walked together, standing just far apart to keep from bumping into one another. Sayo wavered for a moment, then asked, “Hazawa-san, are you Aoba-san’s to ‘bequeath’?”

“Am I— I—” Tsugumi’s eyes spun at the implication. “No! I’m not anyone’s to _bequeath_! I’m not a sword.”

“Ah.” Sayo nodded as they made their way through the lobby. She waved at Marina at the desk in lieu of a check-in. “Good. I mean, I don’t pay much attention to gossip. I’m always behind on others’… relationships.”

“I always end up learning more than I mean to… when you work in a coffeeshop you kind of end up hearing a lot of stuff that isn’t meant for your ears. Oh! But I’d never tell!” Tsugumi puffed out her chest, “It’s the barista’s oath! I keep my customer’s secrets.”

Sayo’s lips flickered into a smile. “The barista’s oath.”

“It’s a very sacred vow. I’ve sworn to keep my customer’s secrets safe and their cups full.”

“Very noble,” Sayo chuckled, two soft bursts of sound from her chest.

Tsugumi could feel heat rise to her cheeks after her display. She rustled in her bag for a distraction. “I brought you this as a thank you,” Tsugumi pulled out a tall red thermos from her bag. “Fresh Hazawa Coffee coffee.”

Tsugumi swore she heard Sayo repeat “coffee coffee,” under her breath.

“It’s black, just how you like it.” Tsugumi pushed it into Sayo’s hands. “I have to say, that’s a little intimidating.”

“Intimidating?” They turned down into the hall of practice spaces.

“My dad always says: ‘there are only three reasons to drink coffee black: you really like looking tough, you really like coffee’,” Tsugumi counted on her fingers. “What’s the third? Oh right! ‘Or you really like your barista.’”

“I find I only like baristas who very strictly adhere to their oaths.”

“Sayo-san! Was that a joke?”

Sayo’s wry smile shifted across her face, “I dabble in them from time to time.” She grabbed the handle of the door in front of them. “Shall we begin?”

* * *

The rehearsal space had never been so small as it was now. The walls tightened around them as Tsugumi lifted her keyboard from its case and Sayo unzipped her guitar just out of Tsugumi’s line of sight. It was like everything was turned 10 degrees to the left, just off enough to feel but not see. The placement, the partner, the noises, they weren’t what Tsugumi’s body was familiar with. Tsugumi made a show to herself of unfolding the legs of the loaned keyboard stand and balancing her instrument as slow as possible.

Dum. Dum. Dum.

Tsugumi’s ear twitched at the deep sound of Sayo’s low e, played once to test, twice to tune and a third time to confirm. She hovered over the hard plastic keys with fingers too short and stubby to ever be any good at the piano. What was she thinking, agreeing to something like this? It’d seemed fun in the moment but now? Sayo was going to find out what a rotten musician Tsugumi really was. There was no one to buffer her sound here. There was no Moca to cover for her mistakes or Ran to belt so loud no one cared what the instruments were doing. There was just Tsugumi and the well-intentioned perfectionist she couldn’t even see.

But Tsugumi could still hear her. It was like Sayo had plugged herself into the amp. The squeaking twitch of her fingers on the strings. The rustle of her dress around her knees. The even keel of her deep breaths one after another after another as she stared into Tsugumi’s back and surely wondered why the little keyboard girl hadn’t started to play.

“Sayo-san,” Tsugumi called out, eyes facing her keys, “Would you stand in front of me?”

Sayo made a small exhaling noise, not meant to be heard, and stepped into Tsugumi’s line of sight. Her back to Tsugumi’s front. “Is this better?”

“Y-yes. I’m sorry, it’s ju—.”

“It’s alright.” Sayo offered nothing else. Tsugumi knew Sayo to be a serious person, but she’d never noticed how solemn music made the guitarist. To be fair, she’d never been close enough to see.

There was something comforting about someone else’s back. Something to stare at and study when there was nothing else to see. Sayo’s posture was perfect, like someone had once corrected her and she’d carved the lesson onto her spine. A little part of Tsugumi wanted to reach out and push to see if Sayo was as poised as she seemed. But the rest of the smaller girl held back.

Here Tsugumi was at the keyboard again. Infinite space for sound around her and no place to start. How did people write music? Forget that, how did they play music? How could Tsugumi think she could do this on her own? How dare she—

“Hazawa-san. You can play whenever you like,” Sayo turned her head, just enough that one green-gold eye framed under hard teal lines blinked out at Tsugumi. “You lead, I’ll follow.”

Sayo needed something to play. The fist around Tsugumi’s heart loosened. It was so much easier to do something for someone else. Whatever Tsugumi wanted. What did Tsugumi want to play? She stared at the keys til they burned onto the inside of her eyelids. When she was six years old and she begged Santa (and her parents) for a keyboard of her own, what had she been thinking?

_I’ve been playing for so long._

When the stern faced woman with a crow’s beak for a nose and fingers made of bent nails made her stop fooling around play chopsticks for the umpteenth time, what had she been playing?

_Why aren’t I better at this?_

When her friends assured her she didn’t have to push herself wasn’t it because they knew she wasn’t getting better? They loved her too much to be kind. What had she tried to play that was too much?

_Please just tell me I’m no good at this._

Tsugumi slammed the fists she didn’t realize she had clenched onto the keyboard. It let out a burst of messy noise, notes twisted into one another like wires behind a tv. But somewhere in the mess there was scrap of a memory.

She hit it again. The same noise emerged but this time she could hear something new. A flash of red. A sound within the sound. Sayo didn’t twitch.

Once more.

There it was. What Tsugumi was looking for. She reached out, grabbed the sound and—

Played a single note.

And then again. And again.

It needed a partner. One more note.

One two. One two.

One two three.

One two three.

One two three four.

One

Two

Three

Four.

A quartet of just four simple notes.

One Two Three Four.

One Two Three Four.

One. Two. Three. Four.

The same four notes vibrated out from the deliberate strings of Sayo’s guitar.

Tsugumi fought the instinct to match her speed to her playing partner. Today, she set the pace. And she wanted to play faster. And she wanted to play slower. And she wanted to keep playing until her fingers crumbled to dust on her hands and she could only play with the stumps. Even if she only ever played these four notes her whole rest of her life, that was alright.

The guitar edged closer and closer to matching. Every four pointed circle drawing them closer and closer until—

One One.

Two Two.

Three Three.

Four Four.

Sayo caught Tsugumi.

All at once, Tsugumi realized that she’d poured every bit of raw emotion in her body into those notes and there was nothing but exhaustion left to hold her shape. She collapsed to the ground in an imitation of a pose she’d seen Himari make after a tennis match, arms and legs spread wide, chest heaving, grin bursting.

“Hazawa-san, you’ll get dirty if you stay on the ground.”

Tsugumi lifted her head. Sayo’s back was still turned but her shoulders were held rigidly and the tips of her ears were red. Immense embarrassment was the first emotion to return to Tsugumi’s heart. “S-Sorry!” She scrambled up to a sitting position. The ramifications of her musical outburst hit all at once. Sayo definitely thought she was a crazy person.

Sayo turned around, her expression neutral. “I admit, I did not expect that.” There was the Sayo who intimidated all of Tsugumi’s friends. “I had no idea you had such a penchant for post rock.”

“Post rock…?”

“That repetition of the notes?” Sayo’s arms folded in tight across her chest. “Were you not going for a post rock sound? Don’t answer, I can tell from your confused expression that I am completely wrong and sound like a fool.”

“No!” Tsugumi hurried to reassured her embarrassed friend, “I mean, yes to the first part no to the second—wait there were three parts—no, yes, no! You’re definitely not a fool.” Tsugumi pulled herself upright with the keyboard stand. “I don’t actually know what that is.”

Sayo’s arms fell back to her sides, “It’s a sort of music that uses rock instruments and sounds to create… not rock music.” Sayo almost laughed, “Hina’s fond of it. She says its good music for stargazing.”

“Oh um… I was trying more…” Tsugumi breathed deep, “jazz actually.”

Sayo waited for her to continue with her serious expression.

“I remembered something. It’s kind of silly. But... when I was little I saw this performance on TV. There was this jazz pianist and she had this beautiful red dress and—I guess I really just wanted to wear a pretty dress—but she just seemed so confident and so… in the right place. I think that’s why I started playing piano,” Tsugumi could feel how burning red her face had become. The instinct to hide away was too strong to fight. Her hands clasped around her face and over her eyes as if not being able to see someone meant they couldn’t see her either.

“Hazawa-san,” Sayo softly called out, “I believe, that is as fine a reason as any to start playing.”

Tsugumi let her fingers part just enough to see Sayo’s awkward smile and sideways glance. “Sayo-san.” She pulled her hands down. “Would you play with me a little longer?”

“That is why I’m here, Hazawa-san.”

It wasn’t a love song, but it was a start.

* * *

Hina was still sprawled across the couch when Sayo returned home. “Have you moved since I left?”

“Nope! It’s my day off and I’ll do what I want~.” Hina grinned at Sayo, head hanging upside down cross the armrest. “Wanna join me?”

“I want to get a little more practice in,” Sayo shifted her guitar case on her shoulder. “Maybe later.”

“Maybe! Boppin’!”

“Don’t forget your homework,” Sayo added.

“Heh, don’t worry, don’t worry~.”

Sayo left Hina in the living room, humming to herself and noisily eating a bag of chips. Home again, home again. She entered her room with a relieved sigh. Sayo couldn’t say if she helped Tsugumi or not, but she’d tried. Sayo laid her guitar on her bed and rolled her shoulders, granting herself a moment of relief before re-slinging the instrument across her shoulders and grabbing her headphones. For the third time that day Sayo checked the tuning.

Dum. Dum. Dum.

The low e still wasn’t quite right. The other five strings held their tuning throughout the day but every time she stopped playing the low e snuck out of shape. What a troublesome instrument. Keyboards always kept their tune, though pianos were perhaps much worse than either.

Sayo glanced at her phone. A message lay in wait there from Tsugumi:

**Thanks for playing with me today!!**

The guitarist hadn’t responded yet. She considered apologizing, It was a bit embarrassing that she’d made Tsugumi so nervous the girl had hardly been able to play at first. But perhaps a response wasn’t warranted. She had done Tsugumi a favor, Tsugumi had thanked her in return. End of interaction. Tsugumi was closer to finding her own sound and writing something like a love song for Hina’s sake. Her sister would enjoy anything Tsugumi did but she would surely appreciate Tsugumi’s effort. They’d probably fall in love, perhaps forever. There would be plenty of time to talk to Tsugumi when she was Sayo’s sister-in-law.

Sayo’s fingers plucked out four familiar notes without her noticing. Just four simple notes. That wasn’t right. That was the thing about music, every note held infinite complexity. There were no simple notes. All songs were just notes and chords arranged in an impossible amount of combinations. It was simple in concept but tricky in the playing. Sayo understood the theory as well as anyone, but so much still alluded her. One. Two. Three. Four.

But it was nice to play with someone as unsure as herself.

Sayo turned her private smile, the one she saved for her guitar, to her phone:

**Let’s play again sometime.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU where Tsugu just really likes jazz. 
> 
> Writing people playing music is so hard, why did I set myself up to have to do it so many times... Oh well, the secret is this is really an excuse to push my "put espresso in all your tasty treats" agenda but also, put espresso in all your tasty treats.


	3. Tongue-Tied and Dizzy

“Tsugu-senpai! Do you need anything else from us?”

Tsugumi looked up from her paperwork at two of her student council freshmen, fighting down the goofy smile that tried to reach her face every time someone called her ‘senpai’ with the fact they all prefaced it with ‘Tsugu’. Hina’s work, of course. It didn’t matter in the long run, and maybe it was a compliment that underclassmen found her so approachable but secretly in her heart of hearts Tsugumi did long for just one student to call her Hazawa-senpai.

The girls reminded Tsugumi of herself just a year earlier, fresh faced and eager to help. Maybe they were a bit more energetic, definitely a lot more giggly. It seemed something had caught their eye just to Tsugumi’s side—

“Senpai!” Tsugumi nearly flopped out of her chair as she turned into a pair of staring green galaxies.

The freshmen’s tittering quickly evolved into full laughter. Tsugumi tried to quiet them with a glare, something she’d seen Ran master, but the students’ slow silence was most likely out of pity rather than intimidation. Tsugumi cleared her throat, “You’re fine to go, thank you.”

“Thanks Tsugu-senpai! Good luck with Hina-senpai!”

Tsugumi watched with a smile until the girls were clear of the student council room before turning to Hina, still staring. “If there’s something on my face please tell me.”

Hina pointed at Tsugumi’s left hand with a wink.

Tsugumi looked down at her hand and realized it was hovering over an invisible keyboard. Her pinky and middle fingers alongside her thumb were still contorted as if in the middle of playing a pretend chord. She clasped her hands together to control her wayward limb and slumped down into her seat, brushing her neat pile of papers eschew. “Was I doing that the whole meeting?”

“Pretty much.”

“So… everyone saw.”

“They probably thought it was cute too.”

“Why wouldn’t they just think I’m crazy?” Tsugumi pulled her head into her folded arms on the table in a weak attempt to hide her glowing cheeks.

“’Cause you’re cute.”

The student council vice president could feel the tips of her ears heat up, “You can’t just say things like that.”

Hina ducked into Tsugumi’s vision, brimming with curiosity, “Why not?”

There was something like a point in that question. Why couldn’t Hina call Tsugumi cute? It wasn’t that Tsugumi was really anti-being called cute or took offense at her senpai’s affection. ‘You’re cute’ wasn’t exactly a hot and heavy compliment. It was the same thing a person would say to a small house pet. If you could say it to a dog was it really something to be embarrassed about? But still, Tsugumi did feel embarrassed, and she couldn’t put the reasoning into words.

“I guess it’s okay. If you want to say it,” Tsugumi admitted.

“Heh heh, that’s what I’m talking about,” Hina seemed pleased with the answer, “You put a lot of thought into that didn’t ya?”

“What do you mean?”

“When you think real hard,” Hina reached over and pushed Tsugumi’s bangs to the side. The carefree president ran the pad of her thumb up the bridge of Tsugumi’s nose up to the spot just between her eyes that Ran had pointed out just a few days earlier. “You get a little boppity shoobabity wrinkle right here.”

“I’ve never been good at keeping secrets,” Tsugumi said with a sigh as she waited for Hina to move away.

She didn’t.

Instead Hina’s thumb kept trailing around Tsugumi’s face. Over the crest of her eyebrow with a shivering tickle, turning that unexpectedly gentle hand so that Hina’s palm cupped the side of her underclassman’s head and her fingers snuck into Tsugumi hair. Her bright grin quieted into a sneaking smile, “You got one of those tell-all sorta faces.”

Tsugumi suspected her face was telling quite the story at the moment. Her heartbeat quickened with nerves. “Senpai, you shouldn’t just touch people.”

Hina squinted a little but didn’t move, “Why?”

That ‘why’ was much easier to answer. “Some people don’t like being touched.”

“You sound like my sister,” Hina said with affection. “Oh.” She snapped her unconnected hand. “Do you not like being touched?”

A dozen memories meandered through Tsugumi’s mind. Himari linking their arms together as they walked down the street like the ladies in their English novels. Ran demurely tugging on her sleeve looking for intimacy she didn’t know how to ask for. Tomoe’s backbreaking hugs after a good show and her tender hugs after a bad one. The rare Moca nuzzle when her feelings were overwhelming and she just needed a tether to the ground. And now Hina’s odd almost head pat sending a tingle down her neck. The way someone reached out for Tsugumi told her everything she needed to know. “I like it.”

Hina wiggled her fingers just enough to make Tsugumi giggle with the tickle. “You’re really cute from close up too.” She finally pulled away, “It’s too bad you always play keyboard in the back. No one ever sees.”

Tsugumi was about to tell Hina she liked the view from back there but Hina rocked her chair back with a sort of finality and the council room was still a mess that needed cleaning.

The Student Council Vice-President left Hina to her daydreams and stood up to survey the wreckage the rest of the students had left behind: a mess of papers, pencils and other detritus of student life. Simple enough to clean up. With a quick pause to roll up her sleeves, Tsugumi began to sweep the papers into a pile. Ones to keep over here, ones to throw out over there.

Misplaced permission forms from the student body? Keep. Resolved rooftop noise complaints? Keep. Left over candy wrappers? Toss. Someone’s English homework? Keep. A carefully curated list of the tastiest places to eat after school? Toss, but Tsugumi appreciated the author ranking Hazawa Coffee second. Varying quality doodles of Kaoru Seta? Toss.High quality doodle of Maya Yamato? Toss but admire. Doodle of Hina with a goofy pair of Groucho glasses? Quietly keep.

There was fun to be had in the tiding. It was a window into her student council, into what they held important and what they left behind. Tsugumi was grateful for it, grateful for them. Even if they wouldn’t call her Hazawa-senpai.

With a pleased hum, Tsugumi turned to grab the trashcan, only to once again find two green eyes drilling into her.

“S-senpai!” Tsugumi had assumed Hina had zoomed off to wherever Hina Hikawa went when her eyes glazed over but here she was on planet Earth still staring at Tsugumi.

“Why do you do that?”

“You have a lot of questions today.” Tsugumi sighed fondly, “Do what?”

“Clean up,” Hina clattered her chair down and picked up the black plastic trashcan.

“You don’t have to do that,” Tsugumi quickly reached for the trashcan.

The president hopped out of Tsugumi’s reach, “But if I help it’ll go faster? Or if you told everyone to get rid of their stuff before they leave. Then you wouldn’t have to do it at all.”

How could Tsugumi explain that Hina was right but she wasn’t _right_? Tsugumi tried to keep her forehead smooth as she thought through her response. “I like doing it.”

Hina pulled the trashcan back between them. That curious expression hadn’t left her eyes but now it twisted, just a little. “Before I really knew you I always thought you were a pushover gettin’ bullied into all this,” a grin spread out across Hina’s face growing from her canines, “but you’re pretty boppin’, aren’t ya Tsugu-chan?”

Was that a compliment or an insult? Tsugumi settled on both and a little bit of neither. Before she could ask for clarification, Hina launched a cannon into Tsugumi’s limited understanding of her senpai.

“I like you a lot. Let’s go out.”

Tsugumi’s brain shorted. It was like she was a computer forced to restart, only able jump to the thing she was doing before the error occurred. “May I have the trashcan?”

Hina cackled, doubling over with her own laughter, “You’re so interesting!”

“The trashcan?”

“This Saturday. Are you free?”

Tsugumi needed to finish cleaning. It was suddenly very important that she finish cleaning, Tsugumi decided as her brain tried to fill up with anything but the last three things Hina had just said. Maybe she could give the table a good wiping down when she was done and—

The hard edge of the trashcan pressed into her stomach. Hina’s wondering eyes glistened, “Where’d you go?”

Tsugumi took the trashcan from her senpai with a gulp as her brain cleared out its protective noise. Very quietly she squeaked out, “Okay.”

She was probably misinterpreting Hina anyway. Tsugumi had read too many shoujo manga and—

“Zappin’.” Hina winked. “I can’t wait to find out which Big Buddha you really are.”

—it was Hina after all. There was no way she was actually asking Tsugumi out.

* * *

“No, she definitely asked you out,” Himari’s voice buzzed with excitement as she disappeared with arms full of new outfits behind the red and white plaid of the changing room curtain. “She said ‘I like you’ and ‘let’s go out’. What’s the mystery?”

The mystery was a little under a hundred and sixty centimeters of weird questions and boppin’s and green-gold eyes that always gleamed like they were privy to a joke they wouldn’t share. Himari didn’t really know Hina, what would obviously be romantic if someone else said it was just the first thing that came from Hina’s unfiltered mouth. It’d been two days since Hina had asked but Tsugumi was no closer to understanding what the president really wanted from her.Tsugumi tapped against the wooden arm of the courtesy chair left outside the changing room for bored boyfriends and anxious best friends.

It was a favorite regular ritual of Himari and Tsugumi’s. Himari had other friends who shared more of her specific clothing tastes but she always made sure to save some shopping just to catch up with Tsugumi in a little shop the rest of their family wouldn’t be caught dead in. It was very ‘mall chic’, the sort of clothing store that couldn’t possibly survive anywhere that wasn’t immediately surrounded by soft pretzels and gadget stores. Tsugumi had never actually purchased anything.

“I don’t want to assume anything,” Tsugumi sighed.

Sccchng. The curtain parted just enough for Himari to glare out before disappearing again. “This is just like in our shoujo manga.”

“Just like in our shoujo manga.”

“How many times have we read this plot?” The curtain rustled, “It’s always actually a date! Even when it’s not supposed to be a _date_ date it’s still a date!”

“I know but—”

“Let’s examine the evidence,” Himari threw back the curtain revealing the unfathomably fluffy red dress with white polka dots. The sleeves balled up like swimming floaties.

“You look so cute!”

“Thank you!” Himari immediately paused and twirled, “But should I get it?”

Tsugumi hesitated. “Um…”

“I knew it didn’t look good—WAIT—no distracting me!”

Tsugumi smiled sheepishly, her plot revealed.

Scccchng. Himari ducked back behind the curtain, “You two spend all your time together! I mean you’re president and vice president, which is just so romantic I could die. Plus,she’s always complimenting you.”

“She calls me ‘boppin’. Is that a compliment?”

“It’s Hina-senpai, that’s like her favorite word.” Himari gasped, “her favorite word for her favorite person— that’s you!”

“She also called me ‘interesting’.”

“And cute!”

“And she wants to know what ‘Big Buddha’ I’m like.”

Scccchng. “… it is Hina-senpai.” Himari pulled back the curtain again, now in a pair of denim overalls. The overalls looked good until Tsugumi’s friend turned around and the elaborate ‘farm life’ stitching revealed itself.

Still Tsugumi cheered, “You look cute!”

“But should I get it?”

“Well…” Tsugumi started diplomatically.

Scccchng. The curtain slid back into place.

“Look.” The shuffling of clothes, “it sounds like a date to me.”

No matter how clear it seemed, Tsugumi just couldn’t get her head wrapped around the idea. Hina was… Hina Hikawa. Student Council President. Genius Guitarist. Actual Celebrity. And Tsugumi knew she was literally playing into the oldest trope in manga and that it was wrong to just think of herself as just an ordinary girl unworthy of a special person’s attention yet still she found that classic phrase tumbling from her lips, “But why would Hina ask someone like me out?”

Sccccccccchhrrrrripng. The air filled with the sound of Himari hurriedly throwing on whatever outfit was in her hands before flinging the curtain open with such force one of the rings popped off. “TSUGUMI HAZAWA! Do NOT say that.”

Tsugumi shrunk down in the face of Himari’s affectionate scold. “Himari-chan…”

“Tsugumi you are a perfect, glorious angel descended from heaven to teach us all the power of love,” Himari reached out for her friend’s hands, clad in an ill-fitting paisley top with wild, nay illogical, frills. “Also we all had crushes on you in middle school so I know for a fact people with good taste fall for you ALL the time.”

“You guys didn’t.”

“We did! Well, at least me and Ran did. Remember that whole summer Ran just followed you around like,” Himari lowered her voice into an abysmal impression, “‘um… Tsugu… this, uh, chrysanthemum reminds me of you.’ That was a crush! We didn’t know what to do so we made a pact to never tell you—oh I guess I just told you.” Himari shrugged, “sorry baby Ran.”

“I won’t tell,” Tsugumi vaguely remembered the odd summer they were thirteen and she kept running into Ran on the street outside the cafe with flowers in her hands and a total inability to make eye contact. It made a lot more sense all of the sudden.

Her ever so slightly shorter friend threw her arms around Tsugumi, “You’re my best friend and you have a DATE with a super cute, kinda weird, upperclassman this weekend, so why are we looking at outfits for me!”

“Because you look cute?” Tsugumi offered.

Himari looked down at her unfortunate outfit. “Tsugu, you can say the outfit doesn’t look good.”

“But you always look cute, Himari-chan.”

Tears welled up in Himari’s eyes as she clung tighter to Tsugumi’s neck. “If Hina-senpai hurts you, I will have Tomoe beat her down.”

“C-can you do that?”

“She’s my girlfriend! I own those fists!” Himari disappeared into the changing room for a split second before reemerging in her own clothes. “Let’s get you a ‘kiss me senpai’ outfit!”

“K-kiss me senpai?!”

“I’m sorry do you not want to kiss Hina-senpai? Take it from me, you should really sort your kissing feelings out now, it’ll save a lot of time.”

“I—um—I haven’t thought about it really?” Tsugumi blushed as she remembered just how close Hina had been in the student council room that day. If Hina had wanted to she could have just leaned in a little bit more and—

Himari poked out from the curtain with a teasing cat-like smirk, “You’re thinking about it right now aren’t you?”

Tsugumi squirmed in the chair, “Maybe. That doesn’t mean anything. The idea of kissing anyone would make me blush. It can still be platonic…”

“Tsugu. Take it from me,” Himari said with the severity of experience. “There is no such thing as a platonic kiss.”

“W-we should get going,” Tsugumi stood up quickly. “We have to meet up with everyone.”

“Oh no, no, Tsugu.” Himari tugged her friend close by the collar, “we’re getting you something cute to wear whether you want it or not.”

Someone save Tsugumi from her friend’s good intentions.

* * *

Half an hour and several thousand yen she didn’t mean to spend later Tsugumi found herself seated in her usual spot at their usual table with a heavy shopping bag at her feet. If anyone thought it was odd for Tsugumi to enter laden with shopping bags and Himari to come in empty handed they didn’t say anything. She’d sworn Himari to absolute secrecy regarding Hina. Himari protested but ultimately agreed to keep the ‘Tsugu Secret’ until Tsugumi was able to sort out what was really going on.

Of course with the way Himari kept looking over at Tsugumi and winking someone was going to figure things out very fast. And that someone was going to be Moca Aoba. Normally the only secrets Tsugumi ever had to keep were for and not from Moca.

“You guys missed out on the Hello Happy World show yesterday,” Tomoe leaned her elbows on the table, framing her face with her fists.

“They had a concert on a Tuesday?” Ran asked.

“It was like a pop-up show thing in downtown, Seta-senpai texted me.”

Himari turned to Tomoe with and incredulous expression, “Kaoru-senpai had a show and invited you AND you didn’t tell me?!”

“Yeah, we’re bros! She invites me to everything.”

Tsugumi had to hold herself back lest she burst out laughing at Himari’s betrayed expression. Moca and Ran had no such qualms, breaking into jagged, matching fits of laughter.

Moca waved through her snickers, “Tomo-chin, you have to watch out or Hii-chan’s gonna leave you for Kaoru.”

“I got something senpai doesn’t though. These guns!” Tomoe flexed. Her impressive biceps bulged under her cotton shirt. Himari’s wide eyes and giddy smile promised all previous crimes were forgiven.

Ran opened her mouth, no doubt to tell Tomoe to put those things away, but Tsugumi jumped in first to distract. “It’s been a while since we’ve had a show, hasn’t it?”

Ran’s mouth snapped shut. The gears in her head turned as she tried to figure out exactly how long it had been. “…like two months.”

Actually, it’d been almost three months but Tsugumi wasn’t going to correct her.

Tomoe sighed, “Is that why we have no fans?”

“We have fans,” Himari protested.

“I don’t want fans,” Ran said, her arms crossed as punctuation.

“Yeah Hii-chan, this is a no fan band,” Moca nodded, “Next year we’ll only play abandoned hospitals and amusement parks.”

Tomoe punched the air excitedly, “Aw man! That’d be so punk!”

“Somehow, I think that’d make us more popular,” Tsugumi started to chuckle pleasantly until the bag at her feet nudged her shin.

“No way. I want to play somewhere cute!” Himari shook girlfriend by the shoulders.

The bag nudged Tsugumi again. Was someone kicking it? She looked across the table at Moca tsking chidingly at Himari, slightly slumped in her seat. “That’s not very punk rock of you.”

“…it’d be… pretty cool.” Ran admitted under her breath.

“Moca-chan will get her tetanus shot right away.”

“If we play in an abandoned amusement park we’re kinda stepping in Hello Happy’s turf though. They got that creepy cute thing going,” Tomoe said, taking the joke very seriously.

Himari seemed to take offense. “Creepy cute?”

“Kokoro is… a lot,” Ran and Tsugumi locked eyes, both remembering an odd starry night in a cabin in the woods. Tsugumi liked Kokoro but trying to imagine being in daily contact with the sun’s earthly vessel made her exhaustion double. “Sometimes when I hear her sing I just can’t figure out where those notes are coming from.”

“Ran~ Is this your way of saying we should become a Hello Happy cover band~?”

Tsugumi stiffened. The light pressure of the bag against Tsugumi’s leg disappeared with the faintest scraping noise and Moca seemed to be getting shorter.

Ran mulled it over, “I wouldn’t mind playing someone else’s song.”

“Can we even handle Hello Happy World’s stuff though? Kokoro, like, crowd dived off the roof at the pop-up show I don’t know how she even got up there,” Tomoe looked dazed at the memory. “I’d probably die for her but she terrifies me.”

“You’d DIE for Kokoro Tsurumaki?!” Himari smacked the table with such force a fry fell out of their basket.

“Hypothetically!”

Tsugumi stretched out her leg, groping around with her foot for the mischievous perpetrator currently trying to sneak the bag off of the floor and into a waiting hand—

“Oof,” Moca let out the slightest wince as Tsugumi’s foot made contact with her hand. The kick, more of a press really, wasn’t hard enough to hurt. It was just enough to let Moca know that Tsugumi knew. The bag slid back to Tsugumi.

“If Kokoro and I were hanging over a pit of lava and you could only save one, which one would you save?”

“Babe, what kind of question is that?”

“No pet names!”

“Why didn’t you answer?!”

“How come you can get your panties all twisted over Seta-senpai but I can’t hypothetically die for Kokoro Tsurumaki?!”

“That is a double standard Himari.”

As their friends debated, Moca flashed Tsugumi a guilty smile that said ‘can you blame me for trying’ and Tsugumi knew she couldn’t. Moca Mocaed because she cared. “It’s a dress.” Tsugumi whispered.

Moca played dumb with her own whisper, “Moca-chan has no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You could have just asked.”

Moca winked, “It couldn’t be our Tsugu’s got a hot date outfit in that bag?”

Tsugumi inhaled deeply and twisted a napkin in two in her hands. “Um… well… maybe.”

That rarest of her emotions drew over Moca’s face: genuine surprise. Moca only let the expression stay for the length of a blink before her wry smile was back and she leaned towards the other three, cutting their ‘discussion’ short, “Let’s do a live show.”

Everyone’s faces instantly lit up at the idea but just as fast they all fell. Himari sighed first. “I have that tennis match with Hanasakigawa coming up…”

“Things are getting busy at the school with the end of the year too,” Ran grumbled.

Moca picked up a fry and spun it in her fingers. Her face remained neutral but her eyes fixated away from her friends on the round and round motion of the salty spud. “Now that you mention it—”

“Let’s do it anyway.”

Tsugumi found herself standing up at the table, like she had all those years ago when they first became a band. Like then she barely thought about what she was saying. “Even if it’s crazy and we’re all busy. Let’s put on a show anyway! We’re a band aren’t we?”

Himari flipped through her phone, “There’s not much available on such short notice.”

“Then we can plan our own! For next month! Just after New Year’s.”

“We might be able to find a place…” Himari chewed on her lower lip, “I won’t have time to look though.”

“I’ll do it,” Tsugumi offered. “I can take the lead.”

“Poppin’ Party will probably join us,” Tomoe suggested, “they’ll play anything.”

“Don’t you want to ask Kokoro to join?” Himari sniped mostly playfully.  
“Oh you think they’d play too?”

Tsugumi couldn’t keep herself from smiling wide as her friends’ faces lit up with the promise of a new performance. Himari and Tomoe teased each other back and forth. Moca’s peaceful lazy smile sat comfortably on her face once more. And Ran mumbled something out of hearing range.

“Oh~ what was that about Roselia~?” Moca nudged Ran’s shoulder with her forehead.

The singer rolled her eyes fondly, “We should ask Roselia too.”

“Hey Roselia,” Moca leaned around the edge of their booth. “What do you guys think?”

Tsugumi finally looked over the top of their booth to their neighboring seats where Sayo Hikawa was staring directly at her. Invisibility would be the perfect super power. Tsugumi was just never going to stop making a fool of herself without it.

At least Tsugumi wasn’t the only embarrassed one.Ran turned tomato red and scrambled over Moca and out of the booth, trying to look as cool as manageable. The rest of Afterglow followed Ran and formed a triangle in the middle of the aisle with Ran at the point. Roselia stepped from their booth as well, matching Afterglow’s shape. Yukina Minato folded her arms almost delicately across her chest accenting her serious, if not arrogant in a way that was earned, expression.

Separately they were a friendly senpai, a moody senpai, the nice piano prodigy from Hanasakigawa, Tomoe’s little sister, and Tsugumi’s kind friend. Together they were an intimidatingly hot group of girl band Goddesses who seemed they could strike you blind if you so much as looked at them. Flanked by her lieutenants Yukina looked ready to win any musical war while Afterglow looked ready to win a musical parking lot brawl. Even if the two bands had been on friendly terms since last year, and Ran had lightened up about Yukina’s perceived insults, they still kind of terrified Tsugumi as a unit.

Ran broke the stand off. “You heard.”

“We did,” Yukina looked them over from top to bottom. Did she like what she saw? “Roselia already has a live this month.”

“Good thing ours will be next month,” Yukina was the only person outside of Afterglow who could bring out the full extent of Ran’s sass.

“The shows are too close.”

“We’ll make it exactly one month after your show. So Roselia has plenty of time to _rest_ ,” Ran smirked.

Every peacemaking bone in Tsugumi’s body demanded she jump in. She could tell Yukina was interested but not convinced and that Ran was too hyped up on the possibility of another match with Roselia to go on without them. What could get Roselia to agree? They liked a challenge same as Ran. Tsugumi thought over their earlier conversation and let an idea half formed in her head emerge from her lips.

“What if it’s a cover swap live?”

Tsugumi felt the weight of nine pairs of eyes on her, none heavier than Yukina’s narrowing eyes. “Explain.”

With an even voice that surprised herself, Tsugumi invented something new as she spoke, “Each band in the show will cover another participating band’s song as part of their set.”

There was a pause between the two equally surprised bands. All the courage fled out of Tsugumi, replaced with the certainty she had just messed up in front of not just her band but also their greatest rival. She held her hands together to keep them from trembling.

And then the corner of Yukina’s mouth twitched up.

Ako and Tomoe exchanged identical excited grins from across the groups. Himari let out a small “phew.” Lisa looked back at Rinko with an all good thumbs up and a wink. And without missing a beat Ran jerked her head upwards. “That’s right.”

Yukina scanned the respectably motley crew in front of her band. She glanced back briefly at Lisa and Sayo, maybe looking for their approval or maybe declaring that she didn’t need it. And with a small turn of her head, Yukina answered Afterglow’s challenge, “Roselia will play your show—”

Everyone surrounding Ran Mitake relaxed. Ran, arms still folded protectively, did not.

“—on two conditions.” Yukina held a finger out against her torso. “One. You must acquire a venue by the end of the weekend. Roselia does not play maybe shows. And two,” a second finger snapped out. “Afterglow will play our song. We will not allow any band but our rival to imitate our sound.”

Ran’s face broke into a wild, toothy half grin. All eyes turned towards her. Except Sayo still watched Tsugumi with a curious smile. And Moca watched Sayo in return and in Tsugumi’s stead. But there wasn’t time to think about it as Ran growled:

“We won’t imitate you. We’ll bury you.”

* * *

It wasn’t until she was alone in her room that night that Tsugumi realized just how much work had she created for herself. Live shows were an infinite web of logistics and live shows with other bands were infinities just that bigger.

Tsugumi collapsed on her bed, pulling her favorite keyboard pillow to her chest and curling up around it. One thing at a time. Tomoe promised to talk to the other bands about joining in and Himari swore the second her match was done she’d throw herself totally into planning, so all Tsugumi really had to do was the absolute hardest part of any show: get a venue. By the end of the weekend.

The weekend! Tsugumi dove for her phone. The good thing about all the excitement was she’d managed to completely and totally forget the other thing that had been giving her a stomach ache. Technically they’d made a plan to make a plan and Hina hadn’t even reached out since then. Of course, knowing Hina it was totally possible she planned on winging it on Saturday anyway. It wouldn’t be romantic but…

Tsugumi didn’t know if she wanted it to be a date anyway.

She typed out a message:

**Senpai! Would you mind if we looked at concert venues this weekend?**

Then, Tsugumi dragged her exhausted body out of bed and to her desk where a pile of leftover student council work and song writing books waited for her. She shook the dizziness from her eyes. Planning a concert, writing a love song, learning a new song, keeping up with her homework and council work? She could do it all. She just had to work harder. She could always work harder.

Her phone buzzed. Hina had sent one word in response. Tsugumi could do it all, she’d just have to be what Hina said:

**Boppin** **!**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The slow burn tag is not for Hina. 
> 
> I still don't know how I feel about just using the word "live" to mean a concert or a show but if I think of it like some specific hip teen slang I like it a lot.
> 
> Thank you for all your wonderful comments! Even if I don't respond directly please know that I appreciate them more than I can ever express. It means so much to have you all along for this ride.


	4. A Snowflake Distinct Among Snowflakes

When Sayo first saw The Great Buddha of Kamakura, a giant of oxidized bronze meditating on his stone pedestal, she clapped her hands together and bowed in a reverent imitation her parents at a shrine. Never mind that those had been Shinto shrines and this was a Buddhist statue, it was the inclination towards piety that was memorable.

Hina just laughed.

Sayo assumed she was the target of ridicule, she always did even at age seven, but it wasn’t her, it was never her. It was the Amida Buddha himself

Who knew Buddha was such a slacker?

The Big Buddha sat out in the center of his courtyard at the Kotoku-In temple with hunched shoulders and a jutting head. If Hina sat like that she’d get scolded but maybe no one had the nerve to scold Buddha? There was a lackadaisical quality to the way he sat. Even if no one else seemed to notice, Hina knew his eyes weren’t closed in meditation. Buddha was napping on the job.

Hina was not destined to become a devote Buddhist but she did like the statue. He’d had a house once, seven hundred years ago, but a tsunami wiped it away and the monks must have decided he wanted to go star gazing because they never built it back. She could respect that. The statue hadn’t even budged. The great Kanto earthquake had broken his base but the statue only shifted sixty centimeters. Nothing could wake him from his nap.

When her laughter finally ended all young Hina wanted to do was try to knock him down.

With the same light in her eyes as when she spied a block tower someone else had built, Hina told her sister, “I wanna push it over.”

“You can’t,” Sayo said while holding tight enough to Hina’s hand to keep her younger twin in place.

“But I’m super strong.” To prove it Hina tugged on their connected hands with her monkey strength.

Sayo stumbled but she didn’t let go and she didn’t fall. She just shook her head and sighed as she would many, many times in the future. “No matter how hard you push it’ll never fall down.”

Hina never really took impossibility seriously. But even if knocking over a world heritage site was out of the question (for now), she’d taken Sayo’s words to heart.

Years later Hina would learn that in Buddhism it’s believed that everyone has a Buddha nature, that with discipline and teaching that luminous mind could burst out. Hina didn’t know about that but she’d come to believe everyone had a Big Buddha nature and some were made of colored blocks and some were made of bronze. Blocks were easy to knock down and fun to rebuild. But someone made of fifty tons of bronze? No matter how hard you pushed, you’d never move them far.

But, man, Hina loved trying anyway.

“Hina, would you like to participate in the meeting?”

The teal haired, green eyed sort of guitarist jumped out of her mind and into the real world with a series of slow, indulgent blinks around the room. There her friends were, sitting around a boring colorless conference table in a boring colorless conference room that didn’t even have any weird corporate friendly commercial art she could laugh at. It was the sort of room that just made the cotton candy colored hair of the members of Pastel Palette stand out that much more.

Was that why they hired Hina? Yeah, her guitar was boppin’ as heck but were they really just looking for same shades of different colors to stick in a band? No, wait. Maya’s hair was brown. Hina rolled the idea around her head. It _was_ light brown. That was kind of the same.

“Are you here?”

Right. The meeting. The members of her band stared back at Hina, no one more so than Chisato, with her eyes narrowed in a look that both was and wasn’t a glare and her questions that weren’t really questions.

“Present,” Hina winked at her blonde companion. She turned her gaze to the frazzled staffer briefing them at the head of the table. “TV special sounds great.”

Hina was paying attention, just not _full_ attention. A staff meeting deserved about a quarter of her focus. She let the other seventy five percent of her brain drift away as the staffer transitioned into discussing some event they had to do. Mostly events were exciting, an unexpected perk of this idol whim Hina was still kicking on, but the planning wasn’t. She had more important things to think about. Like paint drying.

Actually, there were a lot of interesting things about drying paint. Like how different paints dry in different ways. Some are so thick they bury the texture of whatever they cover and some don’t even show up when they dry! Sometimes you just take a little paint on the edge of the bristles and just brush, brush, brushie brush until the barest pigment hits the canvas and—

“Your call time this Saturday will be 9:00AM.”

The twenty five percent of Hina still playing attention snapped in charge. “I won’t be there. I have a date.”

There was a usual rhythm to Pastel Palette’s reactions to ‘Hina says anything’. Aya always immediately defaulted to shock, panic, and, if the thing was about her, hilarious embarrassment. Maya was already resigned to whatever new direction Hina was going to drag them into and Eve was typically ready to follow Hina down the rabbit hole. As for Chisato, she would carefully keep herself reserved as she selected a reaction from her preprogrammed Robo-Chisato choices. They never disappointed. The staffer had no such default and instead looked for guidance from each member. She found no solace, only Aya’s stuttering attempt at reason.

“H-Hina-chan,” Aya tried, “You can’t go on a date.”

Hina laughed, what a weird thing to say. Very Aya. She was the most block-built Big Buddha Hina knew. “Of course I can.”

“But you’re an idol?” She desperately looked for one of the others to relieve her of explain to Hina duty. “You can’t be seen… I mean… you can’t just go out with.” Aya tried to shrug in a casual ‘you know’ way. But Hina didn’t know, so it was totally and completely useless. Just like Aya. But in a good way! Unlike her explanation which was very bad.

“Heh heh.”

“Hina-chan!” The pink idol waved her hands in the air like she was juggling a set of invisible pins. Hina chased the image, there was no way Aya could ever learn to juggle but it would be so fun to watch her try.

“You’re not supposed to go out with a guy.”

“Oh, no problem.”

Aya looked relieved for approximately three fourths of a second before—

“It’s with Tsugu-chan.”

Hina didn’t know why but, no matter how many times she saw it, Aya’s raw panic never failed to be entertaining. The invisible pins clattered to the ground as Aya’s hands stilled and her eyes grew wide and confused like the words hadn’t quite processed in her mind. “L-like a hang out?”

“No, like a date.”

It just wasn’t clicking for Aya. The gears in her head were spinning so fast their spokes were probably snapping. Hina was about to say something, probably make it much worse (and more fun) when Chisato laid a hand on Aya’s shoulder and looked over at Hina with the serene look of an angel prepared to smite her down.

“Hina-chan, shall we talk outside?” Another questionless question. It was fine, Chisato was never boring either. Hina would follow her to the ends of the Earth just to see what would happen.

Hina bounced out of the room with a wink and a grin. The last thing she saw was that unlucky staffer trying to figure out just where things went wrong with her simple meeting.

Chisato led Hina down the hall and around the corner to a little alcove where the aging vending machine hummed with blue-yellow light. If the puffy hair on idol plastered to the side was anything to go on, the bulky machine had definitely been installed when the building first opened in the ‘80s and no one had ever bothered to change it. Who was she? Did she know teenage idols nearly forty years later would hide out under her thousand yen smile? Aya would definitely know who this woman was. Chisato probably did too but she’d never tell unless Hina asked.

The guitarist idol slumped down against the wall until her legs were splayed out across the beige—was it always beige or recently beige—carpet. Before she could ask her blonde companion about their mystery ancestor in fading plastic, Chisato slipped two coins into the machine followed by a warm can into Hina’s hand. The taste was gross, probably from the ‘80s too. But Hina drank the whole thing as Chisato delicately lowered herself to the floor like she was sitting on a picnic blanket and this was a normal place to hang.

The lecture would begin soon. Hina almost vibrated with anticipation. Chisato was made up of ‘no’s and ‘can’t’s. She was functionally Tsugumi’s opposite. Tsugumi took every one of Hina’s whims like a challenge to be interpreted. Chisato always looked for a way to twist Hina around until her thoughts were Chisato’s thoughts. But that was what made Chisato fun.

“I can come up with some reason we don’t need you on Saturday.”

Hina’s ears perked. Always a surprise that Chisato Shirasagi. “Why?”

The actress sipped her coffee, “Do I need a reason to do a friend a favor?”

“Do you?” Hina asked with innocent curiosity.

Chisato ignored the question, “You need to be careful, if you’re going to date someone that is. You’ll need to be very careful.”

It was a lecture, just a different one than expected. Hina waited for Chisato to continue. She sounded a little like Sayo, only Chisato never let her smile twitch, no matter the topic.

“We need to be considerate of our fans,” Chisato said in the even tone of voice Hina had come to suspect meant the opposite of consideration. “They have a certain image of use, and we mustn’t destroy that image.”

Hina nodded, “So that’s why you and Kaoru-kun are so sneaky.”

Chisato hiccuped on her coffee, nearly imperceptibly. The smile remained. “How did you…?”

“No one ever realizes the Astronomy club is right next to the empty classrooms.”

Chisato looked deeply into her can of coffee, “Yes. That is why _I_ tried to be stealthy.”

“I won’t tell~,” Hina waved the idea away, “I think it’s great! Kaoru-kun’s all BaZING floosh and you’re, ya know, a good ‘ol baDAbum.”

“Thank you Hina, it’s a mutually beneficial arrangement.” The very height of romance. “So… Tsugumi-san? Eve-chan’s coworker?”

“MY vice president!”

“She seems like a lovely girl. Be careful with her.” Chisato’s eyes wandered off to look at something Hina couldn’t see. “Hina?”

“Yeah?”

The entertainment industry veteran began to rattle off long list of dating do nots. Hina granted Chisato about ten percent of her attention, enough keep from completely drifting off but not enough to keep her eyes off that peeling idol on vending machine. The girl in the picture had to be over fifty now. Did she have to think about this too? There were so many weird things about being an idol. Dating didn’t need to be this complex. If you liked someone you told them and you went out. It’d always been that easy for Hina. But now there were all these rules and—well, what did it matter? Someday Hina would slip off the idol life as easily as she had put it on.

Chisato stopped talking. The part of her brain she’d dedicated to her friend snapped Hina back into focus. Hina could almost see the heavenly glow around Chisato. Chisato was a Buddha through and through made of cracking stone instead of bronze. Or maybe it was just the fading neon light from the vending machine.

With Hina’s attention regained Chisato spoke again. “Just remember that you asked for this and she didn’t.” Then with a practiced rise she smoothed her dress and stood, “And at the very least, please wear a disguise.”

* * *

It was definitely not a date. That was where Tsugumi had finally landed after a week’s worth of lying awake at night reviewing every single interaction she’d ever had with the green eyed devil of Haneoka (Moca’s phrasing, not hers). Himari continued to adamantly disagree in several paragraph long texts (written with more effort than most of her homework) but she was a romantic at heart and it just wasn’t the kind of thing that actually happened. Tsugumi only wished she’d had the courage to tell the others. Moca had been unusually quiet about the prime teasing material she had been handed which was, frankly, unnerving and it’d never been the right time to tell Tomoe and Ran, and they’d probably try to fight Hina or something crazy and—

None of it even mattered because there was nothing romantic going on.

Tsugumi was simply standing out in front of the train station in an evergreen dress that accented the parts of her that Himari called the ‘gotcha’ zones with her cutest hair clip holding back her bangs and scanning the crowd for her platonic pal. After all, it would be pretty awful if it did turn out to be a date and she wasn’t prepared—not that it was a date but if it was a date…

“Hey! Tsugu-chan!”

Tsugumi’s stomach lurched a little at the familiar voice. She knew there was no reason to be nervous but her stomach refused to listen.

She turned to what could be described as ‘probably Hina’.

The person waving in front of Tsugumi was Hina’s height, she had Hina’s slim and casually fit build, and she even bounced as she walked like Hina did but what did she do with her hair? Her usual trim, flippy short cut had been exchanged for a long and stringy teal wig, like a knock off of Sayo’s scalp plastered over Hina’s head. Over the wig was a baseball cap dragged just down over probable Hina’s eyes or at least the pair of large oval sunglasses covering them. On the bottom of her face was a surgical mask and she had even popped the collar of her denim jacket so the tips poked up around her ears. In short: the person in front of Tsugumi was the image of suspicion.

And definitely not about to go on a romantic rendezvous. One point to ‘not a date’.

“Hina-senpai?” Tsugumi couldn’t make out Hina’s eyes under the thick lenses but she knew they were lighting up.

…one point to ‘date’.

Hina muttered something muffled along the lines of “wugu-wan”. Mercifully, she pulled the mask to the side and peeked over the glasses to wink, “Tsugu-chan, I’m in disguise!”

That kind of explained it. “Who are you in disguise… from?”

“Hmm, I’m not actually sure. The press? My crazed fans? Chisato-chan didn’t say.”

“You stand out a lot like this though,” Tsugumi rubbed the end of cheap wig in between her fingers. “Does Sayo-san know you have this?”

“Heh, heh. Nah, I keep it for when I wanna sneak around before shows. Sometimes people think I’m sis!”

It was a little incredible how little Hina and Sayo looked alike to Tsugumi. It was true they had the same color hair and eyes, their faces were shaped the same and they had identical dimples in their cheeks when they smiled but even with the wig, especially with the wig, Tsugumi couldn’t imagine mixing them up. “Maybe you can go without the wig?”

“It’s kinda anti boppin’ huh?” Hina lifted up the hat.

“Noppib, maybe?” Tsugumi peeled the wig off her senpai’s head, taking care to keep it from getting tangled before Hina shoved it carelessly into her bag.

Hina thought the phrase over, “Not quite, but it’s in the family.” Her sea-green hair was a mess underneath the wig. A rogue cowlick threatened to take over Hina’s head from the top. Without thinking Tsugumi reached up and smoothed the rebellious hair down to base of Hina’s head. With practiced hands she continued smoothing over the crown like she would if Moca or Tomoe came to practice with a mess on their head.

Tsugumi realized she wasn’t fixing Moca or Tomoe’s hair when Hina made deep pleased noise, almost like a cat’s purr. It was a good thing they weren’t on a date or Tsugumi would have had to be terribly embarrassed. She tried to distract herself by fixing the rest of Hina’s ensemble. She pulled away the sunglasses and folded down the collar with hands used to messy friends. “There you are.” She murmured fondly as Hina returned to an approximation of herself.

People were starting to stare. Tsugumi thought, at first, it was surely her imagination but sure enough a small handful of people were turning and whispering and if she strained her ears she could hear them say things like “Pastel Palettes” and “the crazy good guitarist”. Or maybe it was just “the crazy guitarist”? Two girls even began to hesitatingly approach them.

“Excuse me? Are you Hina Hikawa?” One of them asked.

Tsugumi looked between the girls and Hina, “If you want to go talk to them senpai, it’s okay.”

Hina looked at Tsugumi curiously. Then she took a step forward, grabbed Tsugumi firmly by the shoulder, whirled her vice president around and wrapped her arm around Tsugumi’s slim shoulders from the back. With Hina’s firm forearm held tense across Tsugumi’s chest and her breath just tickling the inside of her neck Hina called out, “Sorry, no autographs today. I’m on a date.”

And add one million points to ‘actually a date’.

* * *

Tsugumi had assumed finding a venue that wasn’t booked through the next month was a herculean task when she agreed to it, but she hadn’t realized it was actually impossible. Galaxy and CiRCLE were, of course, booked solid (though Marina promised out of pity to keep her posted if things changed), the smaller venues like Nebula and Dot were full too and the shopping district event planning committee didn’t have any upcoming events that needed bands of exceptionally plucky girls to liven things up.

But at least Hina was a cheerfully supportive partner. If Tsugumi had been alone she’d surely have been discouraged after the second, third or seventh rejection but Hina just asked where the next place on the list was and moved them on. Though she did drag Tsugumi in the wrong direction a few times. Tsugumi was relieved to learn Hina had at least one weakness: the practically perfect girl couldn’t read a map.

Unfortunately, by the end of Tsugumi’s list not a single venue had panned out. Or even come close to it. But in the tiniest scrap of good fortune, the pair had found themselves in front of a charming new coffee shop Tsugumi had been dying to try. If stopping by couldn’t be a reward for a job well done, it might as well be a consolation prize.

The cafe was a bit smaller than Hazawa Coffee. Tsugumi noticed the newer independent shops tended to have less tables and smaller menus to better suit customers in a hurry. Yet this one utilized its size to create a cozy atmosphere with warm lighting accenting wood paneling along the wall. The counter waited at the head of the room, the small kitchen exposed behind it and only a glass case for pastries by the register manned by a chipper girl their age.

Tsugumi fretted over the menu, completely unable to decide between trying their drip coffee to compare to her own blend and a mocha because she liked it best. Hina winked and pointed at Tsugumi’s forehead before shooing her off to find a table. There was something very appealing in the way Hina insisted she would pay for Tsugumi’s drink with a forceful kindness that ended any possible objections before they could be voiced.

As she slid into a little half booth, comfortable maroon cloth cushion on the seat, Tsugumi couldn’t help but look over at her date. Hina owned all the space her body occupied. Tsugumi was sure she’d never known someone so comfortable in their own skin. Her shoulders slide back as glanced up at the menu and forward as she leaned in to place their order, saying something clever that made the cashier giggle. She was always in motion. Even as Hina retreated to the wall, one leg bent against the wall and her hands fiddling with her phone, she twitched and hummed with an urgency only a genius could understand.

Hina’s lips curved into pleased smirk. Briefly, Tsugumi assumed the source was something on her phone but Hina’s iris darted to the corner of her eye and Tsugumi realized she wasn’t a terribly subtle person. But the part-time idol approached with drinks settled into a cardboard carrier before Tsugumi could unpack the nervous blush the colored her face.

“One for you,” Hina set a steaming mug of mocha down in front of Tsugumi, “One for me.” She placed a tall glass of iced coffee on her side, “and another for you.” A second mug joined the first.  
“Senpai?”

“You couldn’t decide right? So I got you both. Total win!”

Tsugumi looked between the two mugs, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” Hina laughed.

“Let me pay for one of these at least,” Tsugumi reached into her purse to find her wallet but before she could pull anything out a strong hand clasped around her wrist. Hina leaned over the table, hovering closer to Tsugumi’s face than was comfortable given the circumstance.

 _Do you not want to kiss Hina-senpai?_ Himari’s words echoed in Tsugumi’s ears. The reverse was the real question, wasn’t it? _Do you want to kiss Hina?_ Well, did she? Tsugumi had focused so much on convincing herself that the thing she was doing wasn’t a date and then she focused on looking for a venue, but now the distractions were gone and only Hina’s unblinking green-gold eyes and the grinning curve of her lips remained.

“I’ve got it,” Hina’s voice sounded lower at close proximity. That was ridiculous, she’d been that close before and her voice didn’t sound so appealing then. Not appealing, just Hina.

“O-Okay,” Tsugumi stuttered out, rubbing her suddenly cold wrist as the warmth of Hina’s hand retreated. She busied herself with one the cute chipped blue mug the drip coffee had been poured into. The mismatched mugs made sense for the intimate coffee shop. It added to the homeliness, plus if the owner’s family was anything like her own they probably got mugs from all their friends and relatives every holiday.

Tsugumi breathed in deep over her drink. The scent cut straight through her nostrils and filled her senses with the wonderful earthy scent that only came from freshly ground coffee stewed to perfection. Later she would add milk and sugar to her liking but for the first sip the barista resolved to keep things pure. She sipped. The coffee was smooth, not bitter. Her instincts had been right, this place knew coffee. Adding just half a spoon of sugar and a dash of milk would make it the perfect cup for her palette.

“Woah, you’re like a sommelier,” Hina said with admiration.

“I’m a barista,” Tsugumi puffed with pride as she sipped her second drink. The mocha was excellent as prepared. “I like to see how other shops do things.” She spooned a touch of sugar into her other mug, “how they decorate, how they prepare their coffee. I know it’s a little weird—”

“Why is that weird?” Hina laughed innocently.

“Well, I’m already at a coffee shop everyday,” Tsugumi poured milk into her drink with a quick flick down and up of her wrist. “And then I go to another one on my day off.”

Hina shrugged. “It’s what you like right? Aya’s super into idol stuff—like I found a bunch of stuff hidden under her bed—and she’s an idol.”

Tsugumi smiled into her coffee. There was no such thing as shame around Hina Hikawa.

Hina reached for the coffee accoutrements. She smothered the dark liquid in cream and sugar until it was just a few shades darker than beige.

You and Sayo-san really are opposites.”

“We’re not!” Hina protested, tasting her drink and deciding it needed more sugar.

“Not in the ways that matter. You’re both kind and reliable but,” Tsugumi sipped her mocha. “Sayo-san drinks her coffee black.”

“Sis does?!” The younger Hikawa looked down at her pale beverage and back at the counter with hesitation.

“Normally two or three cups while she works at the cafe.”

“Aw man,” Hina slumped in her chair. “She’s so cool. I wanna see her all super zappin’ cool with an espresso in one hand and like… a croissant in the other one.”

“A croissant?”

“Yeah! It’s so sophisticated!”

“It sounds very French?” Tsugumi offered.

“Yes. Sis would be SO COOL in France,” Hina buzzed with a specific ‘Sayo Frequency’ she usually reserved for Hanasakigawa crossover festivals. “Her English is pretty good I bet she could learn French real fast.”

“I don’t think it works like that senpai.” But Tsugumi imagined it nonetheless.

 _Je m’appelle la bibliothèque._ The Sayo in Tsugumi’s mind whispered as she raised her espresso in one hand and her baguette in the other, while twirling her pencil mustache with a third arm and raising her black beret with the fourth. _Hon hon Baguette._ Tsugumi stifled her laughter before it could burst out.

“Sis would love this place,” Hina glanced around. “It’s no France but it’s pretty cool.”

“Does Sayo-san actually like France?”

“It could use some music though.”

“France?” Tsugumi struggled to follow.

“This place! It needs like like a big old grand piano right there!” She pointed at the counter.  
“I think that would cause problems for the business.”

Hina’s brow furrowed, “Maybe something smaller.”

Tsugumi looked around, her brain already jumping at the chance to solve a problem that didn’t really exist. She stopped at the window, slightly recessed away from the rest of the building. “You could do it there.” Tsugumi pointed to the window, “there’s enough space for a keyboard and probably a guitarist. You could kill a couple of tables in front to add more, but that would cut into costs a lot. So it’s probably best to only have soloists or duos only.”

“True true,” Hina rubbed her chin, “But we could probably fit a whole band in Hazawa Coffee.” “Except we don’t have any sound proofing,” Tsugumi cut Hina’s idea off before she got too excited. It was sweet she was thinking about Tsugumi’s problem though. “Plus there’s no stage and the power drain from the amps would probably cause a short.” Tsugumi sighed, “Every where that specializes in music is booked up. We need some place that loves music an awful lot—”

“Tsugu-chan!” Inspiration hammered Hina’s fists onto the table. “I know where you can go!” She jumped up, once again leaning into Tsugumi’s face.

“Y-You do?!” It took everything in Tsugumi’s tiny body to not pull away but she wanted to hold her ground.

“I know a place!” With her face lodged in a smile Hina ran out the door, leaving Tsugumi and her iced coffee behind. … did she want Tsugumi to follow?

* * *

Hina absolutely wanted Tsugumi to follow. She returned in confusion a few minutes later, waving for her to come out even though Tsugumi still had two halves of drinks to finish and Hina had barely touched her milk with a drop of coffee. The girl at the counter kindly poured them into to-go cups (Tsugumi finally abandoned one)before Tsugumi darted after the president who was already wandering down the street again.

They turned through twisting streets and squeezed through narrow alleys without rhyme or reason. An itch at the back of Tsugumi’s head wondered if they were actually lost but when she voiced that concern Hina insisted they were going to a place you could only find if you had no idea where you were going. That didn’t do much to assuage Tsugumi’s worries but she’d long accepted that she just had to trust in Hina. Things just worked out for the human star.

Every few blocks Hina would pause at a shop sign, or a mailbox or a particularly lazy street cat and use it to reorient herself before bounding off in her new direction with Tsugumi and their caffeinated beverages at her heels. Did Hina know Tsugumi would need the extra energy when she bought her two coffees? Tsugumi pushed the conspiracy aside, Hina didn’t have the foresight. They ran on.

After fifteen minutes more of jogging and turning Hina finally slowed to a stop in front of the squished space between two buildings. Tsugumi skid beside her. With dramatic flare Hina ushered Tsugumi towards the dark stairwell. It was a bar. A basement bar with a hand carved sign made out of a smoothed and lacquered plank of wood above the stairs reading: Rockabilly Rondo.

Tsugumi quickly made sure there was no one on the street to witness two high school students sneaking into a bar. Correction, to witness the Student Council President and Vice President of Haneoka boldly striding into a bar. As Hina skipped down the stairs, tired of waiting for Tsugumi to make up her mind, Tsugumi gathered her courage and dove in behind her.

Ringadingding!

“Welco—” The greeting started with the ringing bell above door but quickly devolved into a sneer, “Eh? You again?”

There was… a lot going on in the bar. It was comparable in size to Hazawa Coffee, with a bar along the left and a wide open floor filled with mismatched tables and rickety chairs. Two vaguely familiar woman sat drinking at one of them. On the far side, across from the door was modest stage, smaller than the ones Tsugumi was used to. Instruments were already set up, a full drum kit, a rocket red electric guitar held on a stand by the neck, a standing bass leaned against the wall and a studio piano tucked to the side. That was the normal part of the establishment. But what caught Tsugumi’s eye, and then caught it again and again was that not a single centimeter of the walls were visible.

It looked like someone’s junk filled closet had exploded onto glue soaked walls. First, there were posters, mostly of old American movies starring smooth looking American men in popped collars riding motorcycles. ‘Rebel Without a Cause’. ‘The Great Escape’. ‘Easy Rider’. ‘Wild Hog’. ‘The Wild Angels’. Each one was well loved with the tell tale dog ears and folds of a poster that had pasted over a dozen different walls over twice as many years. There were vinyl album covers, more cool guy American men in sunglasses andJapanese men with perfectly coifed pompadours. Oddly, a few CD jewel cases were mixed in too, a few were halfway open revealing the silver discs still inside.

Mixed in between the posters and the albums were metal plates just a bit bigger than a license plate, advertising various bits of random Americana. The signs urged onlookers to buy soda pop, visit gas stations, try out five different beers, drink orange juice, sipcanned coffee, and other products that were certainly not common in Japan. At least one sign was just the street sign from sidewalk outside pried off with a pliers and surrounded by a license plate from each of the fifty united states, probably also pried by hand. Rhinestones of every color had been jammed in to all the spaces between signs and posters and where the rhinestones wouldn’t fit someone had slapped on a ripped off label for Cool Grease pomade.

The pièce de résistance was the ceiling. It was a mirror built of hubcaps of every imaginable shape and size. As Tsugumi walked into the room a hundred distorted Tsugumi’s looked down on her. Her mind boggled trying to comprehend the situation she had walked into. Was this a Yakuza bar? A biker bar? Did Hina know bikers? Was Hina a biker? None of thosepossibilities seemed outrageous.

Hina certainly seemed comfortable enough in the place but Hina would be comfortable on the moon. She bounced to the scowling man at the bar without a hint of worry. “Hey Gramps! I’m back!”

Gramps? Could this be the Hikawa patriarch?

The man behind the bar was a short older man with the raw confidence of a much taller and younger one. The hair on top of his head had retreated to the back where it was tied up in a short but determined pony tail. He only wore a white wife beater with a leather vest two sizes too big thrown over it and a pair of leather pants that had probably fit better two decades ago.

He was definitely not the Hikawa patriarch.

“Hina,” The man’s voice rolled in his throat, “If you’re going to come, you better bring Maya-chan with you.”

“I brought Tsugu-chan!” Hina said as if Tsugumi was a known commodity in these parts.

“Can I put Tsugu-chan’s hair in a pompadour?”

Tsugumi shook her head. “I actually promised someone I’d never wear one.” Ran had very odd and very specific dreams. The one where Tsugumi started slicking back her hair and wearing leather may not have been the weirdest but it had been the most traumatic.

“Then what’s the point!”

Tsugumi tugged on Hina’s sleeve nervously, “Senpai, how did you find this place?”

“Maya-chan brought me here! She likes to jam out.”

“Please don’t let Sho scare you off,” an older gentleman near them at the bar lifted up his beer in greeting. Unlike ‘Sho’ he was a distinguished man. He reminded Tsugumi of her grandfather, she could imagine him running a coffee shop. “It’s good to see young people interested.”

Tsugumi looked between the three in confusion and finallyasked, “I’m sorry but what kind of place is this?”

Sho dropped the glass he was cleaning. It shattered on the ground. He didn’t seem to notice. His mouth gaped like a fish.

Hina jumped in before he could say anything, “It’s a rockabilly bar!”

“Rockabilly?”

BAM!

The old man slammed the wall, shaking the many hanging knickknacks. He jabbed an angry finger at a black velvet portrait in a place of honor in the center of the bar wall depicting an American in a leather jacket with dark hair coiffed in a short pompadour. “Elvis! Do you know him?”

“I-I think I’ve heard of him?”

He huffed sharply out his nose and flipped to Hina, “You bring this sorta novice into my bar.”

“Yup,” Hina nodded, “We need to borrow the place for a concert.”

“No,” Sho turned around, crossing his arms. He shoes crunched the broken glass.

“Aw come on it’ll be lots of fun! We’ll bring in loads of customers.”

“Customers who can’t DRINK!”

“You can serve juice!”

“This is a rockabilly bar! Rockabilly spirit only!”

The man at the bar sighed, “Elvis is hardly rockabilly anyway.”

“You take your blasphemy out of my bar, Eiji!”

“It’s actually _my_ bar. And I don’t mind hearing Hikawa-san and her friend out.”

Tsugumi’s head whipped back and forth between the three of them so much she felt her eyes spin. Still, it was kind of a cool place, in kitschy sort of way. If they were able to put on the show here certainly no one would ever forget it. “It’s a kind of battle of the bands,” Tsugumi explained. “Four of the best girl bands playing each other’s songs! The winner takes it all!” Whatever ‘all’ was.

Sho eyed Hina suspiciously, “Is the _idol_ group going to be there?” He spat ‘idol’ out like poison.

Hina only laughed, “Nah, we’re not allowed. The man amiright?”

“Tch.” He spat on the ground. “The man sucks.” A solidarity seemed to be reached. “Golden age of girl bands and not a single rockabilly group. Hey Chiyo!” He called out to the familiar women at the corner table, “Your group still play?”

The women stiffed and ducked behind their menus. “N-nope!”

“What’s up with them?” Sho shrugged.

“What do you think Sho? Shall we let use our space?” Eiji winked in Hina and Tsugumi’s direction.

Sho’s bluster had nearly faded but he had just a bit of fire left. He pointed at Hina, “I’ll let ‘em in. If and only if!” His finger shifted to Tsugumi, “This one has the Rockabilly spirit!”

“You got it!” Hina agreed in Tsugumi’s place.

“Wait, what?” Before Tsugumi could question it further Hina dragged her towards the stage.

“Oi!” Sho yelled across the room, “Chiyo! Sakaki! Give these girls a hand.”

The women stood with rigid, robotic movements and slowly turned towards them, slipping on sunglasses as they did. Oh. Suddenly, Tsugumi knew where she’d seen those two before. Normally they were lurking behind a pillar, or sneaking around in the background with a third person but there was no doubt in Tsugumi’s mind. Even with their hair slicked back and their suits traded for leather jackets…

“Aren’t you Kokoro-chan’s bodyguards?”

The two women went red, “Uh… um…”

Hina perked up, “Oh yeah! Wait, where’s the other one?”

The taller woman with long hair—Sakaki probably—sighed, “All three of us can’t take the same day off...”

“We used to be a rock ‘n roll trio, but now we never have time for practice…” The smaller woman—Chiyo—with short hair slicked into a mini pompadour clenched her fist in despair.

“Kokoro-sama’s father saw us playing once and thought we looked so cool and tough that we must be professional bodyguards. He didn’t listen when we told him we were just office ladies with a hobby.”

“That was five years ago… the things we’ve done for them…”

“Chiyo,” Sho called from the bar, “your high paying job is a real pity, but can you still rock?”

“What kind of question is that?!” Chiyo’s personality completely flipped. “OF COURSE I CAN ROCK.”

“Leave it to us, Kokoro-sama’s friends.” Sakaki nodded solemnly and wandered over to settle behind the drum kit as her smaller companion picked up the standing bass.

Hina pulled Tsugumi onto the stage with her crazy strength. Tsugumi stumbled but Hina settled her with a steady hand on her waist.

“It’ll be boppin, I promise!” She pulled away, leaving Tsugumi’s heart thumping.

“Hina-senpai,” Tsugumi whispered as Hina strung the red guitar around her neck, “I don’t know what rockabilly is.”

“It’s got a real simple rhythm! Just follow my lead.” Hina rocked back and forth to the rocking chair rhythm of her next phrase, “Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock!” She snapped on ‘rock’, pointing to Tsugumi.

“R-rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, rock?”

“You got it! Then you add a little Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly roll, Roll!” Hina’s feet twisted in and out, her body shuffling side to side across the stage.

“O-okay!” Tsugumi tried to copy the move, “Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly roll, Roll.”

“Heh, you don’t have to do the dance you’ll be at the piano,” Hina winked. “But that’s all there is to it!”

Tsugumi sincerely doubted that was all there was to it. But before she could argue she was seated at the piano as Hina unleashed on the guitar.

The guitarist began to pick a tune out on the steel strings. The notes warbled back and forth in the small space and began to pick up tempo and fall into a pattern. It was like a musical version of the sound of a car engine revving up and humming.

Bumbadumbabumbadumbabumbadumba.

Hina was waiting at the starting line for the pistol to go off.

Pastel*Palettes did not hurt for recorded concerts, Tsugumi had watched several perched on her couch soaking in the wonder of actually knowing people on the other side of the screen. They were good, as good as that sort of corporate controlled group could be, but Hina always seemed a little held back. Like there was a collar around her neck keeping her chained to the stage. And she was happy and excited and having a blast but she waiting, waiting for someone to rip the thing off and let her loose.

Right now, Hina was not playing like a member of Pastel*Palettes.

Hina was playing like a rock star. Swaying with the excitement of the jamming groove inside her ready to burst out like a rocket.

The drums started to tch-tch-tap in behind the guitar, picking up the rhythm Hina was starting as the bass started to walk around the scale. The bassist’s hand slapping over and over against the strings.

Up and up and up and up and down and down and down and down and up and up and up and up and down and down and down and down.

And all of the sudden, the music made sense. Rockabilly was rock and rockabilly was swing. And Tsugumi knew rock, and Tsugumiknew swing. She reached for the keys.

One note. Rock. Two. A. Three. Bil. Four. Ly. You stretch the space between Rock and A and you shrink it between A, Bil and Ly and—

It turned out, Tsugumi was the cue to for Hina to cut loose.

Hina’s hands spread over her guitar as she burst out of the gate into a riff. Her left hand skidded down the neck of the guitar with a metallic skreen that only added to the sound while her right skimmed across the surface of the guitar like a stone on a lake.

It was a swing rhythm. Hina probably didn’t even know that, just intuited the musical patterns herself like the genius she was. Tsugumi dove into the keyboard, knowing she wouldn’t be able to keep up but determined to try anyway.

Their instruments clashed together in a glorious, joyous noise. The car was rolling down, zooming down the highway cruising for a place to play and a girl to show off too. Tsugumi chased the rhythm up and down the scale with both hands.

Hina leaned close the microphone at the front of the stage with her trademark grin, rocking back on her heels and forward to her toes.“Askeet Scoobydoowap!”

The bass and drums called back to Hina’s scat. “Askeet Scoobydoowap.”

“Abopboppan!”

“Aboopbopban.”

Tsugumi glanced up, still banging on the keys. Hina was looking at her as she sang-spoke.

“aSkeeDIdiddlybip!”

“aSkeediddlybip?” Tsugumi offered back.

It was close enough for Hina’s taste. “Anda zap zap zap!” She hammered the frets and dove back into her playing.

The guitar careened into a circle pattern, spiraling in on itself in a musical wheelie until it settle into a comfortable repeating pattern. Hina bobbed the neck of the guitar to Tsugumi, like a hand out for a dance. An invitation to take the spotlight.

The pianist didn’t hesitate. Whatever the spirit of rockabilly was, it was in charge now.

Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly! Tsugumi danced in high octaves of piano, rolling her fingers between the keys, letting her forefinger and pinky party together and her left thumb and pinky hunt down a bass the match the one marching behind her.

She barely noticed she was rocking heel to toe the same way Hina had at the mic.

“Now THAT’S Rockabilly!” Sho jumped in front of the stage with shocking energy for a man his age. He twisted in his worn down boots in time to Hina’s guitar. The sides of his shoes flopped down around his toes but he was too lost in the music to care. “You wanna play here! It’s all yours!”

At the announcement Tsugumi slide her hand down the keys from the top of the scale to the bottom. There was nothing quite as satisfying in the world.

“Tsugu-chan!” Hina jumped to Tsugumi’s side, her hand outstretched. “Dance with me.”

“Don’t you have to play?” Tsugumi panted, bewildered.

“I’ll handle it,” the kind old man from the bar—Eiji— plucked the guitar from around Hina’s neck and carved out a sound that proved age brought many gifts.

For one more time that day, Hina dragged Tsugumi by the hand. Tsugumi would have followed anyway, but she’d realized it was a little fun to let Hina pull. The guitarist grabbed Tsugumi’s other hand at the front of the stage and they twisted. Their hands formied a circle between them as their feet scuffed the floor with squeaking soles.

Feet in, Feet out, Feet in, Feet out.

Hina could help but laugh and Tsugumi couldn’t help but join in. It wasn’t an elegant dance by any approximation, but the only audience looked as silly as they did.

As with everything she tried, Hina was more skilled than she knew. With ease, Hina whipped Tsugumi out with a twirl to the full extension of their arms. Tsugumi found her open arm naturally fanned out like a proper swing dancer’s just before she was reeled back to her senpai and into Hina’s arms.

Hina and Tsugumi rocked back and forth in a dance Hina apparently knew the steps to. Forward backwards step step. Or—

“Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock,” the untrained dancer said just above Tsugumi’s ear.

They moved in time to the rhythmic phrase. Tsugumi repeated back. “Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock.”

“Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Roll.”

“Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Rock—a-bil-ly, Roll.”

Hina spun Tsugumi around one more time so they stood face to face and with a move so smooth Tsugumi didn’t know how Hina managed to dip her so low she could hear her hair brush the floor.

And Tsugumi realized this was it, this was the moment Hina was going to kiss her.

Then Hina pulled her up with the same shining smile.

And the music came to a noisy, messy, drum rolling conclusion.

And Tsugumi felt the slightest touch of disappointment sneak into her heart.

* * *

Dum dum dum.

Sayo set her guitar back in its case, almost satisfied with her restrung low e string. She glanced around the empty lobby of CiRCLE. There was always a lovely peace at CiRCLE early on a Sunday morning just before anyone but Marina had arrived in the studio. Though with the time it took to fix her guitar, she was practically late to practice (she was still five minutes early).

Sayo looped the strap around her back and headed towards their assigned room. She felt refreshed. She’d enjoyed an uneventful Saturday without Hina at home and she felt a pleasant urge to practice instead of her usual determined compulsion. But before she reached for the handle to the door, she paused.

There was someone was moving inside. Sayo could see them through the star-shaped window in the door. She stepped closer. Odd. Sayo was usually the first one to arrive thought it was possible that someone else woke up particularly enthusiastic that morning. The guitarist looked more seriously through the window and immediately stumbled back, eyes wide and racing to the ground in front of her.

Not someone. Someones. Two someones. Two someones very close to being mistaken for one someone, if say, perhaps, a third someone were to look at the first two someones from a distance and—

Sayo had to look again. She didn’t want to look again but it was absolutely necessary that she not jump to any conclusions about what was happening in that room. She wasn’t the nosy sort, she absolutely completely was not the nosy sort but—

The was no mistaking it. No pretending Lisa had simply dropped something on her neck and Yukina HAD to retrieve it right away with her mouth because her hands were completely full. Full with more of Lisa. Sayo fell away from the door again with a strangled breath in the neighborhood of a gasp.

Lisa and Yukina were making out in the practice room.

Sayo’s reptile brain decided it was not up to the task of handling the situation at the moment. So, the brain-fried girl turned on her heels, walked back down the hall, through the lobby and out of the building. She wasn’t even sure where her legs were taking her until there she was in front of the old fashioned building waving at the kindly mousy haired man flipped the handwritten sign on the door from closed to open.

It was lucky Hazawa coffee opened at 9 sharp.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all have tropes we like an awful lot.
> 
> As an American I constantly have to edit myself to keep very overt Americanisms out of these stories. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. But I promise you, Japanese Rockabilly fans are very very real and they are 1000% cooler than American ones. American Rockabilly folk all look like Guy Fieri while the Japanese fans dress like a much cooler version of Grease. They're fantastic. There are some cool mini docs on youtube on the like sub-subculture. Magic is a pretty great Japanese Rockabilly group and on the American end you can't go wrong with Brian Setzer but I'll save any more rambling for twitter. 
> 
> I wanted to do something fun and super weird with this chapter! I hope it succeeded.


	5. I don't discuss myself enough, the thought of it disgusts me

Sayo had never been in Hazawa Coffee so early in the morning. She was used to the cafe in the mid-afternoon—after school or practice—when it hummed with the messy energy of a well used and loved place, not in the early morning when it was so quiet. So still. When the chairs were still tucked into their tables and the sugar trays were still filled neatly to the brim. While the floors and counters still lay perfectly clean, untrod on and unspoiled. It was the coffeeshop only the Hazawa family ever saw.

Sayo could breath again here.

“Don’t be shy, we’re open!” As he walked ahead, Tsugumi’s father glanced over his shoulder at his daughter’s friend with a familiar and familial smile. “Come sit at the counter, we’re just getting ready for the day.”

Tsugumi’s father was a wiry man, with thinning hair and a thick bushy mustache that Tsugumi had once confessed she longed to shave off to spare her father the embarrassment he didn’t realize he was suffering from. Sayo saw him often, any frequent customer to Hazawa Coffee did, but she’d never really had the chance to talk to him. At least, not outside the usual pleasantries one exchanged with a friend’s father: How’s school? How’s that band of yours? Tell your parents I said hello. He had never met Sayo’s parents but he was always sending along a greeting that Sayo would never pass on.

Sayo followed his suggestion and took a seat along the countertop in a spot where she could watch him begin to measure and mix coffee beans with muscle memory trained hands. No measuring cups just a handle full of this and a handful of that into a burlap sack.

There was silence between the two of them—teenage girl and father of a friend—that Sayo wasn’t certain she was comfortable with. There was too much space to linger on thoughts she wasn’t ready to have. Though idle chatter wasn’t her forte, she nonetheless asked, “Does the shop always open at this time?”

“Only on Sundays. I sleep in on Sundays,” he winked at Sayo conspiratorially, “We open at seven the rest of the week. Now I would prefer,” He turned to the grinder with his coffee blend. The beans noisily poured into the plastic tub perched over the metal grinder, “to open around noon, but for some reason people expect coffee in the morning!” He slid a silver metal tray into a slot in the grinder, pausing to let it whir his beans into a small pile of grinds, “If only my father had opened a bar.”

Sayo smiled slightly. So Tsugumi took after her father, amiable down to the center of their hearts. Tsugumi’s father waved the little tray holding his fresh grinds, startling himself when some fell out. Perhaps she inherited a little bit of ditziness from him as well. Sayo twisted the strap of her guitar, still around her shoulders, in her hands. A little part of her had assumed Tsugumi’s parents were like her own—loving but distant. She couldn’t imagine her own father speaking so freely with one of her friends. With Lisa or Yukina—

“Here you are, fresh brew all ready for you.” A hot cup of coffee plunked down in front of Sayo.

Sayo blinked into the rising steam. Her thoughts vanished. “Thank you—”

“Oh! I forgot the saucer!” Tsugumi’s father pivoted between the front and back counters, grabbing a small plate. He tried to cleanly slide it under the cup but despite his best efforts coffee still spilled, welling around the cup like a necklace of wet mud.

“It’s alright.”

He peered into her face, his brow furrowing into a single deep wrinkle. “Are you hungry?”

“I’m fine—”

Tsugumi’s father ignored Sayo. He leaned back and shouted into open doorway leading from behind the counter to the kitchen. “Honey!”

A soft featured woman with long dark brown hair tied into a sharp ponytail peeked out of the kitchen. It was impossible to tell which parent Tsugumi took more after. “Hmm?” Tsugumi’s mother smiled, “Sayo-chan, it’s good to see you. I’ll make you a sandwich.”

“It’s Sunday, make her some pancakes!”

“I don’t need—”

“Are you sure YOU don’t just want pancakes?” Tsugumi’s mother eyed her husband with affectionate suspicion.

He shrugged helplessly, “If you’re offering.”

Tsugumi’s mother disappeared back into her kitchen before Sayo could protest their kindness further. There was no denying the Hazawas’ hospitality. She reached into her pocket. “How much?”

He cut her off with a playful attempt at a serious glare, Tsugumi’s father’s face was not built for severity. “No thank you. I can tell you’re here today as Tsugumi’s friend, not as a customer. I’d be a terrible father if I charged my daughter’s friends when they needed her.” He paused, “Of course I’d be a terrible businessman if I didn’t charge them when they didn’t! Wahahaha,” he laughed loud and hardy enough to cause Tsugumi’s mother to peek back out the kitchen.

“How… do you know?”

“Hmm?”

“How do you know I’m here for Tsugumi?” Sayo didn’t even know why she’d come to Hazawa coffee.

Tsugumi’s father looked at Sayo with rich brown eyes and a fatherly expression, “When you’ve served coffee as long as I have, you know when someone needs a cup of coffee and when someone needs a kind ear. And my daughter is nothing but kind ears.” His head tilted to the side, “I mean she has two. Tsugumi has a normal amount of ears.”

Sayo frowned, confused. “I have... seen her ears?”

“Oh good.” He said airily. His ears twitched just before the sound of rumbling steps reached Sayo’s.

“Sorry I’m late!” Tsugumi suddenly burst through the back door, rushing behind the counter with her apron undone, the loose strings flapping at her sides. She pulled her short and barely brushed hair back into a tiny ponytail like the bristles of a paint brush. If Sayo reached out and flicked it she was certain it would waggle back and forth. Sayo pushed the very silly idea away, unsure where it came from.

Tsugumi tied her apron strings tight as she lightly scolded her father, “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“You should sleep more. If you don’t sleep what’s the point of being a teenager?” he handed her a cup of coffee prefilled with cream and sugar.

“You should listen to your own advice,” she sighed.

Sayo tried to imagine teasing her father but found the idea too impossible.

“I’m not a teenager. Hard work is where adults live. Isn’t that right Sayo-chan? Teach my daughter not to work too hard.”

Sayo set her own cup down with a clink, “I’m not much of an expert on the subject.”

“S-Sayo-san,” Tsugumi jumped back, bumping against the back counter, as she finally became aware of the guitarist’s presence. “What are you doing here?”

“I…” It was too excellent of a question. Sayo still didn’t have an answer.

“Sayo-chan, eat up,” Tsugumi’s mother swung around her confused daughter with a heavy plate brimming with fluffy souffle pancakes and set it in front of Sayo. They weren’t done up in the usual way Hazawa Coffee served them—with whipped cream and strawberries and other delights stacked high to impress—but in the simple way one served breakfast to a family member. Sayo knew the pancakes were delicious before she had even taken a bite.

“Where’s my pancake?” Tsugumi’s father said with an undignified pout.

His wife handed him a flattened pancake, “this one fell.” She turned to her daughter. “I’ll make you some too.”

“I already ate!” Tsugumi protested.

Her mother squinted, “Did you?”

“…no.”

She reached out and patted her daughter’s cheek with two firm motherly smacks, “No working without breakfast.” Once again the Hazawa matriarch ducked into the kitchen.

“I’m so sorry Sayo-san,” Tsugumi turned to Sayo as her father began to serve the other customers slowly filtering into the store. “I don’t know what totally embarrassing stories dad told you but—”

“You don’t have any embarrassing stories! They’re all adorable,” Tsugumi’s father called over his shoulder with a wink to one of their regulars.

“That’s embarrassing on its own…”

“It’s fine, Hazawa-san,” Sayo tried to reassure her friend. Tsugumi smiled down at her. Sayo could feel her heart ease at the simple gesture.

“Yes?” Tsugumi’s father looked back with a sneaky smile.

“I was referring to,” Sayo hesitated, “Hazawa-san.”

“Yes?”

Tsugumi looked between Sayo and her father with wide, panicked eyes. “Dad,” she warned.

“What? I’m Hazawa-san, my wife’s Hazawa-san, but my daughter is Tsugumi-san or Tsugu-chan or whatever new nickname Moca’s using these days.”

Sayo considered it. There was logic to what Tsugumi’s father was saying and it wasn’t as though Sayo was completely incapable of referring to someone by their first name when it would be confusing otherwise. She just typically didn’t. But… perhaps… under the watchful gaze of Tsugumi’s father she could… “T-Tsu—”

Tsugumi’s face was red all the way to the tips of her exactly two ears. “Dad! Y-you have a customer.” When her father’s attention returned to their guests, Tsugumi breathed deeply and bowed her head to Sayo, “please, please ignore my father.”

“It’s alright.” The teasing was embarrassing but not offensive.

The barista looked realived. Sayo couldn’t help but smile in return. “I’m sorry to make you wait. After the morning rush we can talk, I promise.”

As Tsugumi promised to listen to Sayo’s worries, Sayo realized how much she wanted to share them. How did she also know Sayo needed to talk before Sayo did? The Hazawa family’s intuition was fearsome indeed.

If only Sayo knew how to vocalize the feelings boiling in her chest. With the Hazawas occupied with their work, there was nothing to keep Sayo’s invasive thoughts from returning. The image burned into her brain reasserted its mental dominance. Lisa and Yukina locked into an… embrace. The light trauma of the witnessing and absolute inappropriateness of the location aside, there wasn’t anything about the pair as a couple that was terribly surprising. Sayo was a member of the disciplinary committee but she wasn’t totally ignorant to the things other teenagers got up to in empty rooms.

… other teenagers.

Why did dread claw up her chest at the thought? Why did the idea of her friends, her closest friends, her dearest friends, finding affection in each other make her want to double over in an emotional pain rendered physical?

Sayo knew the answer. Because that was the sort of person Sayo was. She wasn’t the sort of person capable of being happy for another. She was too selfish for that, too jealous by her nature. The feeling scratched into her throat threatening to climb out in a scream. Sayo reached for her cup with hands she hadn’t realized were shaking but found it was empty.

“I’ll get you another.”

The feeling retreated like a monster to the shadows, just hidden enough to stay out of mind until the opportunity arose again.

Sayo met Tsugumi’s eyes, there was concern in those sweet brown eyes but no pity. She handed her barista the empty cup. “Thank you.”

Wanting to talk to someone and being able to talk to someone were two different things.

Sayo focused all her being on Tsugumi’s turned back. On her slight shoulders relaxed at work. On the blades of her shoulders flexing as she ground the coffee beans and reached for the mesh filter to fit over the ceramic drip filter that would create the magical cup of coffee Sayo had come to need. On how the small of her back angled out as she leaned over filter with the long stemmed kettle like a genie’s lamp. On a space so small yet strong enough to carry so many people’s worlds.

The water flowed from the spout, poured in concentric circles, one after another as the coffee grinds puffed up and up. From the CO2, Sayo remembered reading once.

“I don’t normally have an audience,” The barista said, glancing back at Sayo.

“I apologize, I didn’t mean to stare.”

“Oh no! It’s okay!” Tsugumi corrected hurriedly. “You can stare at me if you want.” She laughed, just a little. “You know what I mean.”

“I do.” And Sayo took it to heart, watching Tsugumi hard at work kept the thoughts at bay. So she sipped her coffee and watched her friend and let the pleasant comfort of the ritual fill her instead of thoughts.

Grind, filter, pour, serve. Grind, filter, pour, serve. Grind, filter, pour, serve. Grind, filter, pour, serve.

Sayo didn’t know how long she’d been watching. Long enough that surely practice was over. She’d found enough of her dignity to be able to text Rinko that she was sick. Which wasn’t entirely a lie. But she hadn’t the nerve to talk to Lisa, even through one way communication. The phone remained in Sayo’s pocket, any messages on it unread.

“Sayo-san,” Tsugumi called out, “I can take my break now.”

The guitarist stood, clutching the instrument she had never removed from her back. Was that presumptive? Perhaps Tsugumi had intended to come around to Sayo’s side of the counter and there was no need for her to stand. Did she look foolish standing there? Sayo considered sitting again but then Tsugumi all of the sudden was beside her, removing her apron and folding it over her arm.

“Do you want to come back to my room? It’s more comfortable there.”

And Sayo did. But her words didn’t work so she nodded instead.

* * *

There was no surprise to Tsugumi’s room. The neatly made bed covered with pillows, the keyboard still set up from her practice the previous night, even the many budded flower in the window so shouted Tsugumi Hazawa that Sayo could scarcely have mistaken the room for anyone else’s space. Upon entry, Tsugumi immediately offered Sayo her bed for a seat and sat herself behind her keyboard, looking as if she were about to perform a private solo.

Tsugumi had a slightly frantic energy about her, moving her hands from her lap to the keyboard and back again. Sayo couldn’t imagine why unless she was suddenly concerned about what was on Sayo’s mind. The optics of the situation dawned on Sayo. She had arrived early to Tsugumi’s place of employment, loitered there for hours with something on her mind and then followed the girl all the way to her room. Certainly, she was invited but it was still an odd look.

The air thickened between them. There were a thousand words in Sayo’s throat but she felt an invisible wall over her larynx that would let none through. She must seem crazy, she had to seem crazy and Tsugumi was just sitting there waiting for her to speak—

Dun Bum

dun bum

Dun Bum

dun bum

One note on Tsugumi’s left hand, one chord on the right. Then another, softer. And louder. And softer. Sayo knew this song. She’d heard it in the background of quiet, contemplative scenes in countless television shows and movies.

Erik Satie’s [Gymnopédie No. 1](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BCPe7gauok).

Tsugumi repeated the beginning of the song, nervously looking over at Sayo as if fearing _she_ was too presumptive.

Sayo freed her guitar from its case and set it across her lap. Tsugumi could never be presumptive, not to Sayo. She already felt calmer with her instrument in her hands.

She had no amp and despite her best efforts the low e was probably out of tune but Sayo tried to play along anyway. There in Tsugumi’s bedroom Roselia’s guitarist became a child at her first lesson again, following her teacher with awkward fingers. The sound between them was uneven but after a few bars their notes started to match. For every note Tsugumi let linger in the air Sayo contorted her hand on the neck of her guitar, wriggling thin fingers to create an uneven vibrato. Sayo’s sound was a muffled imitation of what she could actually do but she still played.

It occurred to Sayo she should be embarrassed to let someone hear such messy playing. But maybe it was only fair, if Tsugumi had shown her messy playing at CiRCLE that day, that Sayo show her the same now. There was comfort in the musical vulnerability.

Tsugumi’s Gymnopédie No. 1 was slow, stepping through the notes and chords with Sayo one by one as if holding her hand and pointing to each in turn: ‘Here we play A, here we play C. We rest here and then we may move on.’

The song was the sound of floating on the ocean, rocked by the waves, letting consciousness flow into the sea until the body was nothing but foam on the waves.

It was sleeping in a meadow on a spring day with no end, throwing roots into the ground to join the flowers in their field.

It was finding comfort in rituals of a coffee shop, becoming a silent part of the atmosphere no different than a painting on wall.

It was feeling so lost and vulnerable in front of someone so kind it left an aching in the heart.

Sayo’s finger slipped. The mistake barely sounded worse than the intentional notes had but it was enough to stop her hands from strumming. Her eyes drifted closed as she let the gentle melody hold her upright. Sayo swallowed hard at the last note and then the words fell from her lips.

“This morning I found—caught—Imai-san and Minato-san… in an embrace.” Sayo opened her eyes.

The girl at the keyboard frowned in confusion, “Like a hug?”

Specificity was required. “A carnal embrace.”

DaDUMdaBAM.

Tsugumi’s hands slipped onto the keys. She shut the keyboard off before continuing, “Carnal?”

Sayo nodded. She mimed vaguely intimate actions in the air with her hands. “They were in the midst of… it was…” Subtlety failed her, she’d have to admit it, “A kiss.”

“Oh!” Her shoulders slumped with a relieved sigh, “I thought—well that makes more sense.”

“It does?”

“Relatively. I get why you wanted to come to me.”

“You do?” Sayo didn’t.

“Because of Himari-chan and Tomoe-chan right?”

Sayo’s eyes narrowed, “What do Uehara-san and Udagawa-san have to do with anything?”

“A few months ago two of my best friends started sneaking around making out and now they’re dating?” Tsugumi giggled at Sayo’s lost expression, “You really don’t pay attention to other people’s relationships.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing to apologize for. And that kind of thing would be shocking for anyone to see, plus they’re both girls—”

“I don’t care that they’re both girls,” the force in Sayo’s voice was startling, even to herself. “I’ve never cared about the spectrum of sorts that Hina dates, I hardly care if Imai-san and Minato-san prefer women.”

Tsugumi shrunk back in her seat, “Does Hina-senpai date a lot of people?”

Hina dated when she was bored. She only entertained a fraction of her would be suitors and never for long. Sayo decided not to mention that, if she still wished to encourage Hina and Tsugumi’s fondness for each other.

… If?

“Not recently.”

Tsugumi shook away her frown, “That’s not important right now. We’re talking about you.”

“I’m not very good at that. I don’t discuss myself often.”

“That’s okay,” Tsugumi stood up and walked across the carpet to sit beside Sayo on the bed. She gave Sayo’s guitar a light pat. “I’m not good at talking about myself either. It’s easier to help people than it is to be helped.” She clapped her hands together. “But I know what you’re going through! I’ve been through it.”

Oddly, when Tsugumi leaned forward and just barely across the invisible line of Sayo’s personal space the guitarist’s instincts didn’t jerk her back. Instead, she found the closeness comforting. As was the scent wafting off her friend. What she had once thought was merely the smell of coffee beans, Sayo now recognized as the specific dark roast blend of Hazawa Coffee. Her chest grew warm at the familiarity as she waited for Tsugumi to continue.

“When Himari-chan told me how she felt about Tomoe-chan, I was happy for her but at the same time I knew it was the end of part of our friendship. It’s like,” Tsugumi’s hand fell to the round edge of Sayo’s guitar, her thumb rubbing round on the wood, “they’ll always have a relationship with each other that’s different than their relationship with me. Even though that was true when they just friends, it feels so much more now… you know?” She sighed, “I’m sorry I didn’t explain that right.”

Sayo shook her head, long hair falling towards Tsugumi. She did understand.“I… I don’t want them to leave me behind.”

Ah, that was it. There was a logical part of Sayo’s brain that knew her friends hooking up had nothing to do with her. But now Sayo understood, that logical part of her brain had been drown out by the emotional panic of feeling unnecessary.

Because if Yukina and Lisa had each other why did they need Sayo?

It wasn’t any more or less true than it had been before that morning. But Sayo felt it now, the possibility that Yukina and Lisa could leave her behind in the darkness. If they could leave so could Ako and Rinko and if those precious relationships fell apart what would be left of Sayo?

Would she become the Sayo she used to be once again?

The idea almost swallowed her whole, swimming at her from recesses of her own mind like a shark with a gaping, open maw. She was certain there was nothing more terrifying in all the world than that thought.

Sayo’s hand twitched at the lightest pressure she’d ever felt. Tsugumi’s hand brushed against hers, sitting together on the rim of the guitar. Neither moved closer or further, just rested with pinky touching pinky. “I know how that feels too.”

But was the person Sayo Hikawa had become really made of such poorly blown glass?

All at once the feelings that overwhelmed Sayo felt so small. Just by saying her fear out loud and knowing it was shared its cruel magic vanished. The trick was revealed. Her heart beat in its proper rhythm again.

“There is something nice about it too. A-aside from your friends’ happiness,” Tsugumi quickly amended. “It’s like if there’s someone out there for your friends, maybe there’s someone out there for you too.”

“I don’t really think about that sort of thing.” Sayo said with eyes turned towards the ceiling. Love and romance were Hina’s domain. Sayo was still playing catchup on a being a person. And anyway, she thought with no self-pity, who would settle for the lesser Hikawa twin? She looked down to Tsugumi, watching bashfully.

But if there was ever anyone…

“You wouldn’t, would you?” Tsugumi laughed shakily, “Someone as cool as you… there are a lot more important things aren’t there?”

Sayo’s words fled again. She wanted to say no, to tell Tsugumi that she was wrong. That what she thought was coolness was Sayo’s awkwardness made manifest. That Tsugumi was easily the best person she knew and if she cared about love and romance then love and romance were as important as anything had ever been. But instead her thoughts collapsed into a single sentence both illogical and true:

“I want you to hear me.”

Tsugumi blinked up at Sayo. Her confusion was evident.

What on Earth did that mean? Sayo’s brain backtracked, trying to create a logic to a conclusion with no build up. “I didn’t play very well today. And the other day… it was nice but… I’d like you to hear what my guitar really sounds like. I can have a ticket to Roselia’s show next Saturday set aside for you.” The more Sayo spoke, the more she realized she really did want Tsugumi to see them play. “Please come.”

Tsugumi laughed that sunshine soaked laugh, collapsing with her head against Sayo’s shoulder. Heat trailed in a tickling tingle from the top of her head to Sayo’s cheeks. “Of course I’ll come. It’s been so long since I’ve seen you play. R-Roselia, I mean.”

“I’m glad,” Sayo managed to say. She couldn’t move. She didn’t want to move. Sayo could only breath slowly, their hands still touching on the guitar.

“It’s kind of funny. When I saw you in the shop, I was a little worried you came here to talk about Hina-senpai.”

The air sucked out of Sayo’s lungs. “Hina?”

“We went out yesterday. On a date,” Tsugumi’s voice quivered. “I don’t know, I thought maybe she mentioned something to you.”

It was as if a door inside of Sayo had been creaking open and was suddenly, forcefully shut with great finality.

Sayo straightened her back. Tsugumi pulled her head away and her hand off Sayo’s guitar. This was good. This was what was supposed to happen. This was what Sayo had wanted to happen. Hina and Tsugumi made sense. Special people deserved special people.

Sayo would be happy for them.

Sayo could be happy for them.

There was no reason she couldn’t be.

* * *

Tsugumi led Sayo back out to the shop. Who would have predicted she’d spend her whole weekend split between the Hikawa twins? Not that Tsugumi minded, Sayo could make unnerving company but she was worth it. Buried under her layers of stoicism Sayo was… Sayo was…

Sayo was bowing in the middle of Hazawa Coffee. “Please accept my apology for taking up so much of your day Hazawa-san.”

Tsugumi’s head whipped around her shop. Yeah, there was her dad grinning like a fool. The other customers noticed too. But this was how Sayo showed her sincerity, there was no choice but to accept it. “I’m always here to talk Sayo-san.”

“SAYO!”

Lisa leapt across the room from the booth she’d been waiting in. Yukina followed at less frantic pace behind her.

Sayo’s body repelled away from Lisa. “Imai-san? How did you know I was here?”

“I called Hina because you said you were sick! And Hina said you weren’t sick so we came looking for you,” Lisa said worriedly, arms akimbo at her sides. “Do you know how many places we checked?”

“Just the one,” Yukina added quietly.

Lisa reddened, “We couldn’t think of any other place you would go. But that’s not the point. It’s not like you to skip practice Sayo. What happened?”

Sayo looked between Lisa and Yukina and then Tsugumi. Tsugumi nudged her head forward towards Sayo’s friends. It was all the encouragement Sayo needed. The three friends trailed back to their booth, out of Tsugumi’s ear range.

Tsugumi tied her apron back on with a smile and kept watch from behind the counter as she busied her self wiping down used mugs. First Sayo spoke, Yukina and Lisa sinking further and further under the table as she did. Then Yukina looked a bit like she was going to jump out the window, then Lisa looked like she was going to throw her out the window and then, finally, Lisa laughed loudly while Sayo and Yukina let out soft chuckles. The equilibrium of their lives was restored, a bit different from before but easy enough to move on in.

From across the room Tsugumi watched Sayo smile soft and serene.

Sayo smiled so easily with her friends.

The mug slipped from Tsugumi’s fingers, shattering. She stared down in shock at the jagged ceramic pieces spread on floor like continents on a map. With as much care as she could muster, Tsugumi picked up the largest pieces, bit by bit and threw them away.

But she still got cut anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title for this chapter is taken from a great song called "Brushfire" by the band The Color and Sound, who would be shocked to find it referenced like this as they were (are?) an extraordinarily local band from an area I used to live in. I'm a sucker for a very specific sort of verbal wordplay.
> 
> I'm running off on a long vacation and the next chapter is shaping up to be longer than all the rest so it will be a little bit before the next chapter. In the meantime feel free to comment. Please comment. I'm terribly needy.


	6. The Cat Who Got the Cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We back.

_Do...bu...nezumi_

**Don Don DoDon**

Since freshman year, rumors of Afterglow’s drums and vocals only cover of The Blue Hearts’ classic ‘Linda Linda’ had floated around Haneoka.

_mitai ni_

**DoDoDoDon**

It had started as a funny but harmless rumor that at a concert Moca and Himari had left the stage just before the encore and the two remaining members (always two in the story, never three) had stayed behind to perform three minute and twenty two seconds of auditory chaos. The rumor grew (as rumors did) into the idea that Moca and Himari HATED the song ‘Linda Linda’ and refused to play it. And ACTUALLY, they fled the stage at the first sound of the first note. Some people even claimed the band had briefly broken up over the ‘Linda Linda’ controversy.

_utsukushiku naritai_

**Don Don Ka Ka Don Don Don KaKa**

The drama finally reached its tumultuous peak when fans started yelling “LINDA LINDA” during the quiet moments of Afterglow’s sets. After one particularly rowdy fan got abou a third of the audience to join in, Ran finally kicked over her mic stand and dove into the crowd to throw fists until Tomoe and Moca dragged her out by the collar. From that day forward, ‘Linda’ was a forbidden word at CiRCLE.

_Shashin niwa utsuranai_

**Don DoDon Ka Ka DoDoDoDon**

The really, really silly part of the whole thing was there never had been a drums and vocals only cover of ‘Linda Linda’. At least not one performed live. Yes, it was one of Ran and Tomoe’s favorite songs—the sort of favorite song that forced the other three to learn to like it through a sort of Stockholm affection—but they didn’t play it live.

_utsukushisa ga aru karaaaaaa_

**Don DoDoDon DoDon Don Ka Ka.**

They played it on Taiko Drum Master.

“LINDA LINDA! LINDA LINDA LINDAAAAAA!”

With one boisterous, shared voice Tomoe and Ran roared along with the crackling music pouring out of the aging arcade cabinet.

The pair slammed their plastic sticks against the rubber taiko styled drum pads in a blur of center ‘dons’ and side ‘kas’ that matched the blaze of speeding notes on the screen hanging above them. Like a piston smashing down in it’s preprogrammed pattern over and over again Tomoe scored in perfect time again and again. While Ran’s playing devolved from her enthusiastic opening into a desperate mess of misses and half hits.

It wasn’t the first time Tsugumi had watched them—tucked safely in the corner and out of her friends' arm span—play this exact song. Theoretically, they were supposed to be picking a Roselia song to cover and working out concert details for the venue they’d secured (thanks Hina-senpai) but one off topic idea led to another even further from the point and then suddenly, Tsugumi was on the second floor of a four story arcade surrounding by flashing lights and hoping she wouldn’t have to break up a fight.

**DoDoDoDON kadodoka—**

“You’re cheating,” Ran grunted through clenched teeth—accusations were her usual strategy when fair play failed.

Tomoe laughed off Ran’s accusation without breaking her chain. “How am I cheating?”

“You’re too good at Taiko!”

**Ka Ka Don Ka Ka Don.**

“That’s not cheating,” Tomoe winked without breaking her triple. “You know you can play at a lower difficulty.”

Ran glared with murder in her eyes and raised her drumstick like a club. “I would rather DIE.” Instead of smashing it across her supposed best friend’s head, she thwacked it down across Tomoe’s drum. From Tomoe’s strangled gasp at her suddenly broken chain, this was clearly the much worse crime.

Doof!

Tomoe shoved her shoulder into Ran’s but the singer couldn’t be dissuaded from her sabotage with a simple act of physical violence.

Wham! Whack! She tried her best to keep the hothead off her pad but Ran remained steady and determined to wreck Tomoe’s score. Tomoe had no choice but to lash out at Ran’s pad in return.

BAM BAM BAM!

“Cheating!”

“You did it first!”

 **DoDonKaKaDoDoDo** —

_LINDA LINDAAAA LINDA LINDA LINDAAAAA_

As the song reached its proper chorus, Ran and Tomoe settled into playing on each other’s pads, their battle suspended for an odd sort of performance art truce. Tomoe stretched out over Ran’s back and managed to restart her streak on the lefthand drum as Ran stumbled but almost matched the manic power of The Blue Hearts’ classic.

From her corner between the machine and the wall, Tsugumi’s mediator instincts begged her to jump in between her warring friends but her sense of self preservation kept her just out of reach of rogue sticks. She was no stranger to how deep Ran and Tomoe’s competitive streak flowed, it was usually Tsugumi who kept them from tearing down the arcade.

A crowd of slack jawed children began to gather around the dueling duo, drawn in by the sight of two almost adults tangled up on top of each other and held in place by the rhythm and skill. A little bit of irrational pride stirred in Tsugumi’s heart. She knew her friends’ taiko skills (Tomoe’s skills, Ran’s enthusiasm) had nothing to do with her but as she looked out at the gathered kids, part of Tsugumi just wanted to say ‘My friends are amazing aren’t they.’

_LINDA LINDA LINDAAAAA AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAA_

_‘_ Linda Linda’ was one of Tsugumi’s favorite songs too.

Finally, with one last passionate ‘LINDA’ the song came to an end. Tomoe and Ran straightened out their backs—red faced and glowing as if they’d just finished a concert—to the cheers of the kindergarten crowd behind them. Their animosity was forgotten as quickly as it had started. Tomoe handed her sticks off to the nearest little girl and gave her a quick grin and wink that was surely going to give the little girl a lifelong complex.

“Thanks for waiting Tsugu!” Tomoe scooped up her bag from Tsugumi’s feet.

Ran’s passion had been traded for embarrassment. She couldn’t meet Tsugumi’s eyes as her bag was handed to her. “Thanks Tsugumi.”

“Did you have fun Ran-chan?” Tsugumi asked, stepping around the children and towards the escalator, hoping they could find somewhere quieter to brainstorm.

Ran nodded and combed a hand through her hair. Tomoe and Ran could always rile each other up to no end but Ran was always the first to crash when the excitement ended. A familiar clammy hand slipped into Tsugumi’s as they neared the exit of the many storied arcade.

“Woah! Tsugu! Check that out!”

But to reach the exit they had to pass a long row of singing crane games and Tomoe was an excitable puppy. By the time Tsugumi and Ran turned to look at her, Tomoe was already pressed against the glass, hands and nose smearing streaks. The object of her interest was vaguely cat shaped pillow.

“Hold tight, I’m gonna win this for Tsugu real quick.” Tomoe scrounged through her pockets for a few loose hundred yen coins.

“Tomoe-chan, that’s okay.” It was really cute, but Tsugumi also had a dozen other pillows won by her friends crowding her bed.

“Just leave it to me,” Tomoe said with the smoldering expression that usually sent Himari collapsing to the floor. Tomoe fiddled with the joystick and crab shuffled around the glass cube until she was confident with her alignment and—“DAMN IT.”

Before Tsugumi could grip tighter and keep her in place, Ran’s hand slipped out of her grasp and like a magnet she was drawn to the machine beside Tomoe’s where a same styled dog pillow lay. “I’ll show you how it’s done.” Ran deposited her change and—

“This thing is rigged!”

Tsugumi hovered behind them, “It’s a crane machine so…yes?”

Tomoe threw more money into the machine, pawing at the controls with a special sort of mania reserved for hopeless causes. “Gah! All my WcRonald’s money...”

“You’re going to have to wear the outfit again,” Ran scoffed as her allowance disappeared to the void of the coin slot.

“Tomoe-chan, I can loan you money, you don’t have to—”

The part-time fast food clown’s fist pounded against the glass, “It’s my burden to bear.”

BzzBzzt!

Tsugumi tensed as her phone vibrated but her friends were too occupied with their quest to notice.

BzzBzzt! BzzBzzt! BzzBzzt!

But they were going to notice if Hina didn’t slow down.

BzzBzzt!

Someone must have told Hina she wasn’t supposed to text Tsugumi until the end of the weekend because Tsugumi’s phone had started buzzing at exactly midnight on Sunday and it hadn’t stopped in the three days since. Practicality demanded she set her phone on silent to keep it from driving her crazy with the ever present hum.

BzzBzzt!

But the special little jump her heart made every time Tsugumi’s phone went off made her set a custom vibration setting instead.

BzzBzzt!

BopPin!

BzzBzzt! BzzBzzt! BzzBzzt! BzzBzzt!

It might be worth forgoing the excitement for the privacy though, Tsugumi realized as she fumbled to press her phone further into her pocket. Unfortunately, that only amplified the noise.

Red framed ears perked in her direction. The rest of Tomoe followed around the side of the crane game. “What’s goin’ on Tsugu?”

“It’s nothing!”

BzzBzzt! Her phone protested otherwise.

Even Ran started to look over, the crane clutching around the empty air instead of the pillow. “Oh, is that…”

“Could it be?”

“Sayo-san.”

“Hina-senpai!”

The blips and bloops of the arcade faded to the background as Ran and Tomoe’s respective Hikawa proclamations rang through the air. For a second, they both stared at Tsugumi as if trying to figure out where the other voice could have possibly come from. Until, once again synchronized, they turned to each other.

Tomoe’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean ‘Sayo-san’?”

“What do you mean ‘Hina-senpai’?” Ran jabbed her finger at Tomoe.

BzzBzzt!

“Tsugu’s dating Hina-senpai! Himari told me—” Tomoe’s head cranked back to Tsugumi with a bashful expression, “s-sorry that was a secret.”

“It was…” Tsugumi made a note to remember that any secret shared with Himari would funnel down to Tomoe.

“Moca said Tsugumi’s been practicing with Sayo-san.”

And, of course, everything Moca knew went straight to Ran’s ears. “It was just once. Well, I guess we played in my room—” Tsugumi cut herself off but the damage was instant and critical.

Both Ran and Tomoe’s shoulders stiffened. Ran could barely unclench her jaw to ask, “She was in your room?”

Tomoe counted to five on her fingers and forced her shoulders to relax, “Ran, this is what Himari was telling us about.”

BzzBzzt!

“Himari was NOT talking about this.”

“Yeah she was. What’d she tell us to say? Tsugu, we acknowledge…” Tomoe squinted and glanced back at Ran, “Umm…”

Ran rolled her eyes and recited some memorized script, “We acknowledge your bodily autonomy to date whomever your choose without our interfer— okay but Himari’s not here and Sayo-san was IN HER ROOM.”

BzzBzzt!

Tsugumi wished she could exercise her bodily autonomy to leave.

Tomoe shrugged, “I think it’s better if it’s Sayo-san then Hina-senpai, ya know?”

“She was just in my room to talk,” Tsugumi immediately knew from the suspicious looks on her very protective friends’ faces that the explanation was not enough explanation.

“What were you talking about?” Ran drummed her fingers on the glass, their crane game aspirations abandoned.

The truth trickled to the front of Tsugumi’s mind. Ran would drop the interrogation on Tsugumi’s imagined love life drama for any gossip on her would be rival. Sayo hadn’t specifically said that Yukina and Lisa’s surprise relationship was a secret but… the idea of spilling it felt like betraying Sayo’s trust. That was something too precious to lose. So Tsugumi just answered with, “music.”

“I mean it’s Sayo-san so that sounds about right,” Tomoe accepted the answer without question. “Which means that...”

BzzBzzt!

“…is Hina-senpai.”

“It’s not a secret…”

Ran’s teeth clenched so tight Tsugumi was worried they’d snap off. “We acknowledge your bodily—”

“Ran-chan it’s fine! We just went out on a…” Tsugumi hesitated on the word on her tongue, “…on a date last Saturday.”

“Weacknowledgeyourbodilyautonomy—”

Tsugumi and Tomoe exchanged a panicked look as Ran’s brain began to loop. Over and over she repeated her canned script as her friends steered her towards the escalator.

“H-Hey Ran! Let’s play Taiko again! I’ll let you win.”

“I saw a new European flower photo book on sale, maybe we can check that out?”

“—whomeveryouchoosewithoutourinterference—”

BzzBzzt!

By the time they managed to break Ran out of her mental holding pattern it was too late to pick a Roselia song to perform. Himari scolded them throughly via group chat but the damage was done.

* * *

Later in the safety of her room snuggled in a nest of her many hard won gifted pillows, Tsugumi finally had a chance to investigate the avalanche of texts from Hina. From anyone else fifty seven individual text messages would have indicated some sort of personal catastrophe but from Hina it was only a slightly heavier than usual day.

Each BzzBzzt brought a new mystery. Sometimes Tsugumi would get a simple ‘hey’ followed by twenty nine indecipherable emojis as the only preparation before Hina would launch into whatever was on her mind in that exact moment. Sometimes Hina would sends things she thought were funny like confusing memes, or pictures of cats doing non-cat activities or screenshots of youtube videos that she would describe in their entirety without ever linking. But mostly she sent photos.

Hina wasn’t a good photographer. At least not in the ways that someone like Himari cared about: where the lighting was perfect and everything was posed exactly right and everyone had to wait an extra five minutes to eat so the photo could go on social media. Every photo Hina took became an action shot, as if she took every picture while sprinting past her subject. There were many of photos of Aya in the middle of practice all accompanied by an innocently weaponized comment that Tsugumi would gently disarm. There were pictures of Lisa and Kaoru that Tsugumi always passed on to Himari, no matter how blurry. There were photos of so many little odd things that Hina Hikawa thought important enough to share.

But more than anything else, there were photos of Sayo.

Tsugumi suspected Sayo was rarely, if ever, a willing subject. In most pictures the only part of Sayo in focus was her hand outstretched to rip the phone from Hina, while the rest of her was blur of teal and annoyance. Other photos featured the remnants of Sayo’s presence: loose guitar picks, some fries she hadn’t finished, her closed door. And sometimes, very rarely, Sayo was asleep.

It felt taboo to look at those pictures, like the curtain was pulled back on stage and the actors were all exposed mid costume swap. Yet Tsugumi couldn’t look away from this Sayo in a moment of dishevel, lying on the couch in a hoodie she would never dare leave the house in, her hair spilling over the edge like a waterfall trapped in time. This was another side of Sayo she didn’t know, like the anxious girl she’d gotten to meet over the weekend. But there weren’t going to be any chances to see this particular Sayo in the real world.

Moca caught her looking at one between classes. She let Tsugumi off with a wink and a “sleepy girl~” but for some reason it made Tsugumi more careful about when she opened Hina’s texts.

Tonight there were no photos. Tonight there was a fifty seven—BzzBzzt—fifty eight parts of playlist in Tsugumi’s inbox.

Why Hina was sending Tsugumi a playlist song by song instead of via one of many more practical methods was one of the fun Hina mysteries not meant to be solved. What mattered was Tsugumi had fifty eight—BzzBzzt—fifty nine fragments of Hina Hikawa’s “Boppin’ to the Groovin’ Zappity Shaboo” playlist to stitch together. Simply arranging the playlist to Hina’s specifications took the better part of Tsugumi’s evening and every time she’d add a few songs Hina would send a handful more.

By the time Tsugumi had cobbled the list together and settled in to listen the sun had long set. Still, it was the perfect accompaniment as she worked on the banner for Himari’s upcoming tennis match versus her self-purported Hanasakigawa rival (Tomoe had tried to do it herself but Ako sent a picture of the Udagawas' glitter glue covered living room and Tsugumi couldn’t help but intervene).

Listening along, Tsugumi could almost feel the connecting line weaving through the songs. Three full Asian Kung Fu Generation albums led into the “Let’s Kung Fu” opening of Monkey Majik’s ‘Around the World’ which led to songs by The Yellow Monkey then led to Yellow Magic Orchestra and four Ryukchi Sakamoto albums to... David Bowie? To the entire muppet treasure island soundtrack?

In other places Hina’s mind jumped like a word association game: ‘Time of Our Lives’ to ‘Hard Times’ to ‘Hard Days Night’. Then she would drift through genres sections of rock music slowly unfurling through post-rock into post-rock jazz fusion and some lovely jazz quartets and then suddenly the playlist was slammed into the ground with a ‘Through the Fire and Flames’ break. It was a roller coaster constantly jerking to the left and right, impossible to settle into. Tsugumi wondered what kind of person one would assume Hina was based on music taste alone. For that matter, what kind of person did Tsugumi assume Hina was based on this avalanche of new information? Every new factoid led to three more questions.

But that was the fun of being around Hina wasn’t? That she was so wonderfully odd and unpredictable. She was like blending a bag of mystery coffee beans, no matter how the flavors seemed they should go together there was always a touch of danger in the possibility of something amazingly new. And Hina couldn’t be tempered with milk and sugar.

As the clock entered the single digit hours, Tsugumi’s body finally gave up trying to keep upright and she fell asleep to the dulcet tones Jizue’s jazz piano with her hands clutched around scraps of puff paint.

And then she woke up an hour later to the less dulcet tones of ‘Party Rock Anthem’. Hina was nothing if not eclectic.

* * *

The rest of the week was uneventful, if only because everyone was occupied. Himari remained a pink blur—rushing from tennis practice in the mornings to tennis practice in the afternoons with a brief nap in the classroom between—and Hina was absent from the Student Council with only the explanation of “make-up idol business” to excuse her. Ran spent time split between fretting over values of various Roselia songs (they apparently had no value even though they kept finding Ran listening to ‘Louder’ on the roof) and flower arranging practice. Tomoe and Moca kept making plans to make plans and then suddenly the week was over and Tsugumi was seated court side wearing her banner like a blanket.

Himari’s tennis matches were always an exciting reminder that Himari played tennis. She’d been playing since middle school but unlike Tomoe’s taiko or Ran’s flower arranging it only ever came up was when Afterglow found themselves forced into physical activity and Himari’s exceptional endurance reminded them she ran suicide sprints three times a week.

Haneoka was so proud of their tennis team—and so flush with cash from tennis playing alumni—that their courts had their own mini stadium with rows of bleachers and enough space that Haneoka and Hanasakigawa students were able to naturally settle into two halves with a sharp line dividing where beige turned to grey. It was just an exhibition match between Haneoka and Hanisakigawa but somehow the low stakes made the match that much more exciting. During the regular season it was frowned upon to loudly cheer at the side of the court, as Himari would often remind Tomoe, so Tsugumi, Tomoe and a mostly asleep Moca took the opportunity to sit as close to the court as possible to make as much noise as possible. Ran had grumbled about having duties at her family’s school but she’d sent a massive flower arrangement in her place.

Himari had insisted they didn’t have to come but long ago they’d learned the hard way that when Himari said ‘it doesn’t matter if you come’ she actually meant was ‘if someone doesn’t come support me I will cry very hard’. Besides, it was fun to see Himari play the cool upperclassman in her tennis skort (how fortunately unfortunate climate change had delivered them a mild winter) showing off practice swings to the first years and glancing back to see if Tomoe was watching. She always was, with the gooey in love grin they both wore so often nowadays.

“Tomo-chin~ you’re gonna get so tiiired if you stand the whole time,” Moca patted the empty folding seat to her right.

Tomoe looked between Himari and the empty chair, weighing her endurance against her desire for a slightly better angle and decided towards conserving her energy. Just as Moca planned. No sooner did Tomoe sit down then Moca latched onto her shoulder.

“My precious pillow returns to me~.”

“I’m waking up you up when the match starts,” Tomoe ruffled Moca’s hair but let her stay put, already back to sleep.

There were a number of matches before Himari’s. Moca spent the first half snuggled on Tomoe’s shoulder, lightly snoring before her body flopped to the left onto Tsugumi’s for the second half. It was always cute in manga when two friends slept on each other but as Tsugumi’s shoulder began to numb she ound the experience mostly very heavy. But she let Moca sleep on, even when Tomoe offered to poke the sleepyhead awake.

Finally, the announcer called the name they were waiting for, “Up next, from Haneoka Girls’ Academy is Himari Uehara!”

“HECK YEAH THAT’S MY GIRL!” Tomoe bellowed in a way that made the entire twelve girl team turn and stare, bewildered.

Himari took the field. She’d forgone her usual pigtails for a high ponytail tucked through the back of her Haneoka green visor tilted at the perfect angle to turn her into the super cool senpai of her dreams. Knowing Himari, she had probably agonized for hours over what exact degree would make her look best. It worked. Watch me, watch me, watch me! Her wiggling shoulders begged, though Tsugumi was proud of her for not looking back.

“Moca-chan,” Tsugumi shook Moca by the shoulder, “Himari-chan’s up.”

“Yaaaay,” Moca droned, her flat voice made flatter by practical unconsciousness.

“Moca-chan!”

“And from Hanasakigawa Girls’ High School: Misaki Okusawa!”

If Moca couldn’t be awoken by love for her childhood friend, the marching band did the trick.

BWAAAAAAAAAAM BRAHM BRAM BRAAAAM.

Moca bolted up, faster than anyone had ever seen her move when food wasn’t involved. All three friends, and the rest of the stadium, pivoted to the blast of noise from the Hanasakigawa section.

“Yay! Misaki! Yay!”

Kokoro Tsurumaki conducted at the front of the full Hanasakigawa brass band: tubas, trumpets, trombones and all the other instruments made of twisted brass and spit that Tsugumi was less familiar with. Conducted may have been too informed a verb. Kokoro was waving her arms at the band in sort of a rhythm and they were playing back in sort of time while the rest of Hello Happy World tried to sort of help. At least they all seemed to be having fun.

Well not Misaki. Misaki was on the court tugging her visor as low as it could possibly go without becoming a blindfold and trying to use her tennis racket as a mask. The band hadn’t played for anyone else and was beginning to settle into a recognizable marching rendition of Smile Orchestra. Tsugumi empathized, if she was suddenly thrust into that sort of public display she would also choose to disapear.

Two familiar women stood behind the band with a third, rockabilly leathers traded for crisp suits. They sent Tsugumi a nod of recognition.The Tsurumakis were powerful indeed.

“So we’re gonna be rivals, I see,” Tomoe rubbed her chin. “Bring it on Kokoro Tsurumaki! Soooooooo—” She paused and looked back at Tsugumi, “psst, get out the banner!”

Tsugumi stuffed the corner of the long cloth in Moca’s still shocked hands and spread out the other end so the colorful banner could be read:

‘Go Himari! Beat the Bear!’ It spelled out in a rainbow of letters. At the end was a little puff paint Michelle with exes for eyes (at Tomoe’s request) and a string of zzzs over her head (at Tsugumi’s addition). Tsugumi was both very embarrassed and very proud of it.

“SooooooooOOOOOOOOIIIIIIYAAAA!! GO BABY!”

The tennis ball rolled out of Himari’s hand just before she served. At least they knew Himari could hear Tomoe over the band.

After a quick reset, the match started with Himari’s serve right into Misaki’s corner.

Tonk!

Misaki returned it with a fervor Tsugumi didn’t usually associate with the part-time mascot, she’d always imagined Misaki was a more lackadaisical person like Moca. That was the kind of person who’d spend most of their time pretending to be a bear right?

Tonk!

Right past Himari’s racket.

“15-love. Okusawa’s advantage.”

Darn, Misaki took the lead off the start, it was easy to psyche Himari out.

“Love huh? That’s so weird. Tennis players are super lonely or something?”

The familiar scent of mint filled Tsugumi’s nose. Two arms draped around her shoulders like the ends of a comforter as familiar teal hair sent static shocks across her cheek. Tsugumi’s heart flipped, “Senpai? I didn’t know you were coming today.”

“Me neither! Kaoru-kun asked me to help out!”

“Help out?”

“Hmm…” Hina’s hair felt like a comfortable broken-in blanket warming Tsugumi’s cheek. “Nope! It’s a surprise.” Her right arm snuck across Tsugumi’s chest. The back of the seat was the only thing keeping Tsugumi from a very public hug.

“Oh~ what’s the president doing with my Tsugu~?” Moca hooked onto the little space available on Tsugumi’s right shoulder.

Hina peeked at Moca from under Tsugumi’s chin. “What are you doing with my vice president?”

Tsugumi gulped. Somehow, she had become the meat in a very dangerous sandwich.

“Go Himari! Beat that bear!” Tomoe’s booming voice interrupted whatever feud was brewing between the two most unknowable people in Tsugumi’s life.

“15-40. Advantage Uehara!” The announcer called.

“Himari-chan! Fight on!” Tsugumi felt a twinge of guilt. She’d missed the turn around for the first game because Hina had gotten a little close.

“Hehe, you’re all rum~rum~rumbly when you yell.” Hina had the miraculous elasticity to nestle into Tsugumi’s clavicle from behind.

“Hina-senpai please…”

Himari’s serve again.

Tonk!

The ball flew to Misaki’s side of net.

Tonk!

Misaki returned the volley with a practiced backhand. Four rounds were more than enough to learn to drown out Kokoro’s brass band, she could finally take the match seriously.

Tonk!

Himari sent the ball back.

Tonk!  
Misaki raised her racket to finish the point and—

“Strike that ball! Strike with all the passion that lies in that beautiful heart my most precious Misaki!”

The ball fell to ground. Misaki’s racket never moved.

Despite the noise of the crowd, Himari’s girlfriend, the twenty person brass ensemble transitioning into ‘Fuwa Fuwa Dreamy Sandwich’, her many years of constant theatrical projection made it easy for Kaoru Seta’s voice to burst through the air above every other sound.

“Game one to Himari Uehara!”

“That’s how we DO IT!”

Tsugumi’s Hina shawl began to unwrap from her shoulders, “Here comes Kaoru-kun!”

Moca and Tsugumi turned in the direction Hina was pointing and gawked.

Kaoru was tearing across the bleachers towards their little section with a little cloud of dust and swooning girls in her wake. She leapt across the last gap like a prize stallion and came to a perfect stop in front of Tsugumi, practically preening. “What ho, dear Afterglow!”

“Seta-senpai, that was fast,” Tsugumi found herself at a lack for suitably eloquent words.

“Thank you Tsugumi-chan, you are as sweet as the coffee you so nobly serve.”

Tsugumi was fairly sure Kaoru had never tasted coffee. “Is it okay for you to be over here? Aren’t you supporting Misaki-chan right now?”

Kaoru flipped her hair back. It was hard to look directly at Kaoru, she dazzled like the sun and forced Tsugumi to squint in much the same way. “Never fear my little kitten. Kokoro understands my loyalties are necessarily split today. I simply cannot choose between my beloved kittens.” The actress reached into her jacket and pulled out a folded paper fan too long to have been comfortable to keep in her inside pocket. With a flick of her wrist, it unfurled to reveal Himari’s smiling face emblazoned across the curve.

“Woah! Senpai!” Tomoe’s attention was finally wrenched from the court. “Where’d you get that?”

“My dear protege, the only place to acquire such goods is Zazzle.com!” Kaoru yanked another fan out, this time covered in Misaki’s exhausted scowl.

“Ooo hoo~” Moca crooned, “Kaoru-senpai is a senpai of culture I see.” Moca was a frequent customer of the print on demand site. Every member of Afterglow had been a victim of her custom orders, typically something very embarrassing printed loudly and unavoidably on a shirt, mug, lampshade and occasionally full bedspread. It had been a while since Tsugumi had specifically been a victim of Moca’s scheming, but the memory of Moca swapping every Hazawa coffee shop mug for ones with her horrible blinking middle school yearbook photo printed across them was still sore in her heart.

Tsugumi was pushed forward as Hina leaned on the back of her seat. “I think I’ve seen one of those before.”

“I have a plethora! I’ve commissioned one for every single one of my cherished admirers!”

“Who’s admiring who?” Tsugumi wondered.

“That’s it!” Hina snapped. “I saw Chisato-chan ripping one up before practice.”

Kaoru choked on the air and quickly covered her sputters with a wave of Himari’s face. “A-as the bard says ‘love’s labors lost.’”

“Ha! Kaoru-kun, that’s a title not a line.”

“A-ah ha! We dare not tarry! This is Himari-chan’s moment, is it not?” Kaoru strode purposefully and distractingly to stand beside Tomoe at the chain link fence. Holding the fan high like a cane that could part the ocean, Kaoru shouted, “Himari-chan! Call forth the strength of your heart and summon it to your mighty, bulbous forearms!”

“K-Kaoru-senpai?” Himari turned to the fence just in time for the tennis ball to completely whiff past her ear.

“Better luck next time!”

The flustered fangirl tried to return to the focus she’d managed in the first game but with every loud: “Riposte with your triumphant spirit!” or “Tarry Not! Parry Not!” the ball and Himari’s attention fled the field.

The second game went to Miaski without a point in the other direction.

“Drat, I sense lady luck wishes this to be a truly egalitarian match. I must take my leave!” Kaoru thrust her paper fan into Tomoe’s confused arms. “Never fear! I will return to you in match three!”

“It’s game three~,” Moca called after Kaoru’s quickly retreating form, much too softly to possibly be heard over the crowd and the brass band’s offensively brash version of Wacha-Mocha-Pettan March.

A warm sound tickled directly into Tsugumi’s ear, Hina’s unpretentious laughter dripping down into the red on her cheeks. “Kaoru-kun is pretty simple, huh.”

“Senpai, that’s not very nice to say,” Tsugumi rubbed at her cheek like her blush was something painted on.

“Hmm?” Hina hummed, lips still posed too close to her vice president’s ear. “But it’s true? She can’t pick between Misaki and Himari, so she doesn’t it! That’s so boppin’ and simple.” Tsugumi could feel Hina’s smile grow, “It’s simply boppin!”

Choosing not to choose when presented with a choice was simple? It seemed endlessly complex to Tsugumi, just the idea of it started to turn her insides. “What about me?”

“You’re not simple at all. You’d agonize over a choice like that.” Hina pulled away from Tsugumi’s side and from somewhere behind with a voice that sounded far away said. “Just like my sister.”

She wanted to know what Hina looked like when those words fell out of her but as fast as Tsugumi could turn, she could only catch that default cheerful smile loitering on Hina’s face lit by the late afternoon sun. “Senpai—”

“Hello, hello, Moca-chan is still here~,” a scruffy silver head rubbed against Tsugumi’s resting hand, a cat suddenly remembering she wanted attention.

On instinct, Tsugumi’s hand rolled into her friend’s hair, petting small circles. “Moca-chan, I didn’t forget you.” She had, just a little. Hina’s situational unawareness was contagious.

“Flirting is fun but if you leave out little Moca-chan she’ll cry.”

Tsugumi’s fingernails dug sharply into Moca’s head.

“Ow!” Moca pulled away with a look of betrayal to rub her poor noggin.

“Heheheheh,” Hina cackled so hard she doubled over, “You guys are great. We should hang out more.” Hina snapped her fingers, “Are you going to Sis’ concert tonight?”

“Moca-chan might make an appearance, if she can make time in her very busy social calendar. Tomo-chin and Hii-chan always go for Ako-chin too.”

“Shoopit. I’ll see you there”

 _I want you to hear me._ Sayo’s tired face lit gently by the morning sun flashed through Tsugumi’s mind. “Sayo invited me so… I’ll be there.”

“No way!” Hina leaned in close, “You’re so lucky. Sis never asks me to come, but she doesn’t chase me out anymore!” The younger Hikawa laughed again. “She must really like you, Tsugu-chan.”

Tonk! Cahthang! The tennis ball smashed into the fence just centimeters from Tomoe’s face. Back on the court, Misaki glared daggers at Kaoru, climbing more than half way up the Hanasakigawa end of the fence and serenading her friend with a passionate fight song. On the other side, Himari spun excitedly, pumping her racket up and down.

“Game three to Himari Uehara.”

“Senpai—” Tsugumi was immediately cut off by Hina pointing down along the fence.

“Oh! Here comes Kaoru-kun!”

There came Kaoru indeed, scuttling along the top of the four meter high fence like a crab trapped in a net with eerie speed. Somehow, even with her long limbs bent and reaching ridiculously around one another she still looked elegant. Maybe even a little cool. “I have returned to you!” Clinging to the fence with her feet and knees, Kaoru grabbed the sides of her pressed white school uniform shirt and ripped them apart—buttons flying to the ground—to reveal a T-shirt completely covered in different Himari faces.

Himari didn’t bother to even pretend she could remain focused on the match.

“Zazzle.com had a special, huh?” Tomoe grumbled, her eyebrows twitching down towards irritated.

“If you buy in bulk you get a discount!”

“It’s true~.”

“Aoba-san understands!”

“Aoba-san!?” Tomoe turned to Tsugumi in shared shock. Not even teachers called Moca by her last name.

Kathunk. The seat beside Tsugumi buckled as Hina hopped over it to get a better look at Kaoru’s precarious alignment. “This is the shoobiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Thank you Hina!”

“You’re welcome!” Hina called up through hands cupped around her mouth. “And you’re stuck.”

“I assure you all I am not trapped! I am merely uncertain of how to begin my descent!” Kaoru laughed but her eyes were wide with the same sort of manic terror Tsugumi felt during thunderstorms.

The student council president grabbed the links of the fence with the same ‘very good, very bad’ idea glint in her eyes Tsugumi had tried to tame so many times after school, “I’ll shake you down.”

“PLEASE DO—”

“Senpai no!” Tsugumi lunged out of her seat for Hina’s shoulders but the shaking had already begun.

“—N-N-N-N-OT!” Kaoru clung to the green chain link fence, three meters in the air, as if her life depended on the strength in her arms. Unfortunately for her life, there was no strength in those arms. If Hina Hikawa wanted her to fall down, she was going to fall down.

Tsugumi’s arms clamped down around Hina’s just barely too late to save Kaoru from her fate. They all watched in slow motion as first her left hand lost it’s place. Then both of her feet slipped from the links and poor Kaoru Seta was left dangling in the air, held aloft only by a single noodle arm that had never known a push up it could complete.

She fell quickly. Her all around print t-shirt of Himari’s smiling face fluttered like the most useless parachute ever devised.

All Tsugumi could do was bear witness to the end of Kaoru Seta.

“Oof. Careful Senpai, that’s pretty dangerous.”

Fortunately, Tomoe had a lifetime of experience catching children with a predilection for climbing high and falling quickly.

“Thank you,” Kaoru hoarsely squeaked, scrambling at Tomoe’s shirt for some sense of security. She coughed, suddenly remembering herself and her audience. “You have my deepest gratitude fair Tomoe, what boon can I grant you?”

“Stop printing things with my girlfriend’s face on them.”

The severity in Tomoe’s voice and the sharp glare in her eyes made everyone else forget how to breath. Tomoe was just under 170 cm of muscles and Himari-mania. Kaoru grew paler in Tomoe’s iron grip than she had up on the fence.

“Tomoe-chan,” Tsugumi called out softly.

“Huh?” Tomoe glared subconsciously in her friends’ direction.

Moca waved sleepily, “Tomo-chin, you have your angry face on.”

Tomoe’s face melted into innocent confusion, “S-sorry!” With a quick tilt, Kaoru was set back on the ground, “I-I meant unless you make me one. It’s not fair if you have all the cool Himari stuff, ya know?”

“Of course, my dear Tomoe,” Kaoru placed her hand over her heart and bowed like she was in the royal court and not at the tennis court paying no attention to the distracted game behind them. “I am but member number 2 of the Himari Uehara fan club. You are the founder.”

“So can I have that T-shirt?”

“Kiss already!” Shouted someone in the distance who sounded an awful lot like she should be paying more attention to her tennis game.

TONK.

“Game four to Misaki Okusawa!”

At this rate Himari wouldn’t stand a chance. They were tied two games to two and if Tsugumi’s memory served a player needed two wins in a row to win the set.

With her usual flourish returned, Kaoru flung off her Himari shirt—revealing the Misaki covered shirt underneath—and tossed it to Tomoe. “All yours, my friend.” She pivoted, “Hina! I require your assistance, the grand finale draws close!”

“You got it!” Hina bounced after Kaoru, sending one last wink Tsugumi’s way.

It felt like air was filling her lungs for the first time all match. Tsugumi sat back down with a deep sigh. She did not go unnoticed.

“So… are you dating Hina-senpai?”

Moca was watching the game with open eyes and an attention she never granted any of their extra-curricular activities. Her fingers picked at her jacket zipper, flicking it up and down with a light click. She didn’t care to be the last to know something, particularly about Tsugumi.

“I don’t know.” She didn’t. There was supposed to be a conversation or a plan for a second date or something other than a thousand text messages and a confusing level of physical affection and—

“Do you want to be dating?”

The ghosts of remembered sensations flit through Tsugumi’s mind. An arm around her shoulders. Squeaking heels across a stage. Sparkling laughter in her ear. A hand pulling her forward. The flash of green-gold eyes. A soft sound in a morning sun lit bedroom.

“…I think so.”

Moca looked up at the few clouds floating lazily across the sky and said, so quietly Tsugumi almost imagined it, “You can talk to me.”

The instinct to make excuses disappeared when Moca placed her hand on top of Tsugumi’s, their small hands perfectly mirrored. Tsugumi’s chest hurt, upsetting Moca always hurt the worst. “I’m sorry. I know.”

“Fu fu,” Moca sunk their fingers together, her eyes slinking back to their comfortable squint, the serious interruption abandoned before Moca could lose herself in sincerity. “So Moca-chan’s precious little Tsugu is being stolen away by a lascivious trickster. Moca-chan thought it’d be the stuffy lady knight who’d win our fair maiden but~ alas.”

Tsugumi flipped their hands so their palms were touching and gave her best friend a little squeeze. Moca was back to making no sense, all was right with the world.

Tonk!

“Let’s go! Let’s go! HiiiiiMARI!” Tomoe waved the Himari t-shirt like a flag as Himari slammed the ball across the net.

“15-40, advantage Uehara.”

Moca raised their joined hands in a one curve wave, “Hii-chan fight~”

“Himari-chan! You’re almost there!”

On the field Himari pumped her fist, one, two, three, four, five times. Once for all of Afterglow. Surely, even back in the flower school Ran could feel their bond.

Tonk!

Ball served to the right.

Tonk!

Returned to the left.

Tonk!

Right!

Tonk!

Left!

Tonk!

Right!

KaTONK!  
“Game goes to Uehara. Uehara has advantage three to two.”

“Yes!” Himari on the court and Tomoe at the fence pumped their fists in unison.

Himari was so close to winning. One more win and… one more win and…

Tsugumi turned in quiet terror to the Hanasakigawa side of the stadium. There they were, two grey shadows hurrying towards disaster: Kaoru and Hina jogging their way to the tune of an exhausted band still loyally playing ‘Smiling Sing-a-Song’. There was an angel on Tsugumi’s one shoulder claiming it was only fair to let both Himari and Misaki suffer Kaoru’s distraction and there was a devil on the other insisting she had to get Kaoru to turn around by any means necessary.

The devil loved her friends more than the angel loved fair play.

Tsugumi stood up, forcing her hand from Moca’s. “I’ve got to go.”

Moca followed Tsugumi’s line of sight with widening eyes, “You’re Hii-chan’s only hope Tsugu.”

A solemn, determined nod served as Tsugumi’s promise. She spun around and power walked a blazing path straight for the effervescent thespian and her impish companion. “Seta-senpai! Stop!”

Kaoru slowed to a stop in front of Tsugumi’s outstretched arms. Her hand settled on her chin with inquisitive frown, “Dear Tsugumi-chan, whatever is the matter?”

“You can’t leave Misaki-chan’s side!” If there was a bad place, Tsugumi would have to accept her place there. Her voice wavered, “I-it’s not fair. Himari-chan has three friends cheering for her already, if you and Hina-senpai come over here the ratio will be completely skewed against Misaki-chan.”

Green-gold eyes twinkled behind Kaoru as the actress confirmed via her fingers that five was really bigger than three. Hina could easily see the reason behind Tsugumi’s sudden concern for Misaki’s morale but would she say anything?

Once Kaoru was confident her math was correct she said, “In that case Hina will promptly return to Misaki’s side and I will see my sweet little kitten to her victory—or lose as I AM impartial. We must make haste—”

Panic and instinct mixed together in Tsugumi’s heart and shot out her hand. Her fingers wrapped around Hina’s hand and tugged. “Senpai! Please come with me.”

Without stopping to see if Kaoru would follow, Tsugumi pulled Hina along the rows of bleachers. With every gossiping student they passed, her blush deepened but the student council vice president only tightened her grip on the back of Hina’s hand, the ridge of Hina’s knuckles pressing comfortably into her palm.

Tonk!

“Tsugu-chan!” Hina slowed to a drag as they approached their seats. “That was the most boppin’ you’ve ever been.”

Tsugumi let Hina pull them to a stop and turned to face her upperclassman. Hina’s eyes had never been so bright. It made her stomach churn. “I-I’ve never felt so guilty in my life.”

“You’re a bit of a boppin’ badass, huh?”

“I guess, one time Himari-chan offered me a cookie and I accidentally took two but I bought her a whole pack to make up for it and—”

Suddenly, Tsugumi couldn’t talk anymore.

It was so quick and it lasted forever. In one instant there was Hina Hikawa, teenage genius, professional idol, student council president. In the next there was nothing in Tsugumi’s vision but an ocean with sun dancing across her and the pressure of her waves crashing against Tsugumi’s lips. Tsugumi's whole being felt light as if she could be swept away at any moment, lost forever to this sea if it weren’t for the hand still tethering her to land.

Tonk!

And then Hina was back, beaming as if Tsugumi had just shared with her the most wonderful secret in the world. And there was Tsugumi, her hand fleeing from Hina’s to her mouth as if trying to keep the memory of her very first (very public) actual kiss from falling out.

There was no ocean, only the Haneoka tennis courts.

Words stumbled out of Tsugumi’s mouth in one jumbled, “Thankyouverymuch.” Then her waist snapped forward and she bowed as deep as she could before quickly and mechanically turning around and sprinting to her seat.

No matter how hard she tried later, Tsugumi couldn’t remember a single thing about the rest of the match.

According to Tomoe and Moca’s retelling on the way home, Himari immediately lost the game, totally distracted by something more engrossing than Kaoru could have ever been. It didn’t matter though because as soon as the tie breaker game began Kaoru started her firework filled grand finale featuring an acrobatics performance by Kokoro. As the exhausted brass band began the chorus of High Five Adventure, Kokoro managed to flying round house kick one of the bottle rockets directly into a tuba. The player was fine, the tuba was not. Misaki, reportedly, cried a single, tired tear.

Needless to say, the rest of the exhibition was canceled.

Yet for all the ruckus and disaster the tennis match had become, the only thing on Tsugumi’s mind and lips was the taste of sea salt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience everyone! Let's get this party train rolling again.
> 
> Chapter title taken from a line in the song 'Are You Satisfied?'


	7. To the Core I'm a Carnivore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks to DivineNoodles for betaing this one for me and being an all around rockstar.

There was an oppressive amount of mirrors in the CiRCLE dressing room. Some mirrors were reasonable; how could one dress without a mirror after all? That was the purpose of such a space, but did it need three walls of them? Even if a waiting musician sat at the central table instead of preening at the counter they were still forced to reckon with their own reflection from three directions. It was suffocating.

It _had_ been suffocating, Sayo supposed it was more of a light irritation now. There had been so many days when Sayo looked in the mirror and saw nothing but Hina Hikawa staring back at her. So much was the same. The same teal hair. The same green-gold eyes. The same ears that jutted out just a little too far. The same long and slender fingers, perfect for playing music. But not now. Now, there was no mistaking her own face in the mirror.

Sayo poked at her skin, leaning over the counter to stare her own reflection in the eyes. Her left thumb and forefinger pushed along her cheeks, pressing with just enough pressure to hurt slightly along her cheekbones. The pretend smile she forced her lips into wouldn’t fool anyone. How did she ever mistake her face for her sister’s? Hina’s face always sat in a smile, Sayo’s fell into a frown. It wasn’t a reflection of character; she still had to remind herself of that every time she caught a glimpse of her own sullen face in a window. Some wounds healed slower than others.

Roselia’s guitarist breathed in and out with practiced calming breaths. She had never been nervous before a show. There was no reason to be nervous before a show: she could trust in her own skill. If she performed poorly it was because she hadn’t prepared well enough, there was no purpose to worrying over it.

But tonight her heart was rioting.

Sayo pulled down her eyelid: her eyes weren’t bloodshot. Her tongue wasn’t clammy. Her nose wasn’t runny. She felt no sign of sickness and she could see no hidden hints to the contrary in the mirror. It was as if her heart had simply decided it was going to run a marathon without the rest of her body participating.

Sayo adjusted the miniature flower arrangement attached to her head that she had long grown past discomfort with. She would have to live with the new drumline in her chest.

“Sayo~.”

Her reflection gained a companion. Lisa cozied up to Sayo’s shoulder in the sort of playful manner that would have been unimaginable a year prior. But now the physical presence was comforting. As was the cookie pressed into Sayo’s hand.

“Don’t stare too much or you’ll get wrinkles,” Lisa laughed.

Sayo’s frown deepened. “is that true?”

“Probably not.” Lisa turned around and seated herself on the mirror’s counter. The tips of her shoes dangled just above the ground. “What’s on your mind?”

It was quite the question. Sayo nipped the side of the pale cookie in her hand: lemon, delicious. Her eyes wandered away from the mirror and Lisa, over Rinko and Ako chatting and Yukina practicing. There’d been a time when their preshow ritual was total silence. It was good those days had passed.

Lisa mistook her quiet reflection for hesitation, “Are you still thinking about last weekend?”

Sayo thought back to barely a week before in the side booth of Hazawa Coffee. The way Lisa and Yukina so naturally fell together as they sat down. How the color drained out of Yukina’s face and onto Lisa’s cheeks as Sayo relayed the intimate moment she’d witnessed. How grateful she was that Tsugumi had helped her sort out her complicated feelings. The explanation Lisa offered for their carelessness:

_“It’s not something we planned or thought out, Sayo. It’s just something that happened.”_

It was just something that happened? What an unthinkable concept. People did things; things didn’t happen on their own. Cause and effect. The cause: teen hormones. The effect: endless stress. Though since Sayo’s discovery, the new couple had committed to playing things as coolly as possible. Perhaps too cooly as they had barely so much as walked next to each other the previous week. They seemed committed to keeping their distance and shooting furtive glances at one another. At least, Lisa’s glances were furtive, Yukina looked more like a confused and lost kitten. Rinko was bound to find out soon. The absence of affection was much more conspicuous than its abundance.

But no, it wasn’t Yukina and Lisa’s secret making Sayo’s heart race. Slowly, after much longer than was polite to respond, Sayo shook her head.

“I’m glad.” Lisa’s shoulders relaxed.

“Imai-san, have you been worried?”

Nails rolled against the counter. “Just a little.”

Sayo’s face fell, “I wouldn’t tell anyone.” Except the person she’d already told but that was Tsugumi. She was trustworthy.

“Oh! No,” Lisa hurried to assure Sayo she’d misunderstood, “I thought you were still upset, maybe?”

“I was shocked but,” Sayo struggled to find reassuring words, “it’s fine, Imai-san.”

Even if it wasn’t the perfect thing to say, Lisa’s broad smile told Sayo it worked. Sayo was glad. A little confused too, but that was becoming more and more common for Sayo. The world was filled with many new questions. Mostly about her elevated heart rate.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Sayo bowed her head and turned, “I’d like to practice some before our set.”

She was halfway to her guitar across the room when Lisa called out, frowning at her phone. “Sayo, do you have your phone on you?”

Sayo’s brow furrowed. “It’s in my bag. Why?”

Lisa snapped out of whatever had drawn her attention, “J-just wanted to know the time!”

“…but you’re holding your phone?”

“Ahaha, that’s true isn’t it?”

Sometimes, Lisa truly confused Sayo. Before she could ask anything else, the little TV pumping the video feed from the floor into the dressing room from just beside the door crackled to life.

“What’s up CiRCLE?! It’s your girls...”

“...Guinevere!”

CiRCLE was the kind of venue that seemed massive until you went literally anywhere else in the world. It wasn’t that the live house was small—at worst it was medium sized—but in the middle of a good show with a full crowd packed and writhing and just feeling the music it became the whole world. When the only lights were on the stage it meant there was nothing for the senses to hold onto but sound, heat, and mystical kinship of forced proximity.

But that kinda magical shit only happened at least three acts deep and Guinevere was band number two so they only got a polite rumble of greeting rolling through a crowd sparser than the crown of a middle aged man’s head. The crowd was mostly made up of friends and family of the band on stage. It was too early for anyone only casually interested in the headliner and the Roselia fans serious about snagging a good standing spot were only just starting to trickle in and fill out the gaps in the audience.

Except for Afterglow.

Ran would never ask that her four best friends join her at the venue so early in the show that the sound check had barely wrapped by the time they arrived but they came almost straight from Himari’s tennis match anyway. Why be apart when they could be together? Moca had personally navigated Tsugumi’s dazed form from the stadium, steering her friend like a broken shopping cart with eyes still unfocused and a hand that couldn’t stop touching her lips. That sort of physical task should have been Tomoe’s territory, but a certain someone was still wearing her new Himari T-Shirt, and the featured girl wasn’t about to let Tomoe forget how gallant her ‘Kaoru-senpai rescue’ had been.

Bleeeeeeeh.

Moca Aoba was not a fan of arriving unfashionably early. If she had it her way they’d burst in halfway through ‘Louder’ doing cool kick flips and wheelies and everyone would be so shocked and stunned by their absolute coolness. But that’d be pretty rude to Lisa, and Ako worked really hard, and none of them even owned a skateboard or a bike or one of those sick trick scooters. She would’ve settled for arriving just five minutes before Roselia went live.

But instead, they’d already waited through the opener, some new band with a violin and a bunch of freshman from some fancy rich girl school that wore Moca out halfway through their name, and now:

“Do we seriously have to stand through two more Roselia cover bands?” Ran grumbled, rolling her eyes with the full force of her inner hipster.

“That’s not fair, Guinevere’s not a Roselia cover band,” Tomoe gestured with arms draped around Himari’s shoulders towards the stage where four girls dressed in their gothic finest began to belt out power ballads about their feelings, “they just look, act, and sound exactly the same but a little worse.”

“Okay fine, Guinevere is like store brand Roselia. But Magnolie is a freakin’ cover band.”

Moca grinned, “Have empathy for Magnolie~. Always chasing Roselia’s shadow. Like someone else we know.”

“Don’t compare me to these posers.”

Tomoe snorted. “Did you just unironically say posers?”

“I hear Magnolie switched up their sound,” Himari added from the inside of Tomoe’s arms. “Apparently, they’re totally different now.”

“Babe, their name is still Magnolie.”

Someone was missing from the conversation. There was Tomoe using Himari as a pillow and Himari using Tomoe as a blanket. There was Ran impatiently crossing and uncrossing her arms as she glared at the stage. And of course, the one and only Moca Aoba weaving between her friends like the Gordian’s rope before it became the knot. Which only left…

“Tsugu~ are you still with the class?”

…Tsugumi Hazawa, unsubtly searching around the room for someone with bright eyes, teal hair, and terrible timing. She still hadn’t shook the look of sweet confusion since Hina… Hina’d all over her mouth. Moca couldn’t decide if she was mad at or impressed with Hina’s nerve. It’d all sit on what the student council president did next. And if she actually showed up.

Tsugumi’s attention snapped back to Moca with an embarrassed stumble over her words, “Sorry I—I was just…”

“Hina-senpai will come soon, I’m sure~,” Moca looped her arm through Tsugumi’s and cuddled as close as she’d let herself. She eyed the crumpled ticket in Tsugumi’s hand as she nestled into Tsugumi’s shoulder. The word COMP was stamped in red across the top. Tsugumi’s fingers tightened.

Technically, all of them could get comped Roselia tickets from Ako or Lisa, but Ran took paying as a matter of pride and there was a certain point (around the ninth time) where asking for a comp got uncool. But just being given one? Given one by Sayo ‘the only thing I feel is the stick in my butt’ Hikawa? That was something else, something with _meaning_ and _implication._ Unfortunately, Hina made sure Sayo’d lost the game before she even realized she was playing.

Tsugumi was well liked by the Hikawas indeed.

“I wasn’t…” Tsugumi started, trailing off as it was apparent she was.

Ran’s back stiffened. Her glare turned sideways, misaimed at a poor underclassman left wondering how she’d pissed off Afterglow’s singer, “If she doesn’t, I’m gonna fight her.”

“You’ll have to get in line,” Tomoe threatened, though the effect was lessened by how her chin rocked back and forth on Himari’s head in time to the music. Moca didn’t feel the need to add her own voice. Ran and Tomoe could make themselves feel better with empty threats butwhen the time came, Moca would make sure what needed to get done got done.

Himari craned her neck around Tomoe to catch Moca’s eye. She glanced at her phone, then up at Moca, back down, back up. Moca understood Himari perfectly the first time but she let Himari repeat the look five more times before finally looking at her own phone and the new message notification from their secret ‘no Tsugu so we can worry about Tsugu’ group chat. Moca slid her phone open and—

Shit.

Guinevere's bubbly goth singer leaned into the mic. “That was our song…”

“…Softer! Next up we have…”

Sayo could barely hear the staticky voices over the sound of her guitar humming through her headphones. Not that she had a particular interest in listening to… who were they? She couldn’t remember. Sayo was vaguely aware that she was supposed to feel bad about not remembering but the space in her brain for common courtesy was filled with the badum badum dum of her own heart.

Practice wasn’t helping. Routine normally numbed out any emotional anomaliesSayo felt but still her heart beat on, louder and louder, as her fingers drifted from their memorized notes to riff on four she’d only learned a few weeks prior.

1, 2, 3, 4.

Would Hazawa-san come?

The thought appeared in Sayo’s mind, prompted by echo of Tsugumi’s notes. On a practical level, it didn’t matter if she did or didn’t come. The show would play out exactly the same regardless of Tsugumi’s attendance. It was impossible for Sayo to know if she was there anyway, looking into the crowd from the stage was as blinding as staring into the sun.

_I want you to hear me._

What a thing to say, like she was a child demanding praise. Sayo scolded herself over it all week, every day since she last saw Tsugumi. She’d simply been too busy—too embarrassed—to stop by the shop and there was band practice anyway and Tsugumi was probably busy anyway and what did it matter they were just casual friends and—

Sayo pressed her hand into her chest, certain she would feel the skin rising where her heart was trying to break free of her body. The thumping filled her ears. Could she always hear her heartbeat? Did Sayo’s thoughtful brain merely filter out the constant repetitious noise so she could keep her sanity in check? Was it the sudden silence in the dressing room forcing the sound to the forefront of her eardrums?

The room had been filled with Ako and Rinko’s chatter but a quick look around revealed they had joined Lisa in staring down at their phones, thumbs blazing at the keys.

“Imai-san?” Sayo reached out tentatively.

Lisa didn’t respond. Her eyes were glued to her phone, fingers typing faster than Sayo could process. Sayo had never been any good with her phone, but she never felt like less of a teen girl than when Lisa demonstrated her cellular expertise. Sayo’s mother had always called her an old soul but she felt like a literal grandmother in comparison.

Sayo’s frown deepened.“Imai-san.”She called out a little louder.

Finally, Lisa snapped to attention. “Eh?”

“Imai-san. Are you okay?”

“Y-yes! Why wouldn’t I be fine?” Lisa dunked her phone into her purse and zipped it shut.

“Shirokane-san and Udagawa-san are occupied as well, are you sure there’s not something—”

“Everything’s great Sayo-san!” Ako jumped into the conversation and to her feet, “Rinrin is just helping me with…um…”

Rinko eyes didn’t leave her phone. “A preshow…… summoning…… ritual.”

“A pre. Show. Summoning. Ritual,” Roselia’s drummer cackled, the world swirling with imagined dark magicks around her. “Of course, the only way to ensure Roselia’s continued success as the single greatest band in the whole world is to—”

“The only way to ensure our success is practice, Udagawa-san.”

“Ahhahaha yes! But it doesn’t help to practice the dark arts right?”

“On your phones?”

Ako turned her wide, wild, and lost eyes to Rinko. The pianist’s thumbs drummed on her phone louder faster than any roll Ako had ever managed on her snare. Sayo was tempted to suggest they switch instruments right as Rinko stopped and murmured, “…….yes. …it’s an app.”

And that was the end of the conversation. What strange people Sayo had come to share her life with.

“Softer! Our love is like a soapy loofah…”

“…won’t you lather up my feelings!”

It was getting hard to find space on the floor. A proper pit was it’s own organism, growing like a fungus to fill any empty space with a homegrown thrashing body. The demographics of CiRCLE weren’t really the types to start a mosh pit, but the beginnings of that special sort of manic energy buzzed through the crowd,growing from person to person in a feedback loop of close quarters and blown speakers.

Yet, Kaoru Seta found an excess of space to twirl in.Moca beelined for the purple beacon of chivalry as soon as she’d seen her bobbing through the crowd and half dragged her towards the back—though the back of the crowd quickly pushed them forward so they landed somewhere in the middle. Moca had never been in such close proximity to her best friends’ weird third-wheel crush and she suddenly found she had to admit there was something magnetic about the oversized horse girl. If Kaoru decided she needed to occupy the space around Moca’s shoulders too, that’d be fine.

“I shall assist you with jocular enthusiasm, Aoba-san!” Kaoru swept her bangs back with the tips of her fingers before dipping into a low and unnecessary bow. She was an awful lot usually but in the low floor lights and the intoxicating haze of a live show Kaoru was suddenly exactly the correct amount.

If there was some alternate universe out there where Moca had been born tall and handsome instead of average and squirrely she imagined she’d try to evoke a similar absurdity to Kaoru.

“You’re welcome to assist with normal enthusiasm~,” Moca eyed the moony eyed girls around them creeping ever closer to their beloved Kaoru-senpai. Maybe the crowd wasn’t growing, it was just closing in. “Or no enthusiasm at all~ as long as you’re helping.”

Kaoru rose with red eyes sparkling with the sort of sincerity only held by the clueless. “If one of my little kittens finds herself in peril, do I not have a duty, nay, an obligation to help her in anyway I can?”

“It’s just like Moca-chan said, if you see it on someone’s phone nab it~.” Kaoru would help. Himari and Lisa were enlisting their web of teen girl contacts to the cause. Tomoe and Ran were off putting their stubborn faces to good use and Tsugumi would never, ever know anything. They’d handle it.

“I shall, and I’m certain once my sacchariferous kittens hear they will be certain to help as well.”

“Senpai~ you know what they say about assumptions~.”

“Ah ha,” Kaoru’s eyes rolled to the sides of their sockets as she scoured her brain, “It is… as such… just so. Is it not?”

“Exaaaactly~” Moca droned, letting her usual grin grow along her lips. “You get it.”

“I do?” The prince quickly swapped her confusion for confidence, truly a role model, “I do!”

“So you also get that it is very, very important you do not tell Tsugumi.”

“Of course! Though I doubt I’ll see her,” Kaoru laughed, the girls behind her leaned in like they could capture the sound in their hands. “I’m to meet my dearest—” she stumbled, “Dearest platonic companion, Chisato. So I must absquatulate!”

“Bye~.” Moca waved as Kaoru slowly inched and wiggled into the crowd, quickly consumed and absorbed into the mass.

All Moca had to do was get back to Tsugumi.

The set was nearing its end. The crowd was growing close to capacity. Each dark head and hidden face could be swapped for the one next to it without any noticeable difference. It wasn’t a crowd of individuals: it was a brand new creature.

And all Moca had to do was pick out one, specific person.

The poor man’s Yukina on the stage gripped her microphone in excited hands and yelped. “One last song! How’s the GuiniGang doing out there?”

Whoever the ‘GuiniGang’ was supposed to be, they weren’t on the floor that night. The band was met with a piddling drop of applause and one very loud and familiar voice who seemed to be calling out not “whoo” but “who?” Guinevere’s misfortune was Moca’s gain. As the singer on stage sighed a little too close to the mic, Moca’s ears twitched and focused in on a determinedly supportive and familiar sound.

CaClap CaClap CaClap CaClap!

A comfortable smile filled Moca’s face. Tsugumi always clapped in perfect 8th notes.

CaClap CaClap

CaClap CaClap.

Somehow, without ever noticing it happened, Tsugumi found herself completely alone on the floor.

Well, not completely alone: throughout Guinevere’s set the crowd had filled out until Tsugumi found herself shoulder to shoulder with people familiar only in their unfamiliarity. Her thoughts had been so far away from CiRCLE it was no wonder she didn’t notice how she drifted off from her friends. Her feet remembered to keep her body upright, her hands remembered to clap when appropriate, but her mind was only filled with green-gold eyes and how those fingers had drifted across her cheek and the way Hina licked her lips when she pulled away and—

The heat from her cheeks was enough to raise the temperature of the live house before adding in the suffocating body heat of several hundred teenagers. Tsugumi regretted always wearing sweaters. If she was going to be so flustered all the time, maybe it was time to switch to an entirely camisole based wardrobe. What would Hina think of that? Boppin’ probably. She always called Tsugumi boppin’, or zappin’ or one of the other “in’” words that rolled out of her mouth with meanings only concocted by Hina. But boppin’ was good. It was like Tsuguriffic: even if she didn’t understand it, she had to trust it was meant with love.

Tsugumi jerked back into girl behind her as the ‘l word’ entered her mind. “Sorry! Sorry.”

Hina had kissed her. So she liked her.

Tsugumi had kissed her back. So she liked her back.

They couldn’t have kissed if they didn’t like each other. That was how it worked. It wasn’t complicated. But still, everything was just… confused. If Hina liked her, where was she? She’d said she’d be at the show, but here Tsugumi was and Hina wasn’t. No matter the crowd, Tsugumi was sure Hina couldn’t hide in it. Hina couldn’t hide anywhere.

Tsugumi’s eyes searched anyway. No Hina, no friends. Her heart rate climbed. She didn’t have a problem with crowds in particular but the heat was crawling up to her head and her lungs were starting to struggle. Leaving wasn’t an option. Sayo had asked her to come. Her breath came a little easier at the thought of her kindly friend. Imploring green-gold eyes always looking a little down. For Sayo, she would stay.

“Tsugumi-chan!”

She turned as much as she could in a packed crowd. The voice belonged to one of her familiar cafe regulars but it didn’t match the girl nudging her way into Tsugumi’s space, snapback tilted up to show off the pink bear sewn into the brim.

“Misaki-chan?

“Oh, uh,” Misaki stumbled around her words in her usual calm droll, “hey Hazawa-san.”

“Tsugumi-chan!” Kanon scooted into the space beside Misaki, keeping their hands tightly interlocked together as they did. “Are you here alone?”

Tsugumi chuckled wearily, “It seems that’s what happened…”

“Yeah… that happens here doesn’t it? We were supposed to meet up with Chisato-chan and Karou-san but you know,” Kanon shrugged at the crowd, “I’d be lost without Misaki-chan.”

“It’s fine.” From the look on Misaki’s face it seemed she wouldn’t mind holding hands with Kanon the whole night.

“Um, Tsugumi-chan, I wanted to let you know, I think you and Hina-chan make a cute couple!”

“I—um—I,” Tsugumi floundered, only saved from stumbling into another girl by Misaki’s Kokoro-trained reflexes. Kanon had been on the opposite end of the field when Hina…did _that_. Did everyone there see? Tsugumi longed to step back into the crowd and disappear. “T-thank you.” She needed the topic to change as quickly as possible. “I didn’t realize you two were fans of Roselia.”

Misaki shrugged, “Actually, we’re here for Magnolie.”

Tsugumi frowned curiously. “Really? Aren’t they,” she remembered what Ran said, “a Roselia cover band?”

“Oh no,” Misaki rubbed the back of her neck with a tired smile. “They just switched to EDM.”

“Misaki-chan, you wanted to get closer before they started right?” Kanon bowed her head quickly to Tsugumi, “it’s good to see you, I’ll be by the cafe soon!” Kanon waved as she tugged her girlfriend forward and pushed them into the ever shifting mob around Tsugumi to get a better spot for—

“Wait!” Tsugumi shouted too late for Misaki or Kanon to answer, “What’s…

…EDM, the future of music. Behold the power of technology.”

Once upon a time Magnolie had been a three piece gothic rock trio. They’d tried their best to keep up with Roselia, a band that had never once acknowledged they’d existed, in their lacy skirts and extravagant headgear and big songs about birds and feelings. Moca had seen them play a few times, she remembered about as much about them as she did Guinevere, which is to say that until tonight she had thought they were the same band.

She wouldn’t make that mistake again.

At the center of the stage, the three members of Magnolie, clad in baggy self titled neon t-shirts and glasses with shutter shades instead of lenses, huddled around a Macbook. Three green follow spots swept over the crowd before halting on the stage and combining to become the single glowing focal point in the room. The audience hung in suspended animation, even Moca paused as she pushed through the crowd to listen.

“Get off the stage you cover band!” A voice Moca would recognize anywhere shouted

The middle Magnolie snatched up the microphone and hissed, “We are NOT a Roselia cover band. We do EDM now it is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!” She swooped back her crimped bangs as her cohorts tried to comfort her. “Prepare your bodies to be…”

In unison, the three Magnolie girls lifted their index fingers to point at the center of the green beam of light. Then, in one inappropriately dramatic flair, they swooped their finger down onto the laptop’s spacebar.

“…Magnolinized.”

The speakers exploded with sound. A drum loop simultaneously too aggressive and too cowardly punctured Moca’s eardrums. She wasn’t anti-EDM but she was sure as hell anti-whatever the hell this was.

Yet, the crowd disagreed. How quickly they’d pivoted from polite amusement into baby ravers. The only thing keeping the girls from letting loose were the low floor lights still on and threatening to expose any foolhardy dancing to the whole world.

A vocal loop so distorted it lost whatever meaning it once had joined the loop as the sound repeated higher and faster over and over and over and over.

Moca slipped through the micro spaces between people; all air was fair game for Moca Aoba. She could see the familiar bobbing brown head nervously trying to fit in in a suddenly new situation. But before Moca could reach Tsugumi something ripped through the crowd like a boulder thrown into a fountain.

A rush of murmurs hit Moca from all sides, all at once. A dozen whispers of ‘senpai’, ‘president’ and ‘up there’ spread through the crowd like a virus, one person infecting the next. Moca didn’t need to look up to know exactly where Hina Hikawa was, but she did anyway.

The queen in her box. Caesar in the coliseum. The student council president at the second floor balcony rail.

There was the right thing to do, and there was the thing Moca was going to do.

Moca slunk backwards, away from Tsugumi and towards the stairs in the back as the bass dropped…

…and the room went black. Every light, floor and stage, immediately extinguished and for a hanging moment every one of Tsugumi’s senses were replaced by the overwhelming, pounding sound of the electronic dance beat.

Womp. Womp. Womp. Womp.

Then arching black lights stuttered on, swinging over the crowd in narrow beams transforming them into a crowd of leaping, hollering ghosts.

They lost their inhibitions in the dark. The floor shuddered under their feet but the fear of falling only seemed to grip the student council vice president. The white teethed teens were out on the dance floor. Grinning and glowing with musical mania.

Tsugumi’s eyes were too full with the gaping maws of thrashing teenagers all around her, her ears too stuffed with the sound of feet pounding the floor to the beat of something too close to raw noise to be music, her nose too clogged with sweat and musk and heat and…

And her heart. She couldn’t feel anything but pain of her own rabbit heart reacting to the animal instinct inside of her wanting to flee and hide and be anywhere else but surrounded by grinning, grinding, snapping white teeth.

“Tsugumi-chan?” An arm wrapped around her shoulders, plucking Tsugumi out of the depths of the crowd and guiding her to the edges of the floor.

Tsugumi turned to discover her rescuer’s identity, lit by bursts of neon green…

…lasers. How come they never had lasers at Pastel Palettes shows?

Hina gripped the balcony’s railing so tightly her fingernails left crescents in the black paint. Probably something about image and idols and blah blah blah. Lasers were cool. Even if Hina was dying for the band… Mamalie (maybe? Eh, who cared) to hurry up and get off stage.

The calculation came naturally. The average set was about four songs. Songs were about three to four minutes long: that meant there was between twelve and sixteen minutes before Sayo would get on stage. Hina’s fingers curled up towards her palms, carelessly dragging the crescents into peeled strips that fluttered off the railing onto the unsuspecting fans on the floor below.

CiRCLE’s upper balcony was visible to all and accessible to few. Which really wasn’t fair but it was very useful for a minor celebrity running too late to get a good spot on the ground. Celebrity was so weird: Hina hadn’t done anything special and yet suddenly she was considered more important than everyone else. Was there really such a difference between the people on the floor and the people off of it?

“Hina-chan,” a familiar voice laced with acid burned into Hina’s ear as tight fingers tried to bruise her forearm. Though Chisato wasn’t close to strong enough to hurt Hina. Sometimes Hina wondered how she could even hold up her bass with those bird bone fingers. Still, Hina let herself be turned around to come face to face with the serene smile Hina had come to associate with danger.

And fun. They were the same thing practically. Hina felt the grin break her face open. “Chisato-chan, did you come to see sis?”

Chisato ignored the question. She had been waiting. “What did I say about being…

…careful, Tsugumi-chan.” Kaoru Seta pulled Tsugumi close to her chest to ward off the jostling crowd. “If I lose another kitten to this madness, I shall not last the night.”

Tsugumi giggled at the closeness. There were dozens of girls who would fight for the opportunity to be so near to the self-appointed prince. Half of those girls seemed to be surrounding the mismatched pair now, with glaring eyes and harsh whispers. Tsugumi tried to listen in but the music was so loud and Kaoru spun her quickly through the crowd that she couldn’t catch anything more than mentions of some photo and Kaoru’s name in reverent tones.

“Thank you, Seta-senpai,” Tsugumi could finally hear herself again as Kaoru pushed them out of the throng.

“Please Tsugumi-chan,” Kaoru’s hand fell to her forehead, “if someone as precious as you calls me by my last name I will have to die.”

Tsugumi giggled sweetly, “I’m a little worried about your health, it seems like anything could kill you, Kaoru-senpai.”

Kaoru clung to her heart with one hand and held out the other to Tsugumi, “I am filled with such warmth at the resonance of your bewitching voice.”

Tsugumi always found Kaoru a little goofy, but good-hearted. Helping her escape the crowd only confirmed what she’d seen at the tennis match. But despite Kaoru’s kindness, Tsugumi couldn’t quite keep a smile on her face.

“Dear Tsugumi-chan, is something still the matter?” Kaoru leaned down with a soft expression, “I thought to rescue you but if it is not physical discomfort you feel, perhaps there’s an emotional turmoil you find yourself under?”

“Kaoru-senpai. I don’t know…

…what’s wrong with me.” Chisato sighed, flipping her long blond hair behind her shoulder with her hand. Was that subconscious? A nervous habit? An instinct to show off her shapely neck? Shapely? Another odd thought for Hina to file away with the rest of them. “Why did I assume you would behave yourself?”

That sounded like a Chisato problem, not a Hina problem. Hina hummed as she flipped through that social media Aya was so crazy about on the phone Chisato had handed her. The entire feed was made up of exactly one image, posted and reposted over and over again: a picture of Hina and Tsugumi by the tennis court as Hina leaned in to kiss her, their lips blocked from frame by Hina’s hand.

In the corner the original poster had added an arrow pointing at Tsugumi and the words ‘LOL who even is this?’ That was rude, why did so many people ask questions not meant to be answered?

But as for the picture, “Boppin’ as heck.” If she ignored the words it was pretty much perfect. Tsugumi looked so cute with her wide eyes and her hands rigidly clenched at her sides. A few moments before she bowed. Hina laughed at the memory. She had to show Sayo right away. “Can you send me this?” Hina asked as if she wasn’t currently hitting the send button on a text to herself.

“Absolutely not,” Chisato plucked the phone back as the message sent. “This is very specifically what I told you not to do.”

“We weren’t on a date so it’s totally boppin’!” Hina lived in technicalities.

“Hina-chan. This is serious. Legally, your image rights belong to the agency. They’re having the photos removed as we speak. But think about Tsugumi-chan. I cannot do anything about gossipy teen girls.”

“Why does it matter?” Hina relaxed against the railing. “You can’t even see us, my hand’s in the way.”

“Your hand is in the way because you’re cupping her cheek,” Chisato zoomed the image in on Hina’s digital palm, just barely splayed enough to hide the specifics of the kiss.

Hina shrugged, “Maybe I’m just moving hair out of her eye.”

“With your mouth?”

“Does it really matter if people know I kissed her?” If she was Hina Hikawa, student council president, not Hina Hikawa, idol…

“It matters when you kiss someone. Some things are meant to be private.”

“Why?”

“I—” Chisato stopped to collect her thoughts. Hina knew she’d asked the right thing. The little quiver in Chisato’s lips was heavy with hesitation. “Loving someone means making sacrifices for them. It means you can’t just do whatever you want.”

Hina thought on that. She let the word love spin around in her mind before she asked, “How do you know…

…when you’re in love?”

Tsugumi spilled out more of her heart on the dance floor than she meant to, but she got the feeling Kaoru was good at keeping the secrets that mattered. But the question she really wanted an answer to wasn’t the one she asked in a voice so small she feared Kaoru wouldn’t hear it, and she was sure she’d never find the courage to ask it again.

But Kaoru knew the question Tsugumi wanted to ask in the first place. “I think Hina would make an excellent person to fall in love with.” She stroked her chin, like rubbing a magnificent beard only she could feel until her lips curled around her own white teeth in a brilliant smile. “There are people in the world who ignite your passions and people who make your heart sing.”

“Are there people who can do both?”

“Why Tsugumi-chan,” Kaoru turned to the balcony above them, eyes burning with a crimson radiance at something Tsugumi couldn’t see. “Those are the ones you fall in love with. The ones you have no choice but to…

…You guess.” Chisato finally answered after a long pause over the crowd with foggy eyes.

“Poor Kaoru-kun.” Hina laughed.

Dulled nails drummed on metal. “Why did you have to kiss her?”

Hina stepped forward. She was ready to get scolded for getting too close but the scolding didn’t come. Chisato was watching her with tired lines underlining wary eyes. From this distance it was easy to see how pretty Chisato was. A boring sort of pretty, like a painting in a museum too carefully put together so that all the interesting parts got painted out before anyone could see them. Still, every time the bass thumped Hina felt a twitch of absence in her arms. A dry itch on her lips. Chisato was here, and Tsugumi was not.

“I wanted to.”

Why was it so easy for Hina to understand and hard to explain?

Hina had wanted to kiss her. So she kissed her.

Tsugu kissed her back. So she wanted to kiss Hina too.

She covered the hand on the rail with her own and stooped down to borrow Chisato’s lips for a moment. It was harder to reach hers than Tsugumi’s but she was still soft and warm and kissing her back just long enough to—

“Ow.” Hina pulled back with a barking laugh and her tongue easing over the new sore spot on her bottom lip. “You bit me.”

“That’s what happens when you kiss girls without asking.”

“Not in my experience.” Very limited experience. Nothing lost. It wasn’t the same as kissing Tsugu anyway. Her heart wasn’t interested in what her lips were doing with Chisato.

“No good Hina-senpai~ those aren’t yours,” The dreamlike form of Moca Aoba emerged from the darkness behind them. “Chisato-san~ I saw something that belongs to you on the floor~.”

Chisato looked over the rail and cursed as a purple ponytail ducked through the door out of the venue. “I need to go get my— my… Kaoru.” She pushed past Hina, a little more forcefully than needed, and rushed down the stairs.

Hina glanced at the band. Halfway through their set for sure. Six to eight more minutes to wait through. Sayo would play soon.

Tsugumi’s friend took Chisato’s spot at the rail. That wasn’t fair: Hina liked Moca enough to know who she was. Though maybe Moca didn’t feel the same way. Her smile was easy and manner relaxed butHina had spent too many years in a silent home to not know when someone hated her. There were daggers hidden in Moca’s blue eyes. She couldn’t imagine what she’d done to offend Moca Aoba so deeply between that afternoon and now but she was suddenly struck by the realization that the only difference between Chisato and Moca was a few centimeters.

Moca spread her arms against the rail, leaning further back than even Hina dared. “Do you kiss every girl you see, Senpai?”

Hina admired how every sentence out of Moca’s mouth ended in an asterisk, the real meaning hidden in the footnotes at the bottom of the page. “Only the real zappin’ ones.”

“Should Moca-chan be worried~?”

“Nah. You’re more a shakaka than a zap.”

Moca laughed briefly before that easy grin flickered. “Do you like Tsugu?”

“Mmm.” Hina nodded, she understood that much.

“If you like her, why are you up here with Moca-chan?”

“You’re up here with _me_.’” Hina’s head tilted. Moca had something like a point: if she liked Tsugumi, why _wasn’t_ she with her? “I don’t know where she is. Didn’t you come here with her?”

Moca melted over the railing, her arms dripping over the edges like hot ice cream with her head lolling for a cherry on top. “Moca-chan had to take care of some stuff.”

“Business on the dance floor?”

“You saw the picture, right senpai?” Moca’s eyes were barely more than narrow slits. Hina was surprised she could still see. “Don’t let Tsugu see it.”

“Awww, but it was such a good picture~!”

“Don’t let Tsugu see it.” Moca warned again. There was the slightest menace to Moca’s voice that Hina couldn’t quite get her head around. She wondered if this was what it was like to talk to herself.

Hina sunk down along the railing in an imitation of Moca. The metal rumbled along her chest with the beat of the song as it came to an end. One more. No encores for third acts. “Why not? She looks cute.”

“It’s the comment, Hina-senpai.” Moca tried her hardest to keep up that floaty tone. The air was forced between her teeth. “The teens are up to no good~.”

“But who cares what some random girl thinks?”

Moca stood up, squaring her shoulders and rubbing her jaw with the tips of her fingers in a gesture so familiar to Hina. Sayo used to do that, back in the days when they never talked without Sayo yelling. When her anger would boil over but just before she burst, she’d spread her hand over her face, thumb and forefinger massaging just under her teeth. Hina still didn’t know what it meant. “Tsugumi cares.”

Hina felt the weight of the phone in her pocket. Could something as small as a bunch of pixels on a screen crack the Big Buddha of Hazawa Coffee? Two things didn’t sit right with Hina: the idea of Tsugumi getting hurt and the potentiality of that hurt in the first place. “I don’t think that’s true.”

Moca said nothing.

“Maybe it would but it wouldn’t break her. My Vice President isn’t that fragile,” a small smile bloomed at the thought of Tsugumi’s determined face. “I think she’d probably be more upset to know you think so little of her.”

Moca’s shoulders fell. She released one long held breath. “There are things about Tsugu you don’t know.”

Hina shrugged, “Then I’ll learn those.”

So there were still parts of Tsugumi that Hina didn’t know. That was it. That was the answer Hina had been looking for. It was so obvious now. With everyone else Hina had dated before, the one date had been enough to teach Hina everything she wanted to know. One kiss was enough to memorize a person.

Hina knew that the coffee bean smell didn’t make it down to the taste of Tsugumi lips. Taste was such an odd term for it: there wasn’t a flavor to Tsugumi. Tsugumi was a collection of feelings: a warm comfort on her lips, the plush of her cheeks under Hina’s hands, the littlest breath escaping between them as Hina pulled away, the way her voice stuttered as she thanked Hina and ran away. Hina knew what kissing Tsugumi was like and yet, even though it wasn’t novel anymore, Hina wanted to do it again. The kiss didn’t solve the feeling.

She wanted to know all the parts she didn’t know. There was so much to her Vice President.

Hina jumped up as she straightened her stance. “Hey, Moca-chan. Help me over this rail.” She didn’t bother to wait for assistance, though, and hauled her leg onto and over the rail.

“Moca-chan doesn’t think this is the best plan of action,” Moca grabbed at the back of Hina’s shirt with a surprising amount of force. “You can take the stairs.”

“But I want to see Tsugu-chan right now! She’s on the floor right?” Hina pulled at Moca’s grip. “If I jump down it’ll be faster.”

“If you jump down you might hit her…”

“A boppin’ soft landing!”

“Hina-senpai that’s no good~.” The daggers in Moca’s eyes had been sheathed.

“I’ll just have to be careful!” Hina had very little experience with being careful but how hard could it be? She slipped her foot onto the other side. She was straddling the railing. Only Moca’s arm was keeping her from parkouring over the edge and she was just about pushing the edge of Moca’s upper body strength and—

Hina finally noticed the music had stopped. She quit struggling as five spotlight clunked on. She bounced in place, half dangling over the edge of the balcony, dragging Moca Aoba around with her excitement.

Roselia was finally taking the stage. First Ako trying to strut cooly across the stage to her drums. Followed by Rinko, no longer showing her nerves as she settled behind her keyboard. Lisa came next, bass around her shoulders and a glance to the offstage where waiting to come out was—

“SIS!” Hina was vaguely aware that she was treating Moca like a safety tether.

There was only one person on that stage. In their whole lives Hina had never doubted for one moment that Sayo was the coolest person in the world. But every time she saw Sayo on stage, Hina swore her big sister got a little cooler.

Sayo shifted her weight between her left and right feet. She always did that when Yukina entered, one of those subconscious moves. Then she’d hold the guitar a little closer, getting ready for their first song. It was “Louder”. Hina knew from the chords Sayo ghosted over her guitar.

Sayo was the whole world.

“We are…

…Roselia.”

No one demanded attention like Roselia did. They played and Tsugumi had no choice but to watch in rapt attention. They were not a band that would allow themselves to be the backdrop to someone else’s conversation. They were the conversation, the five members that the audience was merely permitted to watch.

But Tsugumi couldn’t pay attention to the band, not really. Not when she was the only person in the audience who realized there was a wolf on stage left.

Sayo played at being a tamed dog so well that no one ever noticed there was a wild animal in their midst. But there she was with sharp fangs and feral claws poised over her guitar, howling with all the raw strength only an animal could summon.

Tsugumi struggled over her own breath. Moca liked to say that Sayo played like a computer, perfect but calculated, even boring. Moca was rarely so wrong. There was nothing machinelike about Sayo. She was controlled, yes, but it was the control of someone who couldn’t afford to let go. The control of someone who was afraid she would reveal the beast otherwise. Sayo wasn’t afraid tonight. She wanted everyone to know exactly how much coiled strength hid under the surface of her skin. It was so strange: Tsugumi had knew Sayo—she had seen Roselia perform so many times—but she’d never recognized her like this, as a force of nature, not a girl. Sayo must have held herself back every other moment of her life.

There was a sort of desperation to it. A desperation born from knowing the control was temporary, that there would have to come a point where she would truly lose over her baser instincts and rip and tear and ravage—

Tsugumi swallowed hard. She was completely surrounded and completely alone. Her hands trembled where she clutched her arms.

The meaning of the word ravage was the sound of Sayo’s guitar.

There was no escaping Roselia’s music. The drums became Tsugumi’s heartbeat, the piano the blood in her veins. And Sayo’s sound was the air in her lungs, gulped down in violent breaths as her head broke the surface of the water.

All Tsugumi could do was stand and listen and accept that Sayo had asked Tsugumi to hear her and now she was going to swallow Tsugumi whole.

And Tsugumi wanted her to.

“Thank you. You waited so long for us. May…

…it have been worth your while.”

As every muscle in Moca’s arms tensed to keep Hina from tumbling into the darkness, a story kept buzzing through her mind. Tsugumi had a book about star stories, a hobby she’d picked up from the troublemaker Moca was trying to keep alive, and in that book was a legend about the trickster god Coyote and stars.

It was said that Coyote watched as the creator carefully placed the stars in the sky, begging and pleading the whole while to let him have a go at setting a star. When the creator finally relented and let Coyote have the celestial bag, Coyote put one here and one there before he took the whole bag and threw them into space and eternal disorder.

When he was asked why he’d do such a thing, Coyote could only answer, “I wanted to see what would happen.”

And now Coyote was hanging off the second floor balcony listening to Roselia kick up the opening to “R”, hardly noticing she was a half second from tumbling into space.

Moca put up with too much. There wasn’t much strength in her bread built arms but she used every bit of it to pull Hina Hikawa back over the balcony before she got someone, probably not herself, killed. They stumbled together but somehow stayed upright.

Hina grinned at Moca with glowing canines but her real attention was only ever focused on that stage. On her sister. Moca almost liked it better when she thought Hina was just playing with Tsugumi. That was the thing about this Coyote, she wouldn’tmean to mess up the night sky. But curiosity was only ever a step away from cruelty.

But there were four people in Moca’s world who deserved everything they wanted and Tsugumi maybe most of all. If she wanted Hina, Moca would find a plate to serve her up on.

“This song is…no, that’s not important…

…this is Sunkissed Rhodonite.”

Sayo rarely smiled when she played. Hina had seen almost every show, she knew. But now, her teeth were bared for all. A smiling challenge.

Hina’s eyes never left Sayo’s face but she couldn’t stop the feeling that the space in her arms was empty. Tsugumi was still downstairs. She had the perfect spot to watch her sister but something just wasn’t the same. Now that she knew how she felt she just…

…just…

Hina pulled her phone from her pocket. She almost hesitated. Almost. But it was a good picture and Tsugumi deserved to see it. The Big Buddha wouldn’t fall so fast.

She hit send a second time as she left the balcony for the stairs. Sayo would like it too.

“Our final song for you: Fire…

…Bird.”

If Sayo could fill the guitar with every piece of her soul, she would never have to speak again. She would be perfectly understood, even when she didn’t understand herself. No more misunderstandings, no more confusion. Just the sound of her guitar singing a truth.

But she lived in this world where guitar was never perfect even when it was. Could anyone really hear her? Was there a her to hear? What self was there express through the music? What was the point of Sayo Hikawa?

_I want you to hear me._

Could Tsugumi hear her?

Sayo’s heartbeat leapt in the palm of her hand. The break in the last verse of the song when each member sang their own line was approaching. Here it was. It was her line, she knew it was her line, she knew her line.

But she let that heartbeat pick out the notes instead of her voice.

One.

It was all she could do to keep the sound of her heart from drowning the music.

Hina watched over the heads of a hundred girls as Sayo surprised all of them.

Two.

Hina knew these notes. She’d heard them practiced from outside Sayo’s room.

Moca realized she was wrong on the second floor balcony.

Three.

Sayo hadn’t lost to Hina. She had only just begun to fight.

One note was normal, two was a coincidence, three was a possibility, but

Four

was theirs.

Roselia’s set ended. The crowd went wild with demands for an encore but the show was running long and there was still anotherband waiting in the wing. Tsugumi didn’t know who the other band was. It didn’t matter much. She couldn’t breathe anymore; the air left the stage with Roselia.

She struggled for the entrance, swimming upstream against the river of teenagers hyped up by a once in a lifetime show. No—it was only once in a lifetime for Tsugumi wasn’t it? Only Tsugumi knew how special what they’d seen was.

Tsugumi shook away the idea. It was a coincidence. Sayo just had the notes in her head; it wasn’t like she played them _for_ Tsugumi.

Cool air would clear her head. She’d been in the heavy musk of the venue for too long, it was starting to seep into her pores. She pushed open the…

…heavy door to the lobby. Moca watched Tsugumi slip out the room from the balcony. She sunk to the floor, one hand holding tight to the iron bar of the rails and the other fumbling for her phone. Mission accomplished and it only took the whole concert. She started a message to the Tsuguless group chat.

 **>** **tsugu left all clear**

Moca hesitated over the send button. What if Hina was right? What if they’d spent the whole concert coercing nosy girls and abandoning Tsugumi to protect her from something that wouldn’t hurt her? What if she didn’t need prote—

No. She was their Tsugu.

Even if her feelings were real too, Hina Hikawa didn’t know Tsugumi like Moca did.

Moca’s eyes flicked to the ground as a familiar teal head bobbed…

…through the crowd, pushing past a dozen girls Hina was probably supposed to know as she struggled to get through to…

…The CiRCLE lobby was a different planet with breathable air. It was nearly empty except for some ticket takers by the door and Kaoru and Chisato in a corner caught up in their own private world. The cold air burst against Tsugumi’s skin. It was like being dosed with a hose on a hot summer’s day. The sudden change in temperature sent chills through her body.

The show was over. It was time to go home.

“Hazawa…

…san?”

Sayo had sprinted out of the dressing room which was perhaps the most unSayolike thing of the many unSayolike things she had done recently. To her immense frustration, finishing the show had done absolutely nothing to calm her nerves. Instead she was more nervous than ever before. Her heart was louder, her palms were sweatier and now, in the lobby of CiRCLE, she was face to face with someone she couldn’t decide if she wanted to see or not.

Tsugumi came.

Tsugumi heard her.

Tsugumi was turning to her with chocolate eyes and a dazed expression. There was a meter between them, Sayo had called out without thinking. She did a lot of things without thinking now.

“Sayo-san, you played—”

“I apologize for using your—”

“Our notes!” Tsugumi said, the surprised ‘o’ of her mouth transforming into a smile.

How could one girl’s smile hold the universe?

Sayo couldn’t respond. Tsugumi waited for her, for just a moment before her smile turned bashful and she started to turn away.

Once again without a single thought, Sayo reached for Tsugumi.

_Hazawa-san, would you—_

_Tsugumi-san, I think I—_

Their hands met. Sayo’s fingers wrapped Tsugumi’s palm.

“Thank you for coming.”

Sayo’s heart finally stopped and everything was horribly, wonderfully, perfectly clear.

* * *

It was just their hands.

Sayo wasn’t even really holding Tsugumi’s hand, she was just kind of grabbing at it, like picking up something Tsugumi dropped.

It was just their hands.

So why was Hina standing in the doorway watching. Why couldn’t she move? What was this pain?

She felt it in her teeth. The beating pressure of something awful starting right at the axis of molar and gum and growing wicked down the line. It hurt. The pain pounded like something trying to break out, trying to taint the whole lot and turn white teeth black.

She knew Sayo better than anyone. So why didn’t Hina know that expression on her face?

Tsugumi was her Vice President. So how could Sayo touch her so casually?

Hina’s hand slapped around her mouth, thumb and forefinger pressing in the hollow around her teeth trying to keep the rotten things from shattering to the ground. If she could see herself, she would have mistaken her own face for her sister’s.

Sayo always grabbed at her own jaw. Just the same way. When Hina scored well on tests she never studied for. When Hina got picked first for sports she didn’t care about. When Hina picked up the guitar and played it perfectly without practicing. When…

For the first time in her life, Hina Hikawa knew that jealousy is felt in the teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of Part One. 
> 
> Title from the song Earthbound by The Accidentals.


	8. Green Eyed Look-alikes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks DivineNoodles for betaing, she's a rockstar.

The Hikawa household was filled with nothing on Sunday morning. The last noise Hina heard before she fell into something like sleep was the forceful shutting of Sayo’s door, just a decibel short of a slam. Their apartment’s walls were thin and Sayo and Hina’s beds were pressed on opposite sides of the same wall, but she heard no tossing and turning, no pacing, no guitar. There was only a silence so much louder than yelling.

It was almost nostalgic, lying in her bed, listening for any sound that might hint at the person her sister would be that day. Sayo used to have two modes: angry and silent. Each came with its own set of rules that Hina had never managed to truly figure out how to navigate. Then new Sayos began to emerge: stoic Sayo, passionate Sayo, thoughtful Sayo, even happy Sayo. Every new Sayo was more wonderful than the last, someone brand new that Hina wanted to meet until finally she thought she’d met them all. But here was one more Sayo she didn’t know.

Was this version of her big sister out of her reach?

Hina didn’t have to close her eyes to see that look on Sayo’s face, the gentleness that grew as she held Tsugumi’s hand. The softness in her expression that wasn’t meant for Hina’s eyes. It was good, wasn’t it? She wanted Sayo to be happy, she wanted her sister to be able to look at someone like that.

But why did she have to look at Tsugumi?

It felt like a slobbering dog was gnawing on the old abandoned tennis ball that was her heart. Why did Sayo have to look at her Tsugumi like that? Did Tsugumi look the same way? Hina left before either of them could catch her, racing home without really understanding why she had the instinct to run.

Sayo was in love with Tsugumi.

Hina was in love with Tsugumi.

And Tsugumi…?

Sayo had always been a lot better at sharing than Hina, but Tsugumi wasn’t a melon bun they could tear in half. Well, they could try; if Hina had to share Tsugumi with anyone, Sayo was the only person she’d even consider but—

Hina stretched her body out along her bed, from the arch of her toes to the curve of her neck. She couldn’t relax at the idea. Her teeth still ached with her own bitter heartbeat. Hina really didn’t care to share when push came to shove.

There was only one alternative. Hina’s world didn’t revolve around her sister. There was no world without Sayo. She wouldn’t go back to the place of only anger and silence. Hina knew exactly what she would do as soon as she heard the creak of the door beside hers open.

Hina began to countdown from ten before bursting out of her bed at six and out her door at three. Patience wasn’t a virtue, it was boring. Hina crept down the hall, speeding up as she rounded the corner to the living room.

Sayo was waiting for her with solemn green-golden eyes. She sat on the far end of their family’s grey couch, perfectly posed with her back straight and her hands on her knees, already dressed for the day, in accidental contrast to Hina’s pajama pants and t-shirt. She breathed in, the air filling her whole chest before she calmly exhaled. “Hina.”

“Sis,” Hina jumped in before Sayo could speak further. “You should take Tsugu-chan.”

“What?” Sayo packed an extraordinary amount of emotions into a single word: disbelief, anger, shock, hurt, exhaustion. Hina could pick out each one like comparing paint swatches against the wall of Sayo’s moods.

“You’re in love with her. So you can have her.” Hina held on to the doorframe to keep from falling forward.

If Hina had to choose between Sayo and Tsugumi there wasn’t a choice. No matter how much she hated saying every word. If Sayo wanted Tsugumi, she could have her. As long as Sayo didn’t leave, Hina would be okay.

Sayo stood. The sisters faced each other with a room of space between them. Hina watched Sayo’s fist clench around her shirt. “How did you know?”

“I saw you,”was all Hina had to say to make Sayo’s face fill with recognition.

“Is that why you sent the picture?” Sayo forced a chill into her voice, like trying to smother a fire with an ice cube. “To tell me to back off?”

The picture. It flashed in Hina’s mind: Hina and Tsugumi captured in a split-second of joy. She didn’t want to see it again. If Hina looked at the picture she’d remember how kissing Tsugumi made her feel, how boppin’ that tight squeeze in her chest was. “N-no. Sis, it’s not like that. I’m telling you. I’ll give her to you.”

“Is she yours to give?” The ice was quickly evaporating in the growing flame. Sayo trembled. Her brow formed a sharp angle that Hina hadn’t seen in over a year.

“Please, Sis,” the closest thing Hina ever felt to panic filled her. The hint of tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. “It’s like—you know—I just…Sis…”

And then across the room, Sayo transformed. First her fist slowly unfurled around the cotton of her shirt, then her rigid shoulders fell and her furrowed forehead reversed into the usual tired arch over her eyes. Sayo’s body stilled. The fire was put out before it ever began to rage. With an exhale Sayo ran her large hand over her cheeks, down her jawline, around her chin before extending it to Hina. “Let’s go on a trip.”

* * *

It wasn’t hard to feel like you were leaving Tokyo without ever actually leaving the greater metropolitan area at all. Tokyo was a city of trains after all, spindling out from the center like the perfectly placed flowers in an ikebana arrangement. During the week the trains funneled the workforce of the nation inwards to its heart, on the weekend those same trains transported the denizens of Tokyo outwards so they could breath once again.

Hakone at the foot of Mt. Fuji or the seaside haven of Inoshima were popular destinations to the south, but the Hikawa sisters were bound for somewhere a little closer. They boarded a train not unlike the separate ones they usually rode to their schools. Perhaps it was a bit more sparsely filled with Sunday tourists ready to brave the cold in favor of avoiding crowds and the décor was about twenty years out of fashion, the sort of mahogany color Sayo associated with her grandmother, but still, it was a nicer ride than her usual commute and there were more than enough seats for the Hikawas to sit comfortably apart.

Though, of course, as soon as Sayo sat down Hina squeezed beside her, trapping Sayo between a plastic barrier and her fidgeting twin. She couldn’t remember the last time she and Hina simply rode a train together. An image formed in her mind of two little girls so identical as to seem a single image copied twice until one opened her mouth. An impossible memory—one couldn’t remember seeing themselves after all. But it felt correct. Sayo and Hina side by side, back when she still harbored the childish delusion that Hina needed her.

If Sayo glanced at Hina through the corner of her eye, that little girl was still beside her, kicking out her feet, running her hands over every surface available, twisting to look out the window behind them when there was a perfectly good one in front of them. If Hina looked at Sayo, would she see a child still as stone? If the serious little girl still existed inside Sayo, did the surly hateful teenager too?

Sayo focused on the scenery rushing by and the rutta tut tut of wheels spinning under their feet. Signs plastered across buildings that crowded the train like an open air tunnel gave way to cheap apartments too close to the train tracks to ever be quiet. Station by station as they travelled further from the center of the metropolis, rows of homes replaced rows of businesses. Tokyo never really ended, it just petered off until there was less and less of it and more and more of nature, but there was always a train station to remind you it still held you in its hand and you’d barely reached a finger.

Tokyo was the largest city in the world and yet Sayo and Hina had managed to fall in love with the exact same person. After so long, the Hikawa twins had finally found commonality in the worst possible way. It really wasn’t surprising at all. If anything, it was the natural punchline to the joke that was Sayo Hikawa.

But she still had questions. The kind she couldn’t just ask in the same living room they’d shared their whole lives.

Tokyo rolled on. Past Kawasaki, past Yokohama. Past all the places that weren’t Tokyo but were still Tokyo. None of them could distract from the memory of the softest thing she’d ever held in her hand. She could feel the ghost of Tsugumi’s hand in her own every time she closed her fist. To take someone’s hand was to say ‘I don’t want to lose you’. Sayo hadn’t decided if she would let the memory hurt yet.

Sayo glanced up at the digital map display over the sliding train doors. They were getting close, only a few stations away. “Hina,” Sayo half whispered for the benefit of their fellow passengers.

Hina hummed something in response but her attention was squarely set on her phone now that the outside had proven too ordinary for her eyes.

Another station whirled by. “Hina.”

No response, they passed the last station before theirs.

Sayo looked at Hina’s right hand pressed into the fuzz of the train seat and wrapped her hand around Hina’s fingers. The rough calloused tips of Hina’s fingers pressed into Sayo’s palm as she lifted up her sister’s hand. A small smile hinted on Sayo’s lips. For all her genius, Hina still grew callouses just the same.

“Sis!” Hina abandoned her phone to her pocket and flipped their hands so their fingers intertwined. She grinned toothily.

Sayo looked away with embarrassment flush on her cheeks. “We’re getting off next at Kamakura, I don’t want to leave you behind.”

Taking someone’s hand could mean ‘I don’t want to lose to you’ as well.

* * *

Unlike their departing station in the heart of Tokyo, Kamakura station was small and manageable, which was fortunate because now that Sayo’s hand had been offered she was forced to perform every task one handed and dragging her twin behind her. What had started as a simple show of affection and practicality had quickly turned into the mortification of being seventeen and holding your also very seventeen sister’s hand in public. Hina, of course, didn’t care.

They exited out the front of the station under the green sign reading “Kamakura Station” in Japanese and English characters and into a bus rotunda where squat and square buses sat waiting for passengers before restarting their routes. As Sayo expected, tourists were few and far between. Kamakura was known for its greenery, and that greenery was hardly present in the middle of winter.

“Do you think it’ll snow?” Hina asked as Sayo led her away from the station and towards the massive main avenue.

“That’s not in the forecast.” Sayo had checked before they left, she might bring the rain on other days but today the forecast was clear.

“But it’d be so fwooshy fwoosh you know?”

“I’ll let the weatherman know.” They turned and came face to face with the splendor of Kamakura.

Kamakura was a city of hills, surrounded on all sides except the south where Sagami Bay lay. During the spring, summer, and fall it was a patch of civilization hidden in the crook of nature’s arm. During the winter the town became dominant, laid bare over the landscape without its leafy protector. The winter traded natural beauty for man made wonders as the many temples of Kamakura drew the eye without nature’s competition. Sayo admired the twin torii gates at the end of the main street: the entrance to Tsurugaoka Hachimangu, a magnificent Shinto Shrine but unfortunately the opposite direction of their destination.

Hina was less occupied with national heritage sites and more with watching a group of confused foreign tourists get surrounded on the sidewalk by enthusiastic school kids, probably middle school students, blabbering in messy English. The foreigners’ unnecessary panic ticked a smile onto Sayo’s face.

Hina laughed, “Do you remember when we did that?”

Sayo did. She remembered being eleven years old and clutching her carefully written out English script for their school assignment while Hina chattered on and on in excitable broken English in a conversation that answered absolutely none of the questions they were supposed to ask the foreign visitors they found. “A little bit.”

“You were so cool! You sounded like a native.”

Sayo doubted that. Her English was at least practical now but back then she’d been too nervous to say anything more than ‘hello’ and her name. Hina was the one who spoke. “You told them Taiyaki is tasty dunked in soy sauce and wasabi.”

“It could be! I wonder if they tried it. We should try it!” Hina tugged Sayo’s hand as she bounced on the balls of her feet towards a small taiyaki shop squeezed between two larger buildings.

Sayo let Hina drag her along. “I’ll pass.”

“Awww,” Hina pouted, “That’s no fun.”

The shop was simple, barely more than an open air counter with half a store and an old woman with her hair tied back and her back bent forward behind it. According to their handwritten sign they sold two things: taiyaki filled with red bean and taiyaki filled with sweet potato, both for two hundred yen. Sayo admired the simplicity.

Hina stopped in front of the glass of the counter, jumping back and forth between the two sets of completely identical fish shaped pastries. Sayo traded an apologetic look for a comforting smile from the old woman.

“I can’t decide,” Hina groaned with much more agony than was due a snack choice. “Sis. Help. Red bean is slamma damma but sweet potato is all shooby zaba.”

Only half the words in that sentence had any meaning to Sayo.

Hina agonized for half a second longer before snapping her free hand. “I just have to get both!”

“You won’t be able to finish both. It’d be a waste,” Sayo pulled Hina back from grabbing at the counter with their connected hands.

“I’ll ask if they can squish both fillings into one!”

“Don’t create problems for the store!”

“But I can’t deciiiiide!” Hina whined.

Sayo sighed. She could feel her brow softening in some natural older sister instinct. “Why don’t you get the red bean filling? I’ll get the sweet potato and you and I can trade halfway through.”

“For real?!” Hina acted as if Sayo had solved the unsolvable, “Amazing! You’re the best Sis!”

Sayo quickly ordered and paid with pleased embarrassment at the praise Hina poured on her. Soon they were back on their way, with Hina’s hands happily wrapped around hot pastry instead of Sayo’s hand.

Before Sayo could warn her sister to wait for it to cool, the taiyaki was already in Hina’s mouth, burning her tongue red as she yelped in surprise. Her surprise quickly turned to laughter sprinkled with her trademark onomatopoeic nonsense expressions. She took another steaming bite, and then, another as they walked leisurely together, Hina setting the pace without leading.

Hina spoke between chunks of red bean paste. “Oh! Did I tell you about what Tsugu-chan told me yes—”

“Hina,” Sayo cut Hina off with the sharp growl in her voice. “I don’t want to talk about Hazawa-san yet.”

Sayo winced at Hina’s crestfallen expression. She didn’t mean to snap but she always did anyway. Hina never meant any harm, Hina didn’t know how to do harm on purpose but she just—

Sayo bit into the steaming taiyaki. Molten sweet potato scalded the roof of her mouth. She winced but let the burning distract her from the thought. Underneath the heat she could taste the filling, just the right amount of sweet and creamy. A pity to ruin the taste with bitterness. With a sigh she offered Hina her taiyaki after only a few bites. The red bean one was almost gone but Sayo accepted the trade anyway, finishing it off in small nibbles.

Their destination wasn’t far. Hina quietly followed Sayo’s lead as she took them off the main road and down one street, then another, curving round houses and schools and all the sorts of places people needed to live their lives. Slowly but surely the amount of houses lessened and they traded their snacks and then there they were at the nio-mon gate, the thick and heavy arch adorned with the red skinned warrior statues acting as watchmen for their destination: Kotoku-In shrine. The home of the Great Buddha of Kamakura.

Tsugumi Hazawa.

It was such a stupid idea but it was the only one Sayo had to hold on to. Her own idiotic impulse was the all that kept her anger at bay. It was impossible to forget such an odd question, even with a sister who asked nothing but odd questions.

“ _Is Tsugu-chan more of a Todai-Ji Big Buddha or a Kotoku-In Big Buddha?”_

What kind of question was that, Hina? What kind of person compared the girl they liked to statues of long dead religious figures?

_“I think she’s more Kotoku-In. It’s just more immovable.”_

Sayo didn’t remember it in the moment; she didn’t remember it until she spent a whole night staring at her ceiling and photo on her phone trying to keep the hurt from carving into her heart as she remembered everything that had ever happened between her, her sister and the girl they both loved.

In her memory, the Great Buddha sat nestled amongst trees, a piece of the landscape simply forged by human hands. In reality there were no trees near him, and the ones in the distance were bare and asleep for winter. He sat alone save for twin lotus statues a few meters in front of him, their bronze oxidized to the same color as the sisters’ hair. As for the Buddha, he wore his discolorations like tears streaks spreading down his chest, his robes, and his face. He was taller than the imagination could handle; Sayo couldn’t reach past his pedestal if she tried.

Hina’s attention fixed on the statue with a smile that could hardly be contained by her face. “He’s smaller than I remember.”

“I think you’re just bigger.” Sayo stopped with her hand against square pillar base of one of the bronze lotus blossoms.

Hina chuckled and shrugged. Sayo watched her wander around the statue, eyes gleaming as she took in everything. Hina spun quickly around the Great Buddha as if she could move fast enough to see it all at once. There weren’t many other visitors so Sayo didn’t feel a need to hold Hina back. She could be content watching.

When Hina returned, finally still in front of the statue again. Sayo quietly asked. “Do you still want to knock it down?”

Hina’s head turned, her smile shrinking in confusion. But Sayo was sure her sister remembered. It was their second time in front of this statue, but Sayo was sure Hina’s thoughts were the same as the first. She was still that little girl who saw a tower of blocks and longed to push it over.“When you look at this,” Sayo pulled her eyes away from her sister to the sweat stained face of Buddha, “do you really see her? Do you see Hazawa-san?”  
“Yeah. Don’t you?”

No. She thought there’d be some secret if she came this far. That she could understand her feeling as easily as Hina knew her own but all Sayo saw was a fat man cast in bronze and the little sister who was once again out of her reach.“I don’t understand. I know you, but I don’t understand you.”

“You don’t have to understand me to see her!” Hina turned her head away and pointed. “The face she makes when she’s doing paperwork in student council room is right there. Those are her shoulders when she tries to keep upright. They have the same zappiness keeping them down on ground.”

How could it be Tsugumi without those brown eyes filled with so much kindness they were enough to make you believe you deserved it? How could the statue be Tsugumi when it couldn’t speak with such understanding? How could it be Tsugumi when Sayo knew her skin was so warm and the bronze was surely so cold? Did Hina really love Tsugumi so much more that she could see all the secret similarities that Sayo could not? Was Sayo so deficient?

All Sayo could see were the pursed lips and the shut eyes of an almost 900 year old statue but she still had to know. “Do you want to knock her down?”

Hina turned. The sisters faced each other in the great Buddha’s plaza. “I couldn’t. Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could knock her down.”

Sayo opened the faucet of her anger, just enough for a drip. “Then have some respect for her,” Sayo snarled, trying to be as mindful of the straggling tourists around them. “How dare you offer Hazawa-san up to me, like a toy to be traded.”

“S-sis. I didn’t…” Hina lowered her head, the hint of her passion vanishing. “I didn’t think—”

“You didn’t. Do you think I am so pitiful I need your handout to be loved?” Sayo strained at the faucet, trying to keep the anger from bursting out. “Do you really think I’m not good enough.?”

Hina sprung back to life, “I don’t want to lose you! If I have to pick between you and Tsugu-chan— I don’t want to.”

Sayo flinched. “Hina.”

“But I’ll pick you.” There were unshed tears in Hina’s eyes. “Sis.”

“Fight me for her,” Sayo felt tears in her own eyes but she refused to cry. Not here, not in front of Hina but her heart ached for the emotional release. “Fight me like you respect me as a rival. You love her don’t you? You owe Hazawa-san that.”

They both stood frozen, looking in each other’s direction but not their eyes. To an outsider it must have looked like they were about to throw fists. When it just about seemed someone would surely intervene, Hina answered Sayo.

“You’re right.” Hina raised her shoulders and met Sayo’s eyes with a fierce pride and a determination Sayo didn’t recognize, green-gold to green-gold. “I want to hear her love song. I want it to be for me!”

Sayo yanked the faucet shut, her anger’s purpose was done. She tore her gaze away from Hina as all the air left her lungs.

“You promise too, Sis. You wanna hear it too right?”

Sayo did. More than anything, her newly broken heart longed for it. “I promise.”

But the lie hit Sayo’s stomach like rotten meat.

* * *

Plop.

Plock.

Ack.

Aack.

The last remains of the taiyaki splattered on the side of the public toilet bowl. Regret stung at the corners of Sayo’s eyes. She tried to aim for the center to make it easier to wash away but still the chunks of red and white stained the side. She forced herself to look away before the sight made the nausea worse.

Sayo turned her focus to cool tiles underneath her folded legs, to the comforting ache of her calves as they stretched with the perfect seiza years of archery had drilled into her. Use the world of the physical to wipe away the emotional.

She wiped at her mouth with the green striped handkerchief she always kept handy in her pocket. She kept her eyes averted as she folded it in half and half again before replacing the used cloth in her pocket. A wretched souvenir.

How could she be so prideful as to demand fair treatment in a fight she had no intention of fighting?

The pain flared out in her stomach again. She lunged over the toilet but there was nothing to come out but drops of spit and the remnants of acid. Sayo’s shoulders slumped but her body didn’t falter.

She’d known in her heart all along that if Hina truly loved Tsugumi, Sayo could never stand in their way. Tsugumi wasn’t Hina’s to give because she’d already chosen Hina. The proof was so heavy in Sayo’s pocket. There was no reason to torture herself with a picture she already had memorized but Sayo had always struggled with the temptation for self-flagellation.

She wanted this. Sayo reminded herself for the third or fourth time. She’d wanted Hina to be happy. If the favor she could do for Hina was to get out of the way of her happiness then Sayo would leap. She’d lock the feelings up until they died of natural causes. They were never supposed to belong to her anyway.

Her first love had ended so quickly, but she had been lucky to have it all the same. It wasn’t the kind of thing someone like her could have expected to have.

It was a struggle to stand upright. Sayo’s head spun as if she rose a hundred meters in the air instead of one and a half. She stumbled out the stall and to the sink where she washed her hands over and over, shaking them over the sink when she reached for her handkerchief and remembered it was used.

There was a familiar resentment hinting in the corners of her heart. Hina would never understand that Sayo was doing everything she could to keep her head above the water while Hina swam laps.

Sayo left the restroom. Hina was waiting across the courtyard framed by the crooked naked trees and the grey sky with a smile so trusting and happy that Sayo could do nothing but bury the resentment in the dirt with her first love.

Hina found her with a faithful wave. “Sis!”

Without a word, Sayo returned to her sister’s side. They turned away from imprudent statue and wandered back down the temple pathway. Hina reached out with a hinting nudge at Sayo’s hand.

But Sayo pulled her hand away. She tried to play it off as a casual rejection but the disappointment still flickered in Hina’s eyes.

“Sis—”

“Let’s go home, Hina.”

Deedle doo.

Deedle loo.

“That’s weird,” Hina said, pulling her ringing phone from her pocket. “It’s Tsugu-chan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title taken from Blue Ridge Mountains by Fleet Foxes.


	9. Take This Pink Ribbon Off My Eyes

As soon as she laid down on her bed, Tsugumi knew, without even trying, that she wouldn’t sleep that night. Her brain was too scattered, constantly reviewing the one Saturday that had somehow encompassed months. The tennis match. The concert. And now the epilogue: staring at her ceiling as the minutes ticked by trying to process all the new feelings she was forced to have at once.

It was impossible to sort all the events and emotions into tidy, separate piles. She couldn’t just think about Hina’s kiss or Sayo’s hand or the cruel words scribbled over the photo or her friends’ mysterious disappearing act or the love song she still didn’t know how to play or concert they’d barely planned—the thoughts only piled on top of each other, dripping and oozing all over one another until all Tsugumi had was a blurry slurry of sludgy nothing thoughts and anxiety.

After spending long hours (or short minutes, it was impossible to tell that late at night) paralyzed in her bed, Tsugumi finally pulled back her covers and stepped out. It was much more exhausting pretending she was trying to sleep than simply being awake. She slipped on her slippers and tugged on a worn hoodie adorned with an orange cartoon cat that Moca had left behind so many times Tsugumi finally adopted it as her own.

With muffled footsteps, Tsugumi walked down the hall, past the living room and the entrance hall to the little door that connected the house directly to the shop. It wasn’t locked—it never was at night. Without customers there was nothing to differentiate the Hazawas’ business from their home. The cafe was just another room in the dark.

Tsugumi didn’t bother to turn on the lights as she entered. The orange glow from the street lamps outside leaked through the shuttered windows, coaxing dark blue shadows out of the tables with stacked chairs. The light didn’t reach the counter but Tsugumi could navigate the store on muscle memory alone and passed through to the kitchen without trouble.

It felt taboo to enter the cafe’s kitchen so late at night. Tsugumi wasn’t expressly forbidden from creeping down to the store past closing but it had the same feeling as breaking into the school with her friends. She flicked the light switch, revealing the kitchen in all its stark white and stainless steel. Her mother kept it pristine. By night there was no memory of the day’s mess—just food in the fridge ready for the next day.

There was only one thing Tsugumi could do when she didn’t know what to do: bake. Baking was a way to turn a bunch of weirdness into something wonderful. She could hear the recipe as if it was whispered in her ears by an incredibly noisy cooking show host:

**The Hazawa-Hikawa Chocolate Mint Layer Cake**

Hi everyone, are you up in the middle of the night questioning your whole life? Are you looking for a cake that you can cram all those feelings into and still serve at a party? I have a treat for you!

You’ll be using a simple five ingredient chocolate cake for your base. Don’t mind the mud brown color—it’s perfectly ordinary in every way! Be careful with that cocoa: it’s bitter and gross on its own. The cocoa needs the support of the other four ingredients, even though they could make a totally fine cake without it!

Once you have your ingredients all mixed up and so jumbled together that they couldn’t pull themselves apart even if they wanted to, you’ll want to separate the batter into three greased round pans. The layers may seem spread thin but even if they crack it’s completely worth it. Place them in the oven where the heat and pressure will turn them into a totally, mostly adequate cake.

While that bakes you’ll want to use your time efficiently (you do want to use your time efficiently don’t you?) and get your two mint frostings ready. They’ll look the same but taste completely different.

After you’ve mixed your sugar frosting base, you’ll need to split it in two before you add the rest of the flavors. The interior mint frosting—to be applied between the layers to hold the cake together as it tries to figure what its deal is—will taste mild at first bit but it has an intense after taste you’ll never get out of your brain. For the exterior, you’re going to be mixing up a frosting that hits you in the lips with a blast of mint before completely disappearing and leaving you desperate for more. You’ll need to make a lot. Make sure you wait for the cake to cool before applying or it’ll all melt away and leave your cake lonely and exposed.

Then decorate with flecks of gold leaf for that green-gold color you see whenever you close your eyes and the words ‘ _LOL who even is this’_ so maybe you’ll stop thinking about how everyone in the world who hasn’t forgotten you exist is judging you.

**Serves one.**

Tsugumi woke up the next morning at the coffee shop counter with frosting on her hands and the confusing flavor of the mint-chocolate on her tongue.

* * *

Hours after she’s stuffed the remnants of the unfortunate 3 AM cake she’d made into the trash and wiped down the entire kitchen, Tsugumi stared into the murky depths of her third cup of coffee. She tried to will her hand to pick it up and bring it to her lips so that maybe a little bit of the fog in her head would finally go away. The first two cups hadn’t done much to help clear it but her only other option was going back to bed and Tsugumi couldn’t afford to waste away a single day. She wasn’t sure what her plans were, but somewhere in the hazy recesses of her mind she knew she _had_ plans, even if she couldn’t remember the specifics. After all, there was always something that needed to be done.

“Hey Coffee Bean,” Tsugumi’s dad leaned over the counter on his elbows, calling out for Tsugumi with his favorite nickname. “Didn’t get much sleep, huh?”

“Not really.” There was no point in trying to hide it. Hazawas could all recognize sleep deprivation.

“Something on your mind? School? Band? Boys?”

Her ears flushed at his last suggestion. Tsugumi hadn’t quite gotten around to telling her dad she was pretty sure she only liked girls. To be fair, Tsugumi hadn’t quite decided that herself, but current events were pointing in an exclusively sapphic direction. When her dad looked at Tsugumi with his latte brown eyes it was hard to believe he could ever be anything but completely supportive. But 9:30 in the morning with only two and a half cups of coffee in her stomach was not how Tsugumi planned to come out. She remained fixed on trying to force herself to drink more.

Her dad winked and continued. “You know I’m a bit of a love expert.”

Tsugumi giggled into her cup—her dad had dated exactly one woman and her mom was the one who asked _him_ out. “Really?”

“Oh yeah. Coffee and love are exactly the same, you gotta figure out what works for you ‘cause everyone likes it a little different,” He reached out and tapped her on the nose with a single coffee bean. “A bean for my bean.”

She’d never quite figured out what he expected her to do with a single coffee bean, but Tsugumi accepted it like she always did. No matter how frantic the rest of her life got, she’d always have Hazawa Coffee. Oh shoot! Was that what she was forgetting?

Tsugumi pushed away from the dine-in counter, sending the coffee cup rocking dangerously in her wake. “Sorry Dad! I’ll be ready for work in just a second!”

“You’re not on the schedule today,” he chuckled warmly, freshly trimmed mustache bobbing on his upper lip. “I won’t say no to the extra help but it looks like you have some Afterglow business to take care of?” He waved to someone entering over Tsugumi’s shoulder.

Tsugumi turned as Tomoe strode through the front door with the bright eyed enthusiasm only she could muster on a Sunday morning. She dragged Himari behind her, holding her hand like a kid pulling a sled up a hill. “Yo! Tsugu!”

“I’ll tell your mom to get some pancakes going.” Tsugumi’s dad disappeared into the kitchen before she could protest—though it was for the best, Himari seemed to desperately need some food in her.

Himari was not quite as awake as Tomoe. She stumbled along behind her girlfriend, hair half combed with one of Tomoe’s baggy (tight on Tomoe) hoodies thrown over yesterday’s dress. She practically collapsed into the chair next to Tsugumi, rolling her head onto the countertop with eyes so squinted Tsugumi wasn’t sure she hadn’t just fallen asleep on the napkin holder.

“You ready to figure this thing out?” Tomoe bounced into the chair next to Himari and pulled the maybe sleeping girl from the counter into her arms.

Very vaguely, Tsugumi remembered making plans to sit down and finally decide what Roselia song Afterglow would cover for the live that morning. “Is Himari-chan okay?”

“She’s fine, she’s fine!” Tomoe’s barking dog laugh echoed throughout the cafe. “She just doesn’t like sleeping in my bed.”

Himari’s eyes shot open. She whirled on Tomoe, pounding on her broad shoulder with flimsy fists. “To! Mo! EEEEE! That was supposed to be a secret!”  
Tomoe laughed through the onslaught. “Aw come on babe, what are you embarrassed about?”

“Tsugu! It’s not what you think!” Himari whipped back to Tsugumi and grabbed her shoulders with a shake. “We didn’t do anything! It was just late after the concert I swear!”

“Okay?” Why was Himari acting so weird? Did she think Tsugumi would be jealous? Tomoe and Himari slept over at each other’s places all the time.

“Seriously. Just. Sleep.” The jagged red lines ripping through the whites of Himari’s eyes became clear as she drew her face uncomfortably close to Tsugumi’s.

Tomoe cackled from behind, pulling Himari away by the shoulder. “Babe, you’re gonna scare Tsugu.” She scratched at the base of her neck. There was something unfamiliar at the tips of her fingers, like a dark stain on her skin or a nasty bruise. Just as Tsugumi leaned forward to get a better look, Himari swept into her vision again.

“Don’t worry about it Tsugu.”

“But Tomoe-chan—”

Himari’s eyes were convincingly pleading enough to get her to drop it. Tsugumi sent them off to grab their usual booth while she fetched a few mugs to fill for her friends and abandoned her own third cup to spiral down the drain. Her brain was still a fuzzy fog but she’d just have to cope with the caffeine already flowing through her nervous system. With loving care she filled her friends’ cups: black coffee for Himari, and a quick cappuccino for Tomoe—she liked the foam on her tongue.

Tsugumi slid the two cups into one hand with a barista’s well trained grip and joined her friends at their table. Tomoe and Himari had already made themselves cozy in the corner. Tomoe’s arm was thrown loosely over Himari’s shoulders and whatever argument they’d been having was seemingly totally resolved. Tsugumi’s eyes fell to the purple-red coin sized mark on the soft skin where Tomoe’s neck met her collar. It looked like she’d had some sort of suction accident, almost like Tomoe had spent the morning wrestling a vacuum cleaner. But before Tsugumi could be tempted to ask, another familiar face swaggered into the store.

“Yahoo~.” Moca bounced into the booth—bright eyed and bushy tailed as Tsugumi’s dad would say. She blew Tsugumi a kiss before her attention drifted to Tomoe and Himari, eyes dancing between them with a growing sneaky smile.

Himari bristled under Moca’s gaze, “No! It’s not what you think!”

“Hii-chan~ Hii-chan~ so antagonistic so early in the morning?” Moca folded her hands behind her shaking head, “That’s not good for your skin, you’ll break out.”

“R-Really?”

“Who can say~?”

“Moca! Hmph,” Himari pouted into the mug Tsugumi put in front of her, nestling closer to Tomoe even though there was already an abundance of room on the bench for Tsugumi.

Tsugumi paused before sitting, “Moca-chan, let me get you a drink?”

“Not one thing. You’re not working today.” Tsugumi’s dad swung around behind her, two full stacks of pancakes in his hands. “Mocha for Moca?”

“Papa Hazawa!” Moca grabbed her heart. “If I had a dad, I’d want him to be just like you.”

“Well you never know~,” he said dreamily before sweeping away.

Tomoe frowned, “Did Tsugu’s dad just imply that he’s Moca’s dad too?”

“Ooo, I hope so.” Moca slid her hand across the table towards Tomoe’s plate. “If I can’t become a Hazawa through marriage, might as well do it by birth.”

“Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?” Himari patted the seat beside her. When Tsugumi hesitated she grabbed her friend firmly and pulled her down. “Besides you do _have_ a dad somewhere out there.”

“Hii-chan. Everything about Moca-chan is immaculate, including her conception. It’s—owowow,” Moca jerked away her hand from Tomoe’s breakfast, shaking it out to sooth the four angry prong marks from Tomoe’s weaponized fork.

“Tomoe doesn’t share food!” The grumble was punctuated with another jab of the fork.

Tsugumi kept her eyes fixed on the door as Moca and Tomoe bickered on the finer points of equitable food distribution amongst friends. It was almost uncomfortable having four of them together without the fifth like going out without a hat on a cold day—it was just warmer with a complete outfit. But soon the bell rang and the door opened again.

“Ran-chan!”

Ran greeted Tsugumi with a tiny awkward smile and a little wave. The smile faltered as she came close to her friends. She leaned in, far past Tsugumi’s personal space bubble, and poked with her thumb at the bags under Tsugumi’s eyes. “You didn’t sleep last night.”

“I had a lot on my mind.” It was a desperate understatement, but Tsugumi wasn’t quite ready to waste everyone’s time with her problems. Afterglow came first.

The little smile vanished. “Tsugumi.” Ran hesitated, “I’m sorry, last night—”

“—It’s so weird how we all go separated!” Moca laid herself across the table and squeezed into the tight space between Tsugumi and Ran. “Ran~ did you miss your cute little Moca-chan?”

Ran grabbed Moca’s head and slid her back where she came from. “I don’t remember making you mine.”

“Boo hoo, Ran is such a bully. Tsugu missed me right?”

Ran rolled her eyes and shoved her backpack under the table, before ordering Moca, “Scoot.”

Tsugumi couldn’t help but giggle at Moca’s mournful whine. “I did, but I was okay. I ran into—” Sayo-san, she almost said before something in her brain tugged the name back from the tip of her tongue. “—Kaoru-senpai.”

“Lucky!” Himari pouted.

“Babe.” Tomoe chomped loudly on her pancakes. “We were together?”

“But I could have been with Kaoru-senpai!”

“Yeah, that’d’ve been pretty dope.”

“Pancakes and Moca’s mocha coming through!” Tsugumi’s dad reappeared with a double stack and a steaming mug. “Morning Ran-chan, anything to drink for you?”

“N-no,” Ran stumbled, always a little overwhelmed by the sheer force of his unconditional dadliness. “I’m okay, sir.”

“Alright!” He shot cheeky finger guns at Ran and Tsugumi. “I’ll be right back with your pancakes.”

“Eh? But I said...” He was gone before Ran could voice her protest.

“Ran~. You know that pancakes are non negotiable,” Moca said, stabbing an entire pancake with her fork and raising it to her eye level as if she was considering if she could fit the entire thing in her mouth.

Ran sighed over Moca’s pancake pile, “Tsugumi. I think your parents are trying to fatten up Moca.”

Tsugumi shrugged helplessly. When they were six years old, her dad took one good look at Moca and immediately gave her a second snack pack. He still doubled the emaciated guitarist’s portions. The only thing Papa Hazawa couldn’t stand was a hungry kid.

“Unfortunately Hii-chan gets all of Moca-chan’s extra calories, so Moca-chan remains cold all winter, boo hoo~,” Moca sniffed as she sliced a pancake in two and stuffed a half in her mouth.

Bam! The plates rattled as Himari struck the table. “Take them back! Take all your calories back!” She thrust her own plate away. “Urg! This is why I can’t lose any weight!”

“Why do you wanna to lose weight so bad?” Tomoe frowned, pulling Himari’s plate back in front of her girlfriend.

The other three girls exchanged stunned looks. In all the time they’d spent together, no one had ever thought to just ask Himari why she got in such a tizzy about her weight. Even Himari seemed bewildered at such a frank question. “I—you know— it’s a thing girls worry about.”

Ran glared, “We’re all girls. None of us worry about it.”

“Well!” Himari threw up her hands and left it at that.

“Hii-chan~ if you lose weight your boobs will shrink~ think about poor Tomo-chin.” Moca wagged a fork impaled with half a pancake at Himari.

Himari recoiled into thoughtful contemplation as the blood drained from Tomoe’s face. “… is that true?”

“Babe.” Tsugumi hadn’t seen such a look of terror on Tomoe’s face since she thought an actual ghost was chasing her. “Take some of my pancakes.” Tomoe began to refill Himari’s plate.

Himari forked the pancakes back to Tomoe. “TO~MO~E! Is that all I am to you?”

“They’re just important to me!”

Moca grinned, “It’s okay~ It’s okay~ I think Tomo-chin likes you juuuust fine Hii-chan.” With a wicked wink, Moca scratched at her collar.

“I—I.” Himari looked like a boiled lobster. So did Ran, actually. Meanwhile, Tomoe returned to enjoying her pancakes with gusto in as much ignorance as Tsugumi. The scraps of food around her mouth distracted the eye from the thing on her neck. The mystery itched at Tsugumi but Himari had been so emphatic with her eyes earlier…

“Last orders up!” Once more her dad arrived with plates in hand. “Here you are Ran-chan, with chocolate chips right?”

Ran couldn’t play it cool enough not to smile, “Thank you.”

“Papa Hazawa~,” Moca called out with a languid wave. “Let Moca-chan cover Ran’s.”

“I won’t let you cover your own!” He laughed warmly, “Your money’s no good here Moca.”

“But Moca-chan is rolling in that dough—monetarily for once. The convenience store biz is booming~.”

“You can pay me back when you’re a successful adult.”

“If Moca-chan has to be successful you’ll never get paid back.”

“Then you can pay me… hmm…” He considered the possibilities carefully. “When Afterglow has their big break.”

“Heck yeah!” Tomoe slammed the end of her fork on the table. “After we play Budokan!”

Tsugumi’s dad’s lips twitched into his trademark ‘I cannot laugh at this customer’ smile as he looked at Tomoe. “I suppose you’re all becoming young women.” And with that, he wandered away.

As soon as he was out of earshot, the leader of Afterglow put on her serious business face and whipped out her cotton candy pink notebook. Thawmb! Himari slapped the table, almost slamming her notebook into her pancakes but for Moca’s quick food related reflexes. "The concert is in less than a month and what have we done?!"

"Found a venue?" Tsugumi offered.

"Recruited the other bands,” Ran shrugged.

Tomoe held up her phone. "Made these cool posters."

"YES OKAY BUT what have we _NOT_ done?"

Through process of elimination Tsugumi knew there was really only one answer. "... picked out a set list?"

Himari whacked the table again, only centimeters from smashing Tsugumi’s hand. "PICKED OUT A SET LIST! Oh no! Sorry for yelling, Tsugumi.”

“It’s okay Himari-chan!” It wasn’t like Himari was actually yelling _at_ her. She was just yelling in the direction Tsugumi happened to be. “You don’t have to apologize.”

Moca chuckled dreamily. “It’s just ‘cause we love you so much~.”

They did. Tsugumi knew that. Her friends’ love was never in question but… but something was nagging at her. If Himari accidentally yelled at Tomoe or Moca she wouldn’t have said sorry. Some thought was tugging on her sleeve, begging for attention but Tsugumi refused to give it any.

“Ahem!” Himari cleared her throat, flipping through the pages in her notebook. “I have complied a complete list of Roselia’s 25 songs—”

“Twenty five songs?!” Tomoe gawked. “Is Minato-san really a high schooler?”

“Minato-san… is only human,” Ran muttered.

“Was that really in question Ran?” Moca asked, spraying bits of pancake on their singer.

“Focus!” Himari snapped, “Number one on the list is a classic: Louder.”

Ran answered instantly, “No.”

Tomoe laughed. “You want to add anything to that Ran?”

“Not particularly.”

“It’s ‘cause Minato-san’s dad wrote that one~. Ran wants to play a Yukina Minato original!” Moca waggled her eyebrows at Ran, “Am I right~?”

Ran’s silent blush was all the answer they needed.

“Okay,” Himari hopped down her list, “next is Sanctuary?”

Tomoe rejected it, “Nah, that one sounds like a water park.”

“What?”

“It sounds like a water park,” Tomoe shrugged to her friends, unsure why her clear explanation needed an explanation. “Like the kind of songs you’d hear over the speakers, I dunno how else to explain it.”

“Anyway other than that, babe?”

Tomoe squeezed the ridge of her nose in thought, “Like you’re jamming down the waterslide at Toconuts park like waaah and spliish and you land at the pool at bottom with asplaboom! And then Sanctuary’s playing out of the speakers!”

“I guess?”

“…I gotta pee.” Tomoe stood up suddenly.

“So that’s a no—oof—from you?” Himari asked as Tomoe squished her against the vinyl seat as she squeezed past Himari and Tsugumi. Himari scratched Sanctuary off the list. “What about Sunkissed Rhodonite?”

“That one’s about Lisa-san,” Ran crossed her arms and slumped down. “It’s too weird.”

“Promise?”

“Also about Lisa-san.”

“Our Path?”

“Who knows but it’s probably about Lisa-san.”

Himari threw down her notebook with an exhausted sigh. “If we can’t sing songs about Lisa-senpai, can we really sing Roselia songs?”

All Tsugumi could do was poke at her pancakes as the others argued over songs. What did she have to add to the discussion? Thinking about Roselia’s piano parts made her dizzy. Everything Rinko Shirokane played was perfect and complex—truly a prodigy’s piano. No matter what song they chose Tsugumi was going to drown in it. But still, even then…

Himari’s notebook lay open in front of her. Trailing down the list, every song was a miniature masterwork: Black Shout, R, Legendary, but weren’t some missing from Himari’s list? Where was Ringing Bloom? Where was Fire Bird?

Just the thought of the song sent Tsugumi’s heart throbbing. Suddenly, Tsugumi wasn’t in the cafe. She was squeezed onto the show floor staring up at Roselia once again. They were already barely more than the shadows of memories—save for one person. In her mind’s eye, Tsugumi could call up that vision of Sayo as easily as if they were facing each other again.

“ _Thank you for coming.”_

It was hard to match the person and performer together now. The beast on the stage and the girl in the lobby. Tsugumi tried to think of what Sayo would encourage her to say but it was hard to imagine anything but those slender fingers wrapped around her wrist.

“I think we should…” But before she could finish, Tsugumi gave up. Whatever she said would be lost to Ran and Himari’s repartee. She just wasn’t fast enough, smart enough, or anything enough to keep up with them. Tsugumi was only suited for the sidelines.

Moca’s ears twitched even as the rest of her remained focused on breakfast. She noticed—Moca always noticed.

“Neo-aspect!” Himari snatched up her notebook, “You can’t have an issue with Neo-aspect!”

“It’s too personal.”

“It’s Roselia! All their songs are personal! You’re just picky!” Himari groaned and collapsed back into her seat. “We’re out of options.”

Tsugumi tried to speak again, “But what about—”

WHAM! “HIMARI!” With a slam and a shout, Tomoe charged out of the bathroom, clasping her hand to her neck with a face as fire red as her hair. The other patrons turned to gawk at the tall teenager running across the room.

Moca snickered and grinned. “Guess we know Tomo-chin doesn’t check the mirror in the morning.”

“You said you wouldn’t leave any marks!”

“I said I’d _try_ not to.” Himari’s voice rose higher and higher with every word until she could only squeak. “I didn’t notice until we’d already left!”

Tomoe set her hands against the table, shoulders slumping. “You let me walk around with a hickey all morning.”

Finally, a chance for Tsugumi to solve the mystery. “Um… what’s a hickey?”

“Uh… um…” Tomoe clammed up, more embarrassed by the question than the mark on her neck. “It’s like… H-Himari will explain!”

“Me?! Why?”

“Hii-chan, you’re an expert in making them so…”

“MOCA!”

It was some secret everyone else was in on. Tsugumi stared at the syrup dripping down her pancakes with shame burning at her cheeks. She stabbed at her plate, making butter and syrup ooze out and run together but never reach her mouth. They didn’t need to answer, Tsugumi knew enough now. “Never mind, it’s fine.”

Tsugumi didn’t think of herself as particularly innocent or sheltered but sometimes she’d ask a question to the group and they’d look at her with such a mix of confusion, embarrassment and pity that she almost felt guilty over it. It’d be easier if they’d just laugh—she wished they’d just laughed. If Himari asked, Moca would crack a joke and Tomoe would pat her on the back with the accidental Udagawa backhand—but Himari wouldn’t ask because Himari already knew. They all already knew. Tsugumi was left behind.

Was that why there were songs removed from Himari’s list? Did Himari pick through the songs with the hardest piano parts and decide against them on her own? Songs like Fire Bird were the opposite of how Afterglow used Tsugumi’s keyboard. Those songs were built around Rinko’s notes. Roselia’s keyboardist never jumped in for only the chorus. She never sat out whole songs for a “rest”. Did Afterglow decide for her what Tsugumi could and couldn’t handle?

She wasn’t a good enough musician to be challenged, she was too innocent to be explained to. The store whirled around Tsugumi. She searched her mind for some memory to hold onto to keep her grounded. Her mind lashed out and latched on to an image of herself seen from someone else’s point of view—Hina’s hand on her cheek, hiding the soft touch of lips. Hina didn’t didn’t see her as something to be protected. Hina wanted to hold her—kiss her—do all the things Tsugumi didn’t know the names of. Probably. Even if some anonymous person on the internet didn’t think she deserved it—

The unconnected threads all spun together to form a single string wrapped around Tsugumi’s throat: Her friends all knew.

Tsugumi could feel the two cups of coffee rock around her stomach. They’d known about the picture. That’s why they’d all disappeared at once at the concert. Afterglow had been running damage control the whole time and they were never going to tell her.

Her friends only did it because they loved her. They loved her so much they wanted to protect her from everything. That was okay, wasn’t it?

“Tsugu?” Moca was suddenly so close to Tsugumi’s face, practically on top of the table.

“Tsugumi, are you alright?” Ran was right there too. So were Himari and Tomoe—peering, staring.

“I—” Tsugumi fisted her skirt, focusing on how the cloth wrinkled as she tried to buy herself a moment to decide. “I’m sorry.” She didn’t know what she was apologizing for. “I saw this picture of me and Hina-senpai last night,” It wasn’t a lie. “It’s been really bothering me.” It wasn’t a lie. “I—” But it wasn’t really the truth either, was it?

Her friends jumped from worried interrogation mode to comfort mode. Himari threw her arms around Tsugumi. Tomoe was instantly just about four centimeters from pulling them into an Afterglow cuddle pile in the middle of the coffeeshop. Ran and Moca hovered on the other side of the table—more ready than not to vault over it. Tsugumi was so loved and yet, the taste in her mouth was still so bitter.

“I’m so sorry Tsugu! We tried to get those pictured removed completely but we must have missed someone,” Himari blubbered into her shoulder.

“It’s okay Himari-chan.” Tsugumi rubbed Himari’s back, confused as to how she ended up the one comforting Himari.

“We know who posted it, Moca-chan can have them… taken out.”

“Moca! You can’t kill someone!”

“You don’t have to be involved, Hii-chan.”

Ran met Tsugumi’s eyes with a hint of shame in her own. “Tsugumi, what can we do to take your mind off it? Please.”

In the end, people being mean online, people forgetting about her, none of them mattered like her friends did. If her friends didn’t respect her… then they were the people she had to prove herself to. The picture. The songs. They were the same problems with different coats of paint. Solving one would solve the other.

“I want to play Fire Bird.”

* * *

Moca was surprised there wasn’t much resistance to Tsugumi’s decision but then again, once Tsugumi’s mind was made up she was too Tsuguriffic to refuse. They decided there was no time like the present to start practicing one of the crowning jewels in Roselia’s girl band crown so as soon as Moca finished off everyone else’s pancakes and the coffee was settled in their stomach, Afterglow left for CiRCLE. It was a nice walk from downtown to the studio, even on an icy January day. They knew the streets and shortcuts by muscle memory, legs turning them down neighborhoods without their minds needing to decide when.

Himari and Tomoe—neck now wrapped in Himari’s fluffy pink scarf—fell behind the group hand in hand. Were hickeys really that embarrassing? They were like medals of honor declaring to the world that you totally got some. Moca pondered the topic from above. If she had a girlfriend she’d let her cover her whole body in hickeys. If Moca wasn’t totally purple after every date what was the point of dating?

Moca stepped carelessly foot over foot on the high residential wall her natural feline inclinations had drawn her to. She balanced with arms outstretched like a little kid playing trapeze. Her eyes shifted from the path in front of her to Tsugumi below.

“Moca.” Ran called out, watching warily from below. “You’ll fall.”

Moca reveled in the attention and concern. To demonstrate her amazing sense of balance, Moca hopped forward on one foot. “Worried? Rest easy Ran~ Moca won’t fall so easily.”

“I won’t catch you.”

“So sad~ so tragic~ Moca-chan’s eyes are gonna get all blurry with tears. Can’t watch where she’s going.” She swung forward with a little skip. Yeah it was careless but Moca didn’t care.

“You’re not watching now.”

Tsugumi buzzed nervously, “Moca-chan, be careful.”

Moca stopped horsing around.. She sighed with a smile, “If Tsugu wants me to watch out.” She swung one leg over the edge, “then I’ll have to—”

Moca realized she was in trouble half a second before everyone else did. Her face fell into the sort of very real, very desperate panic that Moca worked very hard to not experience just as her left foot slipped on some unseen winter wall ice. Nothing under her right foot. Nothing under her left. Just Moca plummeting several meters to the ground and a single thought in her head: The sky was so very blue.

Everyone jumped for her just barely too late. Despite what she’d claimed, Ran lunged for Moca. Tomoe jumped the distance between them with a speed that would make Olympic athlete's jealous. Even Himari and Tsugumi tried—though their success would do more harm than good—but none of them could reach her before the crack ripped through the air.

And then there was silence.

And then there was… “ow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title from the song Just a Girl by No Doubt
> 
> See you soon.


	10. I Think That Possibly Maybe I've...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: Hospitals, Jokes about Prescription Painkillers

_“He’ll be fine,” her mother assured Tsugumi, age seven. She rested her hand on_ _her_ _young daughter’s shoulder as they waited_ _by_ _her grandfather’s hospital bed. “You found him so quickly. The doctors say he just needs to rest.”_

_She’d found him on the floor behind the shop counter, the cross stitch of his apron strings pointed up to the ceiling. Just his back as the rest of him tried to sink into the ground._

_“Where’s dad?”_

_Her mother paused and swallowed. “Someone has to stay in the coffeeshop.”_

_Tsugumi nodded firmly. “Hazawas work hard.”_

_There was something mournful in her mother’s eyes that Tsugumi was too young to understand, even when she looked back many years later. She squat down beside her daughter, hugging her to her chest before exhaling and pointing to the monitor beside her grandfather’s bed. It beeped at an even pace, each one accompanied by a green like shaking on the screen. “See that?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“That’s the shape of your grandfather’s heart.”_

The shape of Moca’s heart was still a mystery. Only because the nurse wasn’t about to attach her to an EKG monitor for a broken arm that was already wrapped up tight in a hot pink cast (Moca’s delirious insistence). Honestly, Moca didn’t even need a hospital room but she couldn’t be discharged until her mom picked her up and knowing Moca’s mom a quick visit could easily turn into an overnight stay. Fortunately, Tsugumi was well known at their local hospital and it was a slow day. The room was an easy request to fulfill.

Moca was eerily quiet as she sat up in the hospital bed, right arm bound in a cast and pinned in a sling, left hand clenched so tight by Ran that the tips of her fingers were almost blood red. Moca hadn’t made a single joke about the close proximity or how it was a clear sign of Ran’s pounding lust for her or frankly anything at all in hours.

Tsugumi, Himari and Tomoe stood huddled at her bedside, as pale as if they were standing at Moca’s deathbed. Things weren’t okay when Moca was silent, when she wasn’t filling the empty space between them with laughter and teasing and off color comments that somehow made everyone feel better. Sure, sometimes she crossed lines but she always hurried back over them. Because Moca loved them all. And they loved Moca.

Even if she’d hurt Tsugumi. Tsugumi clutched at her own chest, wondering what shape her heart would take right now if she could take a look at it. Her friends hurt her, they babied her and just when they’d agreed to take on a great challenge together… this happened. The swirling emotions in Tsugumi’s stomach were impossible to sort.

Well, one thing was clear. She wanted Moca to be okay. She wanted Moca to explain that weird request she’d made when they reached the hospital and she wanted Moca to laugh with them, tease them, make silly comments and—

“Oooooooh the PAIN! The AGONY!” Moca suddenly seized up as if possessed by an incredibly noisy ghost. Her bandaged arm shook. “Moca-chan can’t feel her arm!”

Afterglow breathed a collective sigh of relief. Himari collapsed onto Tomoe’s shoulder with messy tears, Tsugumi held her hands together in front of her chest and Ran scowled fondly.

“Moca. If you can’t feel your arm, how is it hurting?”

Moca took this information under consideration and revised her pained cries. “OOOOOOH THE PAIN! MOCA-CHAN FEELS HER ARM SO MUCH! Ah… if only there were a cute girl around to kiss the pain away.” She batted her big blue eyes at Ran.

Ran rolled her eyes and shoved Moca’s pursed lips again. “She’s fine.” Still, she squeezed Moca’s good hand tight.

Moca scanned the friends at her bedside and landed on Tomoe. “Tomo-chin, please. Just a kiss.”

“I don’t know Moca, that’s a pretty big ask,” Tomoe teased, shoulders sinking with relief. She kissed the top of Himari’s head. “Babe, can I give Moca a kiss?”

“Too… late… I feel the light coming close.” Moca’s eyes hopped over Himari and landed on Tsugumi. “Tsugu… please.”

“HOLD ON MOCA!” Himari pushed away from Tomoe and shouted loud enough to draw the concern of a nurse outside. “What about me?

Moca’s hand flew to her forehead. “Hii-chan… not everything’s… about you…”

“This IS! Moca!”

“Moca-chan’s fading away...”

“MOCA!” Himari grabbed Moca but the collar, shaking her until Tomoe dragged her off by the waist.

“Babe! She has a broken arm!”

Moca wheezed and turned back to Tomoe and Himari with a sleepy wink. “It’s because Hii-chan isn’t cute… she’s beautiful.”

“R-really?” Himari pulled a complete 180, springing back with a dreamy smile on her face.

“Would Moca-chan ever lie to you?”

“Yes! Definitely!”

“Oh ho ho~.”

Tsugumi backed up just a little as her friends began their usual banter. The normalcy eased the immediate worry but it just let all the other feelings start to fester and boil again.

“Tsugumi.” Ran smiled softly from across Moca’s hospital bed. “Everything’s okay.”

Her friends all turned from Moca to her. Tsugumi blushed at the attention and hurriedly wiped at her eyes. “Y-yeah! It is!” She was still mad, so so mad at all of them but that didn’t mean she couldn’t bury that feeling in the love she had. “Moca-chan…” Tsugumi nudged past Tomoe and leaned down over their little patient. She smoothed back her best friend’s bangs and quickly pressed her lips to Moca’s burning forehead. “All better?”

“Yup!” Moca chuckled, cheeks growing flush with the attention. “Aaall better.”

“Except your arm’s still broken.” Tomoe pointed out.

“Don’t worry~ don’t worry~ Moca-chan’s gonna take care of everything.” Moca looked up at Tsugumi with the spark back in her eyes. “Did you call like I asked?”

“Of course.” Like Tsugumi would ever refuse a request from Moca, even if she didn’t quite understand it.

“Heh he he,” she snickered. “Then you should probably go greet our guests!”

* * *

_“Tsugu-chan’s in the hospital.”_

They were the only words that registered in Sayo’s brain—in her heart—when Hina hung up the phone and turned to her on their way back to the Kamakura train station. They echoed throughout her brain as they paid for their return ticket, Sayo numbly counting out exact change for the machine as Hina barreled ahead somehow immune to the horribly, terribly thing she had learned.

_“_ _Tsugu-chan’s in the hospital.”_

The words twisted up her throat like vines threatening to choke out all the air as she sat on the train as Hina babbled on about something Sayo couldn’t listen to. She’d always wondered how she would function in a crisis, foolishly assumed she’d be able to keep a level head or at least be able to function. Now she knew she’d shut down, uselessly. Unable to do more than stare at her own entangled fingers as she returned to Tokyo proper.

_“_ _Tsugu-chan’s in the hospital.”_

Sayo heard it in her heart as they reached the hospital doors. Two sliding glass panes that separated them from the reality of whatever had happened to Tsugumi. She hesitated at the entrance. If she were to turn around and leave for Hazawa Coffee surely she would find that smiling girl there instead with her tray in hand and a greeting on her lips. Surely the world couldn’t change so quickly.

Hina had no such concerns. She burst through the double doors. Sayo hurried behind her, unwilling to feel weaker than her apparently heartless sister. Not if Tsugumi needed her.

Of course she didn’t need Sayo, Hina was called, not her. Sayo scowled as she crossed the threshold. She could wallow in self-made misery later. Right now Tsugumi was in…

The hospital reception?

There she was sitting in the corner like some old forgotten statue in some garden let go to seed, ivy covered and colored. The foam seat underneath her—designed for discomfort in an awkward plaid—was her pedestal, the discarded magazines were her wildflower bed and the awful white-green light of the fluorescents above was an unfortunate sun to bake beneath. Then Sayo blinked and she was a girl again. A fully intact girl. She was not covered in blood, nor were her limbs in any sort of disarray. She was simply… in… the hospital…

_“Tsugu-chan’s in the hospital.”_

Not “Tsugu-chan has been admitted to the hospital”. Not “Tsugu-chan has been in an accident.” No, it was an incredibly literal statement from her sister who didn’t know better.

Once again Sayo Hikawa found herself made a fool by her little sister without Hina ever knowing it. For once she was far too relieved to really be annoyed.

“Tsugu-chan!” Hina shouted across the room, drawing the attention of every patient and nurse and noticing absolutely none of them as she waved and bounced towards Tsugumi.

“Hina-senpai!” Tsugumi stood up. Her face transformed, the exhaustion melting away for the bright sort of smile that infected everyone who saw it. Even though the smile was for Hina, it still stuck Sayo’s face too.

Hina was on Tsugumi like lightning, scooping her vice president up and swinging her around—again, wholly inappropriately for a hospital but Sayo didn’t have the heart to scold when Tsugumi so clearly needed the affection. Needed Hina.

Sayo swallowed all the air her lungs could hold and stepped up. She’d find a quick excuse to leave and let Hina and Tsugumi get on with whatever it was Tsugumi asked _Hina_ for.

“Tsugu-chan~.” Hina giggled, arms locked tight around Tsugumi’s back. “You look terrible~.”

“Senpai…” Tsugumi laughed back at her bluntness. Her chin rested on Hina’s shoulder, eyes at half lid. Maybe it would be better for Sayo to leave now, before Tsugumi ever knew she was being watched.

Tsugumi’s eyes burst open. Too late. “Sayo-san!”

Hina pulled away from Tsugumi with a wink over her shoulder to her older sister and looped her arm casually around Tsugumi’s neck, turning them to face Sayo. Then she placed one hand on the small of Tsugumi’s back andgleefully shouted,“You should hug sis too! It’s only fair!” And pushed.

“F-Fair?” Poor Tsugumi looked so lost.

Sayo opened her mouth to chide Hina but there was a missile labeled “Hazawa-san” coming for her and she was ill prepared to catch it.

Strangely, Sayo’s arms acted on their own, opening just in time for Tsugumi to fall snugly against Sayo’s chest with her hands trapped between the bodies. Her head fell forward over Sayo’s shoulder, just close enough for Sayo to breathe in the scent of fresh coffee. Ah, there was an undertone of chocolate today—a darker roast than usual.How odd that she knew the differences now. Sayo wanted so much to lower the hands hovering around Tsugumi’s shoulder blocked by an invisible wall of her insecurity. Alas, it was more an accident than a hug.

Very carefully and with great emotional struggle, her hand closed around the small girl’s thin shoulders. Sayo quickly realized it was one thing to decide in the abstract to give up on one’s first love and entirely another to go through with it when Tsugumi was in her arms. There was a warmth in the air between them—that spread from every place Tsugumi touched her—that was either the goodness and light Tsugumi radiated made tangible or the horrid blush Sayo couldn’t keep from flaring up with every micro movement the _girl in love with her younger sister_ made. Perhaps it was a mix of the two. She prepared to hate herself for her feelings, but Tsugumi’s warmth kept the hate at bay.

“Once again I must apologize for my sister,” Sayo murmured into Tsugumi’s hair, trying not to enjoy the softness brushing her lips. “Please Hazawa-san, forgive us.”

“I-It’s okay! Hina-senpai and I are—” Tsugumi paused—“Huggy.”

Not the word Sayo would have chosen but… an important reminder of her place. Sayo patted Tsugumi’s back with two firm ‘good job son’ style whacks before quickly pulling away and taking two large steps backwards. “Then I apologize for myself. My hugging experience is limited.”

Tsugumi opened her mouth to speak but Hina had grown tired of waiting for them. “Tsugu-chan!” She buckled under the full weight of Hina Hikawa thrown around her neck. “How’s Moca doin’?”

“Aoba…san,” Sayo sighed. Of course, Tsugumi was in the hospital for a reason after all.

“I didn’t realize you’d be coming, Sayo-san,” Tsugumi said. “Moca-chan will be glad to see you!”

“We were out together, it seemed… prudent for us to both visit together.” Sayo was a terrible liar, Lisa told her so constantly. So she simply spoke the truth with missing details.

“Sis didn’t talk the whole way over!”

Sayo hid her face with a turn, “I… simply admire her playing. Perhaps we should visit her.”

“Of course,” Tsugumi leaned over so she could look Sayo in the eye, her Hina scarf still firmly attached around her neck. “Let’s go see her now!”

* * *

Moca would have broken her arm a long time ago if she’d known it would mean her friends would dote on her so much. She hadn’t had control of her left hand once since they got to the hospital—it’d been too tightly held by Ran, then Himari and now Tomoe with the strongest, rawest grip of all as if she wanted to break all of Moca’s fingers in two. Still, Moca felt the love.

Plus she was full of painkillers and that made everything feel better. Seriously, if they could just up Moca-chan for a lifetime supply that’d be just great. Until Ran flushed them down the toilet or something to save her or whatever. Urg. “Friends are lame! Drugs are cool!”

Oops. She didn’t mean to say that part out loud.

“… What?” Ran looked over at Moca like she was something nasty stuck on her shoe.

Himari looked like the stick Ran was going to use to scrape her up. “Moca you’re not allowed to do drugs.”

“Why NOT?! Moca-chan loooves drugs.”

“It’s always helpful when you answer your own question.” Ran shook her head but there was a sneaky little smile on her lips.

The door to Moca’s room opened with a noisy bang before Moca could tease Ran.

“Moca-chan! Are you dead?” Hina burst into the room, cackling at Moca’s theoretical demise. Her toothy, alligator grew when she found Moca on the bed like she was just about ready to gobble poor Moca up.

“Scary… Hina-senpai~.” But Moca asked for her so she couldn’t complain.

“Senpai please don’t shout…” Tsugumi followed Hina into the room. So far so good.

And then a third person entered just behind Tsugumi, shutting the door carefully as she did and glaring sharply at Hina. “Hina. This is a sick room.”

“Sorry~ Sorry~.” Hina turned back and winked at her sister.

What was Sayo Hikawa doing here?

He he. Moca felt her loopy grin slip and slide around her face. Amazing. She searched Sayo’s face but she didn’t need to bother. Sayo could hardly hide how quickly her eyes turned to Tsugumi as if that was their default position. Maybe Tsugumi wouldn’t notice but Moca did.

And so did Himari.

“Moca-chan’s thirsty~,” Moca whined, kicking her feet up in bed. “Tsugu~ Tsugu please help~. I need the special coffee from upstairs. I need it~.”

Tsugumi smiled sweetly. “Okay Moca-chan, I’ll get one for everyone.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Ran rushed to stop Tsugumi. “She’s being a baby.”

“Oooooo my aching arm!” Moca whined. Actually, she agreed with Ran: don’t indulge Moca.

“I’ll come with you,” Sayo quickly said.

“Me too!” Hina said with a sideways glance at her sister.

Easy~. Easy~. People in love were so easy to figure out. Moca should know after all. She winked at Tsugumi who only looked bashful in return.

“I don’t mind Ran-chan.” Tsugumi opened the door. “Besides, Hina-senpai and Sayo-san are here!”

Hina-senpai and Sayo-san are here, indeed. Moca giggled as they left in the reverse order they’d entered. She counted to five in her head and then Himari whirled around the room with a mixture of shock and delight on her face.

“Tsugu’s in a LOVE TRIANGLE!” She declared triumphantly, expecting the others to shower her in cheers for her wisdom. Instead she got Ran and Tomoe exchanging uncomfortable looks and Moca’s shit eating grin. “You don’t look surprised. Why aren’t you surprised?”

“Ah—Ha! Ha!” Tomoe forced the word “ha” from her mouth like it could substitute for real laughter. “How weird? I had no idea! Ha! Ha!”

Himari’s face fell into a pout and she pointed accusingly around the room. “How long have you all known?”

“Yesterday.” Ran shrugged.

“You’ve known for TWENTY FOUR HOURS?! And you didn’t TELL ME?”

Tomoe rubbed her nose. “We were busy.”

“We were together ALL NIGHT!”

“… And we were _busy._ ”

“Heh heh,” Moca high-fived Tomoe with her good hand. “Get it Tomo-chin.”

“MOCA!”

“Owowow, getting yelled at makes Moca-chan’s arm ache so much.”

Ran rolled her eyes and tweaked Moca’s nose. “What’s the point of gossiping behind Tsugumi’s back?”

Himari reeled back, mortally offended. “It’s not GOSSIP! The point of the Tsugu protection squad is to keep the best one of us safe from all the nasties!”

“How’s that going?”

“Horribly apparently! Love triangles are terrible!”

Moca stretched out on her bed and let her painkiller addled brain try to soak in Himari’s rant.

“… but they are so romantic oh my GOD. Do you think they’ll have like a guitar battle over her?”

“Oh shit,” Tomoe said. “That’d be so cool.”

“RIGHT?”

“Tsugu Protection Squad huh…” Ran sighed and sat on the edge of Moca’s bed. “Do you really think we’re helping?” It was a real question. The change was subtle but Moca could read the worry on Ran’s face as if she were scribbling it in sharpie across her forehead.

“Don’t worry, don’t worry~.” Moca assured her. “We’ll take care of our Tsugu.”

Ran looked at Moca, really looked at her like she was trying to read Moca the same way Moca read her. But she couldn’t, could she? No one could. That’s why Moca was Moca. “I think that’s what I’m worried about…”

* * *

The coffee Moca liked—not for the flavor but for the colorful rainbow can—was up on the fourth floor in corridor three in a little vending machine tucked into a corner where only nurses and people who had spent way too much time inside the hospital knew it lay. Tsugumi was the latter.

It was the Hazawa family way after all. Her dad spent a night in the hospital, recovering from exhaustion, at least once a year and Tsugumi started joining him when she started high school. It was like a national holiday, he liked to joke, the Hazawa family forced vacation. Her mom didn’t find it as funny. Neither did her friends. But they just didn’t know what it was like to be a Hazawa. To always need to work double to achieve average.

It was fun to play tour guide. To greet nurses by name as they walked down the hall and show off the quickest way to get around the maze of hallways that made up the hospital to the Hikawa twins. Hina seemed impressed, Sayo looked pale.

It wasn’t a particularly long trip however. Soon, Tsugumi was pulling out her coin purse in front of the humming vending machine and counting out her change to buy seven canned coffees. They quickly developed a system without needing to speak. Tsugumi paid and selected, Hina stayed crouched down to pull them from the machine and Sayo stacked the cans neatly in a row so they could count exactly how many they had.

On the seventh can, Tsugumi looked into her coin purse and discovered it was lacking. “Oh shoot, I’m fifty yen short.”

“Hazawa-san.” “Tsugu-chan!”

A chorus sprung up at her side and two fifty yen coins were thrust in her face. They were immediately pulled away as the sisters began to debate.

“For fairness’ sake we should both give Tsugu-chan 25 yen!”

“…I don’t believe I have the exact change on me.”

“You can pay me back~.”

There was that mention of “fairness” again. Why did Hina keep saying that? Hina’s fifty yen coin reappeared, this time alongside Hina’s face. “Half from me~ and half from sis~. It’s a Hikawa special!”

“Thank you senpai,” Tsugumi chirped with a smile, expelling her confusion as she sent the coin down the slot.

As the last coffee fell into the bottom, Hina scooped it up along with the other six and stood up. Tsugumi wasn’t sure anyone else could carry that many drinks at once but she’d long stopped wondering where the capabilities of the student council president ended.

Hina grinned. “I’ll get these back to Moca-chan in a hot shablooie!” Then she pivoted and began to sprint down the hall.

“HINA!” “Senpai!”

Together Sayo and Tsugumi shouted after her. “No running in the hall!”

They turned to each other in surprise at their sudden synchronicity and laughed. Sayo’s sigh transformed into a little smile. “I would apologize again but I’m starting to suspect it will never be adequate enough.”

“No no. Really, with Hina it’s always exciting. Even when she’s causing problems.” They began to follow Hina’s trail down the hall—though their steps were much slower. Sayo matched Tsugumi’s pace, walking by her side just close enough that their arms brushed from time to time. Tsugumi was almost surprised to find Sayo didn’t jerk away.

A quiet fell between them. Tsugumi wasn’t sure if it was comfortable or not. They hadn’t really talked in a week—only spent a brief moment together the night before. Tsugumi unconsciously rubbed her wrist in the spot Sayo had so tenderly held it. She wondered what Sayo would do if she took her hand now. Probably apologize for Hina.

Tsugumi smacked her cheeks. She was just reading too much into someone being friendly!

Sayo looked at her with a curious expression. “Hazawa-san. Are you alright?”

She blushed. “Y-yes! Just thinking. It’s been a little bit since we’ve been able to talk like this.”

“Ah,” Sayo’s eyes lit up. “That’s true. How are you doing Hazawa-san?”

“You just asked me that.” She teased lightly.

“Of course.” Sayo sprung rigidly forward.

Tsugumi’s heart ached at the stiff embarrassment on Sayo’s face. “Um! I’ll answer again!”

“No,” Sayo forced a smile onto her face. “There’s no need.”

The quiet returned with the asynchronous pit-pat of their feet down the tiled hall. What Tsugumi really wanted to ask was… well, that was just her own delusion wasn’t it? It was wild enough that Hina maybe… possibly liked her. Coming to the hospital on a weekend surely meant Hina cared at least a bit. And Sayo… why was Sayo here?

Sayo interrupted their silence and Tsugumi’s thoughts with another question. “Did you select a song? For the show in a few weeks?”

“This morning!” She skipped forward excitedly. “We chose Firebird.”

Sayo’s elegant eyebrows arched up. “That is an excellent song with a rigorous piano component.”

Tsugumi bit her lower lip. At the very least, she could trust Sayo would be honest with her. So she asked, “Do you think I can do it?”

Sayo studied Tsugumi’s face like she was preparing to draw her portrait from memory later—every detail worth holding in her mind. “I believe you will find the song difficult.” Tsugumi deflated. “But you will be able to play it.”

“Really? I don’t need to be reassured! Sayo-san—” Tsugumi broke off with a sigh. “I want your real opinion.”

“I respect you Tsugumi, I would not pretend.” Her green-gold eyes reflected only Tsugumi. “I admire you—your playing—a great deal. You have incredible determination. I think you’re very special, Hazawa-san. On the piano. If there’s anything I can do to assist please allow me.”

“You’re too kind Sayo-san. You’re just too kind…” Then, she remembered why she was standing with Sayo in a hospital. “But I guess I won’t be able to take you up on that.”

“Why not?”

“Without Moca-chan we can’t exactly play.”

“Oh… of course,” Sayo shook her head, features falling with a heavy sadness. “Aoba-san’s arm.”

“Don’t look so sad Sayo-san! Moca-chan will be okay! She’s super tough!” Tsugumi pumped her arm up and down with a giggle. “I didn’t know you were so close. I mean, to visit her in the hospital…”

“I didn’t…” Sayo hesitated. Tsugumi could see her juggling something in her mind and finally settled on an answer. She stopped walking. Tsugumi was a few paces away when she realized. She looked back down the hallway. Sayo’s gaze turned to the ground. “I thought it was you.”

“Sayo-san?”

“I thought you were in the hospital. Hurt. Hina is… very bad at communicating important information.”

Neither girl moved.

Softly, Sayo said. “I’m very grateful it wasn’t. Not that I wish any harm upon Aoba-san!” Sayo rushed to add. She exhaled softly. Her eyes were so tired, Tsugumi wanted to coax her to close them and rest for a while. “But the thought of you injured… Hazawa-san. Please take care of yourself.”

“Sayo… san…”How strange that Tsugumi’s heart could swell so much at the slight implication of concern. That it would start to beat faster like this. Or maybe it wasn’t so strange at all.

“If something happened to you, Hina would be so upset.”

Right. Just down the hall from them was the most extraordinary person Tsugumi had ever met. And for some reason she was fascinated with Tsugumi. “Hina-senpai…”  
“She’s odd but she would do anything for you. She cares very much for you. Please don’t be discouraged by her eccentricities. Her feelings for you are real, Hazawa-san.”

Sayo would never lie to Tsugumi. So Hina really did have feelings for Tsugumi. Tsugumi’s heart was just about to burst out of her chest and sprint down the hall twice as fast as Hina could ever run. But Tsugumi couldn’t untangle the reason why: the words or the person saying them. “Just Hina-senpai?”

“I—” But whatever Sayo was going to say was quickly lost to them.

“You guys are so SLOW!” Hina reappeared around the corner, somehow still holding all the cans. “Ha! Moca-chan’s gonna get bored and break her other arm!” She disappeared again.

Sayo stepped past Tsugumi quickly. “I suppose we should.” She smiled hollowly and they made their way back to Moca. Tsugumi’s heart beat as it was supposed to again.

* * *

The hallway in front of Moca’s room thundered with a shouting match of epic proportions even for Afterglow—how they ever claimed they never fought Tsugumi couldn’t remember. Sayo and Tsugumi exchanged worried glances as they approached. Hina was nowhere to be found. Tsugumi could only assume she was already inside.

“What are you ON Moca?” Ran’s angry voice sent the nurse approaching to quiet them down scurrying away from the door.

Moca’s lazy voice was still loud enough to leak out the door. “Couple oxycontin but Moca-chan prooomises that’s not what brought it on. You need someone to play.”

“I can play it!” Ran protested, smacking her fist against something.

“Not that big hard Roselia song you swore you’d master~. You can’t play lead guitar and sing that song. You need someone as strong as Sayo-san and if the great Moca-chan is unavailable…”

They paused just outside the doorway. Tsugumi caught a cute little smile sneaking onto Sayo’s face at the sound of Moca’s compliment. Sayo quickly tried to hide it from Tsugumi.

“Afterglow is the five of us.”

“And temporarily it’ll be the five of you instead~.”

“She has a point Ran,” Himari joined in with an attempt at an even tone. “We can’t back out of an event we’re hosting and this is… a solution.”

“Well, I think it’s boppin!”

Sayo sighed at the sound of her sister’s voice. “I think we should join them.”

“Probably for the best,” Tsugumi agreed, feeling warm inside at their brief conspiratorial moment. They pushed inside the room.

The others stopped their bickering as soon as Sayo and Tsugumi entered. Moca grinned and raised her good hand. “Perfect timing!”

But before she could say anything Hina swooped in front of Tsugumi and took her hands. “Moca-chan asked me to join Afterglow!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. See you in another four months? Don't want to jinx anything...
> 
> Title from "Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop" by Landon Pigg.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on twitter now as @theshinysword ! 18+ only please, the account and this story are SFW but sometimes other stories I write are not. Follow to read my dank Bandori takes and terrible jokes I cut out of the story for a reason.


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